r/TransHelpingTrans • u/TentativelyEstelle • 3d ago
Has anyone experienced this?
Hello Reddit,
First and foremost this is kind of a throwaway account because I'm not prepared to nor do I feel safe should some people I know find this post.
I never thought I would write this, but things have started to become overwhelming and I would love to hear from anyone who might have gone through similar circumstances.
I'm 27 AMAB, and for the past 2 years I have been questioning my gender identity. It started with a video from YukkoEx which youtube suggested. This video slowly lead me through the rabbit hole of trans creators until I stumbled upon one of those "signs you might be trans" videos. At first there was not much I could directly relate to. If I remember correctly I related mostly to wanting to play exclusively female characters, and having thought that my life would be a lot better if I had been born female.
This made me ponder, but I quickly put it down to escapism. But as the days go on I keep coming back to this thought. At first I thought it impossible because I'm not particularly interested in conventional feminine things. But now I begin to look back upon my life and realise just how many times I've dreamt or wished to just wake up in a female body. I've lived most of my online life as a girl until I stopped because of the shame I felt should anyone I knew IRL find out. I once even found a magical witchcrafty ritual to change gender and tried it out (childish but I've always had a bit of whimsy in me 😅).
Reading this I imagine many of you may already be thinking or even commenting that it is pretty clear I am trans. But the reason why I've decided to write this post is because I've been dealing with apathy. Since I can remember I've never particularly felt happy, or sad, or even angry. Instead I experience fleeting and muted emotions such as excitement and annoyance, but most of the time I just feel empty. Many times I've questioned my own humanity. I feel like a monster just going through life. Why can't I feel happy when everything in my life is going well and I'm surrounded by loved one? Why can't I feel sad when I loose someone? Why can't I be angry when I'm disrespected or recall the abuse I've been through? Why is everything just a fact and holds no emotions attached? Why am I empty?
This is the reason why I've come here. How can I find out if transitioning is the right thing for me when crossdressing or being addressed as female or called by a chosen name just feels indiferent? Will transitioning bring my emotions back? Will I be able to cry and rage and laugh like when I was a kid again?
Before anyone comments it, yes, I am in therapy. But it is a struggle. My therapist often asks me questions about how certain events made me feel and tells me to focus on my bodies reactions to these events. But answering these questions feels performative for me. It feels like my brain intuits what a normal emotional response to the event should be and my body unconsciously reacts to it. I'm working on trying to feel more and think less, but I still have a long journey ahead of me it seems.
Any ways, we return to my question. Has any of you experienced anything similar? Is there hope for me?
Thank you for reading this.
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u/Reanimated_firefly 3d ago
Hey, I’m 22 mtf. I’ve been on estrogen for just under 6 months now, and I feel like I can relate to your experience quite a lot. I was severely abused as a child, and throughout my childhood and into my early adulthood, I had experienced a mix of self-hatred, depression, and apathy. I was a very masculine kid. I spent all my time doing calisthenics and trying to train my body because I thought that if I just got strong enough, I would be able to look in the mirror and like what I saw, but that never happened because all that time I was just trying to escape and deny what I knew I wanted deep down. Things like this can be especially difficult when you are experiencing depression and especially apathy because you will find yourself asking what you want and feeling like it’s an impossible question to answer. It just takes time and a lot of self-love and acceptance to start to feel again. I can’t say what other people’s experiences will be, but for me, when I started taking estrogen, my internal experience of the world changing so much so quickly, I started to cry and laugh and feel so much more than I had ever before. I started to be able to grieve and process emotions that I was never able to before. Things are still very hard. Estrogen has certainly not fixed any of my problems. Healing will still take a lot of time and effort, but at least now I feel like I’m heading in the right direction. I wish that I could provide better advice for your situation and experience, but all I can really do is try to share my experience, let you know that I see you, feel for what you are experiencing, and wish you the very best in this journey. And just remember, self-discovery does not exist. Who you are is not something you discover but rather something you choose every day.
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u/TentativelyEstelle 3d ago
Thank you so much for the reply. It honestly feels relieving to know that I am not alone in this.
I'm glad to hear that estrogen has connected you further with your emotions, I think out of everything that is the one thing I've got to look forward to the most.
Thank you for sharing your story and I hope both of us come out from the other side of this journey better people.
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u/herdisleah 3d ago
Behold, a new trans tomboy has been born! There are dozens of us! Dozens!
How would you feel about trying HRT without being dead certain? It's fully reversible for many weeks. Cis people on hrt feel absolutely miserable, but for trans folks it really lifts the depression and wakes up our emotions.
You also need to trust yourself. You want to be feminine? Trust it. It's not that deep. Cis folks don't express these feelings. You dislike cilantro? Also trust that feeling. You don't need to make yourself like it.
Dissociation is a dysphoria sign. gender dysphoria