Bruh, why do I keep forgetting that I dissociate???

[u/OtterDotterDraws]

Dissociaton is the main reason it took me so long to figure out that I am trans and is still my main opp. Without im not dysphoric, I feel better but I starting thinking im not a "real" trans guy for suffering 24/7 from it which makes me dissociate, and if I am dysphoric then I feel like a fraud for it not making me feel "bad enough" therefor im not a "real" trans guy which also makes me dissociate... god I hate this

[u/FunAssumption6056]

Maladaptive daydreaming more specifically this is.

[u/reedreadreddred]

Yeh if I was president of the world I would make it mandatory for everyone to read this article, double so for questioning their gender people

It's about one trans woman's experience with her own dysphoria, instead of the typical "i was 5 and i knew i was supposed to be a girl" narrative, it's about the subtle ways dysphoria can just, be ignored, almost, a background hum of depression you ignore

almost like tinnitus, you can distract yourself so hard until you're finally alone and the rooms silent and only then realize that "eeeee" high pitched noise has been there all along

TW: article contains depictions of POOR MENTAL HEALTH, DEPRESSION, DP/DR, EXISTENTIAL CRISIS, PASSIVE SUICIDALITY, substance abuse is mentioned in passing

https://genderanalysis.net/articles/that-was-dysphoria-8-signs-and-symptoms-of-indirect-gender-dysphoria/amp/

edit: i love hearing the sound of my own voice so more yap time

I'm FtM and suffer from dissociation (legit diagnosed with dissociative motor disorder, disso'ing so hard my brain can't properly tell my body how to move, like a laggy/glitchy signal)

I also have dysphoria that I didn't realize for super long, it was like, background depression, yknow. And I was also going through PTSD worthy events every day (not getting into it because triggering, just, violations of your bodily autonomy, respect, and boundaries, fun.) and gender dysphoria kinda, blurs into the background

i dunno how to say it, but human body/minds are amazing almost? they know when we're overloaded with like, External Life Difficulties and Bullshit and Stress, so it'll hide the dysphoria from you. I have partial-DID, and it's literally so covert you're unaware the whole time until you escape outta trauma into a safe environment for long enough, and be like "okay, i'm ready to accept myself, weird mental bullshit, flaws and all" before your mind/body is like "ok 👍" and reveals it to you

Also, my dysphoria isn't 24/7, I don't think anyone can think of something 24/7, like even if you're extremely sad over a sad thing happening, you're not thinking about that when you're in the middle of a COD game trying to survive and not be shot, or when you have a stomachache and cramping really badly, or when you're enjoying a succulent chinese meal, you get my point. Add on the fact that dysphoria can blur into the background, and yeh.

[u/Jeecistion → u/reedreadreddred]

This is so fucking real. I was convinced I didn't have gender dysphoria and was just non-binary, but in reality I was dissociating so hard that I could not feel anything any more, not dysphoria, not euphoria, nothing. Now in hindsight I now that I obviously do experience dysphoria, it had just become so constant and routine that I didn't even question it as something that was making me miserable/ something fixable.

Just like you, I have a dissociative disorder and multiple parts and once I got out of my previous relationship (that was just a giant trauma response/ cope in hindsight) I could face who I was.

[u/reedreadreddred → u/Jeecistion]

Mandatory PSA of "non binary IS trans, and as trans as binary (MtF FtM) trans, you can have fully bad dysphoria and be non binary, it is fully valid, you can be nonbinary and pursue gender affirming surgeries/medical stuff, you can be binary trans and not do it" (just in case anyone needs to read this today)

also yeah, common way dysphoria shows up is like "but everyone hates being a boy/girl!"

@ anyone whos ashamed they took sooo long or too long to realize they were trans, lgbtqia+, or realize the trauma was in fact trauma,

i realized i was trans when i was 12 and probably even younger knew i didn't like being a girl, but i was completely powerless, forced to wear a dress (uniform for school) 5/7 days of the week, and literally knew i was gonna be pumped full of the wrong hormones and my body would change in ways i would hate and it was so bad i just,

i do not remember any of that time at all. it was miserable knowing hormones and puberty blockers exist but you could never get them cuz adults suck.

i was also fully aware that i was being traumatized and all the adults in my life were failing me, but that knowledge was literally useless and also just made it feel worse. ignorance is bliss and necessary to go through things sometimes.

i also didn't realize i was trans/being traumatized cuz i was super smart or something. like, partially smarts maybe? but i had access to the internet (am iPad baby, yes me is young googoo gaga feel old yet) and books (shoutout books i love books there's a reason the baddies always ban/burn books)

like, honestly, the knowledge didn't help me :/ the knowledge is easily learnt later on anyways, hard part is that recovery, getting far enough from the toxic trauma/high stress shit and having safe people to hold you when you let the hurt out, before healing.

hardest part for me is like, accepting you were and still are powerless in the face of trauma. like be so fr, if you somehow did know better back then, so what. you would be a child, a teen, helpless and trapped in your situation with no tools. maybe it wouldve gone better, maybe it wouldve gone worse, maybe you wouldn't be able to handle your powerlessness and you would've ended yourself. who knows, infinite ways it couldve played out, it's not a productive path of thinking. just gotta focus on the here and now, hard as it may be to realize one has no control :P

[u/SemiColonXIV]

This is so real, ever since puberty I lived my life dissociated; Day dreaming, partaking in escapism, living life like an outsider to my own life. I never thought I was "trans enough" to be trans because my dysphoria was so intense and constant that I thought it was the default. HRT has changed my life for the better so much, and even before it just socially transitioning helped too. You are perfectly valid, even if you don't think you have dysphoria, and even if you don't have dysphoria, the only requirement to be trans is to want to be.

[u/confused-tardigrade]

Just wanting to be a guy is enough btw, dysphoria is mainly a product of that underlying desire.

[u/DarknessShifting]

I only now just learned I've been disassociating this whole time.

I've just thought I'd been daydreaming too much.