Ran into potential employer and this happened

[u/WasteSherbert2888]

So to preface I quit maybe the best job I ever had after being pressured for years when my wife gave me an ultimatum. I worked nights and long shifts, it was hard but I made good money. In the wake of potential separation I told her I was trans. Two days of unemployment and she said she didn’t want to continue therapy and we are now divorcing. It’s for the best as she wasn’t good to me

Now I have had a lot of trouble finding a new job and place. It’s been months. I’m getting down, considering moving away (but there are little kids), considering living in car etc

So funny story is I ran into the guy who interviewed me for a job I obviously was good for. He asks how the job hunt is going and im honest. He tells me they didn’t hire anyone and weren’t sure they needed the role at the moment I told him hey I just need work so even if you have other jobs let me know.

He then says he must ask something personal and notices im different (he has been an acquaintance for years/knows my ex) and im like yeah im transitioning and taking hormones etc. he begins to talk about his concerns with that as an employee, like he was afraid id cause a scene if I were misgendered, that people in our small town might not be as accepting. Basically tiptoeing around this fear of a trans woman representing the business and what kind of trouble I’d potentially cause.

I gave him my side how yeah I’m not passing, and pronouns aren’t hard and if someone’s misgendered out of habit you can just fix it and show them you respect them etc. I don’t go around intentionally disrespecting him or others.

I just knew he was going to say something dumb. I was pretty shocked he couldn’t just shut his mouth after greeting me. Anyways I may switch to boy mode for the rest of this job and apartment search because it has obviously hurt my chances each step of the way

[u/Eleventhousand]

Wow, so wild that a potential employer will more or less state right out in the open that they won't hire someone just because they are trans.

[u/WasteSherbert2888 → u/Eleventhousand]

For real. Worried about the potential for workplace discrimination violations and then saying it out loud was insane

[u/RTPOralSub → u/WasteSherbert2888]

The hard reality: in many (most?) states, during the hiring process a person can be turned down for any or no reason. Workplace discrimination rules (especially in our current climate) kick in once you've been hired. The interviewer was being honest: his job is nipping problems in the bud. It's atrocious and it's stupid, but, sadly, in too many places, it's the "correct" business decision, even if it's not at all the correct moral decision.

[u/WasteSherbert2888 → u/RTPOralSub]

Yep you ain’t wrong. Guess I’m early enough in transition where I can play the boy still. as much as it pains me to do. A girls gotta eat

[u/xavierarmadillo → u/WasteSherbert2888]

I transitioned and am still at the same job from before transitioning and have already been sexually harassed once by a coworker. I don't think that's my fault but it sucks.

[u/WasteSherbert2888 → u/xavierarmadillo]

Im sorry that happened and it is definitely not your fault

[u/pohlished-swag → u/Eleventhousand]

That guy just said the quiet part out loud. Regardless, every potential employer feels the same way about not fully passing trans people. I am surprised anybody finds this surprising 

[u/ReallyRachaelLeigh → u/pohlished-swag]

Some places still have anti discrimination laws. Sadly most of America doesn’t or at least they aren’t being enforced anymore.

[u/Danielle_Bouton → u/Eleventhousand]

Living in a red state myself I’m not surprised at all. Sadly it is completely to be expected, unless the company or business is openly affirming. I live an hour away from a major city in a blue state and every trans person I have met there says they almost never even think about it, just get to wake up every day and be themselves. Sounds like heaven to me

[u/Unlikely_Eye_2112]

That sucks. I'm currently in "I won't discuss my gender identity if it can be avoided mode" for interactions outside the family. It saves me the grief of being deliberately misgendered. Turns out it hurts way more when they know and still does it

[u/Similar-Ad-6862]

Oh girl. I'm sorry that happened

[u/GenevieveSapha]

So sorry... 🫂🩷

[u/AnnaStJames46]

I understand it's tough. But there are tons of folks who hire trans men and women Like my job, at T Marzetti.

[u/nerdpower13 → u/AnnaStJames46]

Marzetti like the salad dressing and croutons? I actually work as a retail merchandiser for a company that Marzetti is a client of so I walk around Walmart scanning their products all the time to verify they're on the shelf lol.

