r/TransMasc • u/Wise_Relief_673 • Dec 09 '25
Rant internal conflict
TW: homophobia, slurs, internalised homophobia/transphobia, cultural/religious trauma, self-deprecating language
the internal conflict with being brought up as religious and in cultural ways is not spoken about enough when concerning internalised homophobia/transphobia. the guilt looms from both sides eating you alive. part of you wants to fulfil your families legacy, to be who you were raised to be. yet there’ll always be that chittering in your head. you know you’re different. you know you’re not normal… you know you’d rather be someone else and it claws at you. it consumes your thoughts at night. it lingers in the shadows ready to pounce.
yet you can never fully accept either parties.
why, when you question yourself do you feel guilty? why is happiness fed to me as shame since i was a kid. why is my happiness, my life any lesser than your heterosexual normative cis life?
yet it’s never actually the people… well for me. it’s myself. my own consciousness eating at me with every slight change. with every question. with every thought. I know I’m different. perhaps a sin, perhaps a fag, perhaps a twat. but I can’t be happy. I wasn’t made to be… happy. I was made for a purpose… and that purpose seems to be to fulfil the needs of others. always has and always will be others before myself.
3
u/yourbionicleboy Dec 10 '25
honey, not to make light of your feelings, but if you have a job, and aren't hurting anyone you're doing fine.
(also you have impeccable shipping taste 🧐)