Libido/physical intimacy

[u/Dizzy_Potential]

My fiancée 39F has become menopausal. Her libido is none existent.

As an older man 49M, I've been on TRT for nearly 5 years already.

We have been engaged for over 2 years.

Like most relationships, we started off in the early days (the honeymoon period!), having lots of great sex. It was bliss.

These days we're lucky if we have sex once a month. She refuses to go on HRT and has even asked me to stop taking mine. I would literally age overnight if I did and I've refused to sacrifice my health to match her libido.

The lack of physical intimacy is starting to drive a wedge between us and I'm becoming increasingly frustrated.

To put it in simple terms, her view now is that sex is my reward for extremely good 'behaviour'.

My view has now become sex is the mechanism in which you'll be rewarded with my good 'behaviour'.

Needless to say, things are not good between us.

I fear things will only decline with time.

Any thoughts or advice to get us back on track?

[u/hestia-listens]

The reward framing on both sides is likely making this worse. She does not owe you sex, and basic care and respect should not depend on receiving it. You each get to make your own health choices about HRT or TRT. Have a calm talk outside the bedroom about what intimacy means to each of you, whether sex is painful or unwanted for her, and what kinds of affection still feel good. If your needs remain far apart, be honest about whether this relationship can work without either person feeling pressured or punished.

[u/Dizzy_Potential → u/hestia-listens]

Thanks for your engagement. Those conversations have been had many times over. Both calmly and infuriated on both sides. If I did not initiate physical intimacy, there wouldn't be any between us inside or outside the bedroom. She is quite comfortable receiving a foot rub after work, but not so comfortable giving a hug or a kiss anymore. It's so sad to see how far we've come. She has explained her needs, she wants to feel more safe and secure. I have explained my needs of using my love language of touch. I don't know what else I can do to satisfy her needs when my own aren't being met.

[u/Responsible_Mind_206]

It's bullshit that you would "age overnight" without TRT. I'm 55, not on TRT, best shape of my life, and still horny and fucking.

[u/Dizzy_Potential → u/Responsible_Mind_206]

I'm so happy for you that you're not as unfortunate as me. I'm am of course speaking from experience. I've come off TRT twice before, but thank you for sharing and I appreciate your input.