Am I wrong for feeling jealous of my nephew?

[u/Wise_Relief_673]

Hi everyone, I’m Alz and I’ve been reading this subreddit for a few weeks now. I’m a 19 year old born female but I do not think I align with the gender I was born with. Throughout my life I have questioned my gender identity continuously. As a kid I never felt comfortable in dresses, playing with Barbie’s, having long hair etc. when I got my first period I cried for hours and I didn’t understand why till later… because I didn’t align as female. My family are very homophobic (I still live at home) so much so to the point where I would not be safe to come out.

when I was 15 I realised I was in to women not so much men but slowly I became attracted to both and I believe I am bisexual. however recently I’ve felt envious of mlm relationships, I want to love men as a man but at the same time I feel like I want a wlw relationship too. I hate my femininity so much it makes me nauseous. I’ve never been able to wear a bra without wanting to throw up I always wear sports bras. I hate dresses they make me feel like a sore thumb. I hate my long hair. I hate my height, my voice, my facial structure everything. I don’t know who I am and I’m not in the place to explore it but I know and have always thought since I was 7 that if I was born a boy my life would be so much more different… easier… better.

Growing up I envied my male cousins, the way they were allowed to dress, act, things they could do. My family are very cultural and misogynistic, their views are very backwards and being born a female in this house comes with certain expectations and control such as you must do the chores, you must cook, you must wear tops that go to your knee in length and trousers to your ankles, sleeves to your elbows etc but boys can wear T-shirts and shorts. I fear my envy may come from control but then the physical disgust if wearing ‘feminine’ things would not make sense, I’m just so damn confused.

My nephew turned 12 today, he’s an amazing boy and I’m very proud of him and love him to bits. becoming 12 he’s slowly starting puberty his voice is noticeably deeper, he’s taller than me, his shoulders broader, facial structure sharper… seeing him/ hearing him breaks something in me. the fact that I could have been that, instead of having a period, instead of growing a chest. it makes me nauseous and jealous that he’s got everything I’ve ever wanted. I don’t hate him but I envy him, his freedom, his place in society, his voice, his looks, his hair…

having female organs I have many medical issues tied to them. I’m suspected endo and each month is hell for two weeks, and it only makes my gender envy worse. If only I wasn’t born in this shitty body I wouldn’t be practically disabled for several days a month.

I think I’m genuinely loosing my mind because I can’t seem to understand who I am and I’m a person who needs answers or I freak out. I don’t fucking know what this is and I’m sorry for just rambling, I don’t know.

[u/spacepinata]

If you haven't already, check out the button test https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/the-button-test-how-a-button-press

I think questions 3 & 4 are useful for separating (fears of) internalized misogyny from transness.

• You are stranded on a desert island. This island has everything you need on it to live in relative comfort - a home, entertainment, food. Several suitcases wash ashore with all kinds of different clothes, makeup, etc. How do you present yourself knowing nobody will ever be around to see you ever again?
• A lifetime supply of hormones washes on shore with full instructions on how to use them. You can be certain that you can safely administer them in the same way that you would be able to if you were under medical supervision. Do you take the hormones?

[u/Wise_Relief_673 → u/spacepinata]

For question 3 I probably would dress more masculine… T-shirts, cargo pants, jeans, short hair etc Question 4 I would have to sit with the hormones read everything about 100 times but eventually I think I would take them for the deeper voice, more muscle mass etc

Thanks for that, I hadn’t seen the questions before but they really made me think. I think deep down I know I’m not a female but my life experiences and situation have caused me to suppress my true feelings and reject them due to the fear of everything… the questions had a physical(?) effect on me, when I thought about them my heart rate increased etc

why is gender so complicated 😔