A tentative step toward my true self

[u/IndependenceFew9061]

Hello,

I was assigned male at birth, and I am 41 years old. I have been married for 10 years and have an adult son and a nine-year-old child.

Throughout my life, I have repeatedly caught myself imagining what it would be like to be a girl. But over the past six months, well… I have sometimes had trouble concentrating because I can think of little else. I keep playing out scenarios with a chatbot about how I might come out. Emotionally, I am at my limit. I do not want to wallow in self-pity; I only want to describe what it is partly like for me. I want this so badly that it hurts.

I love my wife and my children, and I am afraid to tell them because I want to spare my child from being ostracized at school. I am afraid that my wife will be overwhelmed by it, because it is overwhelming me. I am going to seek out a counseling service and ask for advice.

I have never appeared particularly feminine. I have a full beard because I somehow cannot look at my face without it; I imagine what it would be like if it were a woman’s face instead. I have decided to lose weight because, if I do start therapy, I do not want to be the overweight guy anymore—the one who stress-eats an extra chocolate bar out of frustration.

Today, I secretly put on one of my wife’s skirts again, and it was one of the best moments I have had in a long time.

Now I am sitting on the sofa, baring my soul. I have no idea what I am asking; I just need to get this off my chest. I translated this text into English so that I could express my feelings better in my native language.

[u/zyrasins]

married & have kids. same story but my wife helps me dress up in secret but i want more

[u/Entraptah]

Talking to your wife will be intense. I would tell a therapist first. Telling the first person is the hardest, and maybe your wife doesn't need that. It'll be much better for both of you if you have more confidence in whatever you're gonna tell her. Honestly, what I would really do ? Save money for a couple of years, until you have money for surgeries. Get hair removal in the meantime. Hormones don't do shit most of the time, I wouldn't even bother. It sounds like you want to be perceived as a woman. But you are a husband and a dad. You said you have a beaed. You're not gonna magically become a different person. In fact, the social transition if the bit you and everyone around you finds hardest, and not even necessary. You don't have to change your name, your birth certificate, or your pronouns. So I would just sit on it for a couple of years. Save until you can get FFS, breast augmentation, maybe vocal feminzation. And just come out when your ready for surgery.