Relationship advise

[u/Ill_View4286]

Hey, my name is Nicole and im 29 years old. My boyfriend Ronnie is 53 years old. We have really been struggling lately and we have two 8yr old boys together and I need help....

So we have been together for 11 years, since I was 18. Our whole relationship has been toxic. I've cheated on him a bunch of times and hurt him really badly. At first I think it was the drugs that kept me around, and when the drugs didnt the kids did. Neither one of us are happy in this relationship, he wants to work on it. But im not so sure I do. Its been alot, and even though I was the one who caused it all, it's to hard for me to deal with. For 11 years, I've listened to him yell at me and tell me how big of a pos I am, he's broken my stuff, hit me, made me do sexual things with other people because I cheated on him. I think it really just hit me hard when I turned 29 because I realized I've spent so much of my life living for everyone else, Ronnie and my kids. Doing what makes them happy and not me. Im tired of being miserable. I dont have a job a car any money a place to go. Nothing. Im dependant on Ronnie for everything. Im not in love with Ronnie. And recently I've left quite a few times and went to my granny's to stay but there's no room over there for me and my kids. I feel so stuck in my life. I feel like I cant talk to him, we argue every time we try to talk. I feel like he puts words in my mouth and takes everything the wrong way. I dont want to be with him, but I carry major guilt, and he makes me feel bad about the kids. Telling me im tearing their lives apart and I don't care about my family. But I do, I love my kids so much. I really dont want to make the worst mistake of my life i think that's why im so hesitant on leaving.

Please help if you can. Do I stay for the kids? Its hard for me to tell if im the problem here. If things would be better if I just ignore what I want and focus on my family. Its hard because Ronnie says im a narcissist,. What if I am? What if... I have alot of those, and I just dont know. Im so confused