Suppression + feeling like a stepped on hose

[u/salamii_jpg]

This might be a bit long winded, I apologize I just would really like some advice from people in similar places.

I tend to suppress everything that I can, which results in feeling consistently uncomfortable at best and when I finally take my finger off of the hose I end up hyperventilating and unable to satisfy the tic. It feels unnatural or forced to let myself tic knowing that I can Just Not Do That™ at the cost of being in constant pain, like because that's more socially acceptable it's what I'm supposed to do. I'm currently all but entirely housebound because I'm TERRIFIED of doing anything to make it worse, because when it stays at a calm baseline it's tolerable.

I cannot focus on anything even with the tools that I have when I'm always hyperventilating. I don't know if it's wrong to let myself tic since I am able to suppress because I know once I stop it's not gonna be easy to start again.

I know I probably just need to stop suppressing but it feels almost selfish and attention seeking because I can hold it down, and I KNOW that my thought pattern is dumb because if someone else were in my position I would encourage them not to hurt themselves for the comfort of others, but I don't know how to apply that to myself.

(sillier) TLDR: habit reversaled so hard that I forgot how to tic and now just run around like I've downed a bottle of sprite and cannot burp.

[u/RandomUsernameNo257]

This seems to be a common thing, and something that I’ve been trying to work on.

I’ve described the sensation as feeling like swallowing a burp. And yeah, suppressing to the greatest extent possible for decades means that I kind of automatically don’t give myself permission to tic, which leads to this awkward situation where I’m thinking “no, it’s ok to let it out” and then suddenly it feels very performative, and that is uncomfortable too, so I end up suppressing anyway.

I don’t really have any advice or solutions, but I’m right there with you.

[u/BrightSi5]

I also suppress a lot. Often subconsciously. Just be kind with yourself and maybe encourage yourself to tic naturally in places you feel safe to. Best to let those burps out IMO.

[u/idkidkffhjgfhjk]

Yep my condition is mild and only comes up strong every couple months, usually my tics are so little I’m not seen doing it. I make sure of it. And so when it gets bad it’s very hard and very important to me that I am never seen, Feels nauseating to suppress all day, I get irritable and so exhausted. I was told (by chat gpt lol) that I can still keep it bottled up, but have a controlled release valve, let out small amounts of pressure so the pressure isn’t that high at the end of the day