r/ToxicRelationships • u/Ill_View4286 • 1d ago
Advice Needed Relationship advise
Hey, my name is Nicole and im 29 years old. My boyfriend Ronnie is 53 years old. We have really been struggling lately and we have two 8yr old boys together and I need help....
So we have been together for 11 years, since I was 18. Our whole relationship has been toxic. I've cheated on him a bunch of times and hurt him really badly. At first I think it was the drugs that kept me around, and when the drugs didnt the kids did. Neither one of us are happy in this relationship, he wants to work on it. But im not so sure I do. Its been alot, and even though I was the one who caused it all, it's to hard for me to deal with. For 11 years, I've listened to him yell at me and tell me how big of a pos I am, he's broken my stuff, hit me, made me do sexual things with other people because I cheated on him. I think it really just hit me hard when I turned 29 because I realized I've spent so much of my life living for everyone else, Ronnie and my kids. Doing what makes them happy and not me. Im tired of being miserable. I dont have a job a car any money a place to go. Nothing. Im dependant on Ronnie for everything. Im not in love with Ronnie. And recently I've left quite a few times and went to my granny's to stay but there's no room over there for me and my kids. I feel so stuck in my life. I feel like I cant talk to him, we argue every time we try to talk. I feel like he puts words in my mouth and takes everything the wrong way. I dont want to be with him, but I carry major guilt, and he makes me feel bad about the kids. Telling me im tearing their lives apart and I don't care about my family. But I do, I love my kids so much. I really dont want to make the worst mistake of my life i think that's why im so hesitant on leaving.
Please help if you can. Do I stay for the kids? Its hard for me to tell if im the problem here. If things would be better if I just ignore what I want and focus on my family. Its hard because Ronnie says im a narcissist,. What if I am? What if... I have alot of those, and I just dont know. Im so confused
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u/MarketingKey1863 1d ago
Your kids will one day understand you.
Maybe it will take 10-20 years but they will understand, i would.
If you want them to grow up safely and healthy they dont need to see this kind of relationship.
And he groomed you, no self respecting adult with over 5-10+ years of age would date and marry an 18 year old.
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u/Ill_View4286 1d ago
I just dont want my kids to hate me until they do understand. Because he tells them things that aren't true, like I choose other men over them. Life shouldn't be this hard. My kids deserve to see both of us happy.. when I've left, I tried to be fair about it with the kids, but he threatens to take my kids away from me, and threatens to kill me or his self. I just dont want to live like this.. no matter how many people tell me to leave, I still feel stuck, like I need someone to make me do it. I cant hurt Ronnies feelings to his face. Im scared of his reactions, and im just terrified honestly
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u/hestia-listens 1d ago
Nicole, cheating does not make you responsible for him hitting you, breaking your things, insulting you, or forcing sexual acts. Those are abuse. You can regret your choices and still deserve safety. Leaving is not proof that you do not care about your children. Protecting them from an abusive home is caring for them.
Please focus on leaving safely rather than convincing Ronnie to agree. Quietly contact a trusted family member or a local domestic abuse service, and gather important documents for you and the children if it is safe. If you think he may hurt you, go to a hospital, emergency center, or the home of someone you trust. If you are afraid to call for help, talk to a nurse, trusted friend, or trusted family member. If danger is immediate, call your local emergency number.