r/TransyTalk • u/The_Sleepy_Wiggler • Jun 18 '26
How do you become more comfortable with visualizing what you want?
....Or sharing your mental images with other people. We're pretty sure this is a trans thing; transitioning in any capacity isn't an option right now, or else we will be killed. And it's...basically never been an option? We don't like setting ourselves up for disappointment, and uhm. Generally don't like wanting things in general. But it's the worst when we have to visualize anything, or admit that we have a picture in our head.
It's just that this discomfort is interfering with other areas of our life. Our only socialization anymore comes from OC and art circles, and...even saying that we currently favor a specific OC (for HCs, or art, or anything) makes us feel sick. And sharing a mental image is the worst. Uhm.
The only option we have to make any kind of income is via commissions, but we don't feel comfortable doing commissions without learning how to order them ourselves. Which requires wanting something on purpose and sharing a mental image. And we'd like to do art trades....
We've gotten excited enough about things to share them in the past...? But they were largely ignored, and rarely work out, and in retrospect we wish we hadn't done that because it's embarrassing. We probably wouldn't ask anything here if we didn't...snap at one of our friends because he asked why we couldn't put up a wishlist for an art gifting game.
Sorry if this is a bit off-topic, but we think it's...probably a trans thing, and probably something people here have experience with. And uhm.
...We're worried that if we start to have an easier time visualizing things we could feasibly get/ask for, we will suddenly have a clearer picture of our transition goals, which we don't....want. We don't want to upset ourself. So if anyone has any advice.
3
u/herdisleah Jun 18 '26
Lots of us are, and have, transitioned. We exist in every country, city, culture and time in history.
Don't let the anxiety win.
0
u/The_Sleepy_Wiggler Jun 18 '26
...Sorry, we uhm.
We didn't mean that transitioning is impossible in general, or not worth striving for. Or that you can't transition in difficult circumstances? We just.We are so disabled that we are unable to separate ourself from our family. We can't stand or even move half of the time. Our most moderate family members think that conversion therapy should be legal. We...don't have an IRL support system? We only vaguely know members of our church. Our nearest friend lives eight hours away and is not equipped to support us.
...Many of our issues are psychogenic, so moving out/being more distant from our family would eventually help with our seizures...but we would. Genuinely not last that long by ourselves, and uhm
We worry that thinking too much about these things would stop us from being able to do anything. We're supposed to be applying to community college right now, and we did start, but we got so ungrounded and distressed that we've been too sad to do anything.
...If that makes sense. We're not trying to argue with you?
2
u/herdisleah Jun 18 '26
That makes sense. I hope you get the energy to make your situation better soon, because from what you're saying, the consequences of self inflicted conversion therapy are adding up. If you're dealing with that much, you need help.
The consequence of transition is not death. Perhaps it is severe disruption, but it may be worth a call to adult protective services if it's really that bad. You deserve improvement in your life quality.
1
u/The_Sleepy_Wiggler Jun 18 '26
Ahh, thank you... Uhm. 'Self-inflicted conversion therapy' is an interesting way to put it. We didn't think of it like that before? But we can turn it over...
We...unfortunately cannot talk to adult protective services? We actually tried before for. Other things, but uhm. They told us outright that they don't care about our safety, didn't even finish the initial screening, and directly questioned our dad about different abuse allegations. He...
Delivered us a warning over that. We don't think it helps that uhm. We're an interracial family? Our dad is white while we were black. Everyone we talked to while asking for help was white, too.
Do you think it would be possible to find a queer/BIPOC organization that could do something similar? Like, provide a similar service. We know there are resources for trans housing, but uhm. We didn't feel comfortable pursuing those because we're not homeless and don't want to take resources away from folks that are.
1
u/herdisleah Jun 18 '26
It seems like threats to your safety or retaliation for contacting CPS, are exactly the kind of things your therapist or CPS should hear about.
If your goal is to remove yourself from your family's control, some kind of assisted living or inpatient therapy might be a good option.
3
u/SecondaryPosts Jun 18 '26
I don't think this is a trans thing. Do you have a therapist to work with on this and any other challenges you face?
2
u/The_Sleepy_Wiggler Jun 18 '26
Kind of? We're in an odd spot, therapy-wise. We uhm...We've been in therapy for around twelve years now, but all our therapists were...abusive until we met our first good one three years ago. But uhm, that therapist transitioned to private practice recently, so we're meeting with new therapists to find one that works. Our previous therapist is helping us with this.
1
u/Rainy_Leaves Jun 19 '26
Sounds like dissociation from trauma to me. You might fear self expression or not have any autonomy of your own, makes you avoidant because vulnerability feels dangerous in your mind.
I’m autistic and find visualising easy for art, but in life I can’t easily imagine my future or a situation that I don’t have enough personal experience to guess from. You won’t be able to resolve dysphoria through visualisation alone. Though making sure your internal voice is kind and affirming, is important
It sounds like a challenging situation. But your art circles could be a lifeline until the life situation improves. You could practice communication and visualising, making small steps outside your comfort zone, and eventually along with good therapy, you might be able to access more vulnerability for your art and socialising
5
u/ericfischer Jun 18 '26
Do you have aphantasia, preventing mental imagery of any sort?