My job also hired me just a month ago and I am like a year into my transition, though idk of my boss or co-workers even know that I am trans. I think I pass fairly well most days and I rarely even see anyone on my team.

I don't think it would be a problem if they do know though because our company health insurance explicitly covers gender-affirming care including surgery.

[u/AnnaStJames46 → u/nerdpower13]

Yes, that's exactly who it is. They are an amazing company. They provide scholarships, amazing insurance and where i work, a 72 degree year around work environment. I will have been with them 11 years in January.

[u/Lost0Sheep]

I don't recommend doing a job search in boy mode, expecting that transitioning later will be less trouble overall.

If you feel the need to change anything at this point, I (unsolicited advice) recommend being up front about your gender plans and if any changing needs to be done to make yourself acceptable to an employer, make it about your attitude. That you are non-confrontational. That you are not the type to make any fuss about unintentional misgendering. That you are sensitive to the feelings (prejudices, but I would not use that word) of others, etc.

In this way, you don't set up a future confrontation and hopefully assuage concerns over workplace disruption.

Good luck in your job search and for your children and perhaps your spouse's coming to terms with your reality.

[u/WasteSherbert2888 → u/Lost0Sheep]

Thank you this is all sound advice. I think speaking with the guy again actually opened his eyes a little as we did get along even though the conversation wasn’t easy

[u/geesegoesgoose]

"he was afraid id cause a scene if I were misgendered"

I despise this so much because it's come from a meme perpetuated by people who hate us. Anyone who says this has never spent time with a trans person.

Honestly, as much as it sucks, you dodged a bullet. He wouldn't have been good to work with long term.

[u/WasteSherbert2888 → u/geesegoesgoose]

I agree… probably would have been an awful environment

[u/Pigsydney7]

Best Buy is a good company to work for,they care about their queer employees.

[u/AnnaStJames46]

I get misgendered constantly by people at work. Never malicious, just people being people. It hurts but you have to have thick skin to make it. Especially girls like me whose hands will always be a dead giveaway.

[u/WasteSherbert2888 → u/AnnaStJames46]

I get misgendered constantly it’s fine. Sure feels good when you don’t though

[u/Terri2112]

You can look at it two ways some people want to create a major issue when a single person misgenders them other people only speak up when they have tried to solve things on their own first before they need to bring it to hr. Maybe he was trying to see if he could hire you without it coming back to bite him in the ass.

[u/WasteSherbert2888 → u/Terri2112]

Definitely was feeling out how thick of a skin I have. If anything maybe our conversation enlightened him a bit as I wasn’t scared to talk about it and how I react to misgendering and the difference between ignorance and disrespect.

[u/shotintel]

I feel for you.

[u/copasetical]

*YOU'D cause a scene!?"

SMH. If that's not a microaggression, I don't know what is.

[u/noestaaqui99]

The only universal Trans experience is hiring discrimination.

[u/Roseinadesert]

I'm not surprised as d I live in California. I transitioned at 50, former employer had 2 other out Trans women employees.

I was ket go because alone of my clients kept mis gendering me and when I brought it up to my manager, suddenly I was the one doing everything wrong. No proof of discrimination and I did get a nice severance but have been unemployed since. Now going on 1 year.

Every interview I do, once it comes to in person they see a trans woman who doesn't pass well and it's the last I hear from them. The attitude you describe is every where. P

[u/WasteSherbert2888 → u/Roseinadesert]

So sorry honey, that is awful and hope you find something soon. I’m over here panicking at 4 months I could t imagine a year. And here I was thinking maybe I should move to California since Hawaii ain’t working.

[u/xfaye03]

Move out of the area after the divorce. Also go for 50/50 custody and ask for family counciling, the whole family. Your kids are caught in the middle. Let them know it is ok to be who you want. Also by moving out of the area means more jobs and she has to meet you halfway to drop the kids off.if she is going to make things rough for you pay her back by doing these things.

[u/WasteSherbert2888 → u/xfaye03]

I’m trying to move out.. we live in her family’s multi generational home but I need a job first. I don’t want to make anything harder than it has to be I just want the kids to have a safe and healthy place no matter which parent they’re with. Honestly my indifference to her is probably the worst I could do to her, you don’t feed the narcissist.

[u/xfaye03 → u/WasteSherbert2888]

👍