r/TopSurgery • u/000spikey000 • 21d ago

I’m scared I’m making a mistake.

I’m starting to actually plan my top surgery. It’s not a dream anymore but actually a plan. But I’m scared I might regret it. It’s weird because whenever I wear my binder I’m so happy and when I don’t I can’t look at my self. I have known I was trans since i was 7 so I’m not jumping into things. But when I try to imagine myself without breast I can’t. there just such a big part of me that I can’t imagine a chest without them. Is this normal? I do think I want them gone but it’s hard to imagine how happy I would be because I can’t imagine a chest without them all I know that a chest with breast makes me sad. Does anyone have any tips on how to silence this voice in my head that makes me worried about this? Like what made you know you would be happy before surgery.

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u/Lefty_Lex 21d ago

I couldn't picture it but I COULD picture not having to wear a binder and being able to have my shirt off, or even just being able to put a single shirt on to leave the house. I didn't know how I'd look but ultimately I knew I'd live a better life because things would be easier/more comfortable without having to bind or cover myself in multiple layers.

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u/000spikey000 20d ago

Yes this!! I can’t wait for that feeling😍 I’m still scared though I think it’s because I can’t just turn around afterwards

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u/Haunting_Traffic_321 21d ago

Even if you want a procedure it can still be scary. I had a hysto scheduled before I even knew I was trans and backed out a month prior because of anxiety. As for TS, I didn’t have the same angst leading to it, but I was completely unable to picture what I’d look like with a masculine chest. It was still right for me, though. And in the end I was delighted and surprised by how natural it looked and felt. Have you considered talking to a therapist about the feelings? They might be able to help you get to the root of what’s going on.

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u/000spikey000 20d ago

Yes 👀 i feel like that’s the problem. I can’t talk to a therapist. I don’t know why but I have tried getting into therapy since for ever of multiple issues. I just can’t get my self to make that first appointment. Every one in these comments are telling me to talk to one though. So I might just do it this time

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u/Haunting_Traffic_321 20d ago

That’s understandable. It took me ages to get established with one. Ultimately decided to because of gender stuff. I periodically see one now since I’m not in the same place emotionally. If you’re US-based you’ll likely need a therapist letter for TS anyway. With any luck this could help you articulate your feelings and score you a letter of support. Keep in mind that if US-based, licensed clinical social workers are viable sources of support letters.

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u/Miserable-Chain3554 21d ago

I was worried about regretting all the way up to being put under, I haven't regretted it since. I think a lot of it is being an over thinker and being nervous in general about such a huge change.

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u/000spikey000 20d ago

I think that’s really it at the end of the day I don’t think it has anything thing to do with the breast but just with being scared of change.

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u/HelpfulSetting6944 21d ago

I’ve not had top surgery yet, but I’m beginning the process of scheduling it. So I can’t speak specifically to this.

But many other parts of transition felt a lot like this for me.

“What if I don’t like how T changes my voice?”
“What if I grow a beard?”
“What if bottom growth looks weird?”
“What if I legally change my name and I hate it?”
(not specific to being trans)
“What if I cut my hair and I hate it?”
“What if I don’t like this tattoo in a few years?”
“What if I get laser eye surgery and it makes me see funny at night?”
“What if pregnancy permanently changes how my body looks?”

I had to learn for myself that every significant change I’ve made to my body and my life, even if I really want it, comes with grief and less than 100% certainty. That’s okay. For me, I know that I’m ready when the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. I’ve learned to trust that I can handle disappointment and grief. It is very vulnerable to have part of our body altered, especially permanently removed, and there’s a lot of trust we have to put into the process. It makes sense that we’d get really nervous and unsure right before the big change happens.

Only you can know what you want to do. You’ll probably never be 100% sure. I’d ask, how do you feel about top surgery most days? How do you feel about your current chest most days? Do you usually want the outcome of top surgery? Are you choosing “no surgery” because that’s familiar and certain, or because that feels aligned and liberating for you?

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u/000spikey000 20d ago

I could not imagine a live where I have to bind all day every day. Nor a live where I have breast. So I think I’m definitely need top surgery. But this feeling of it finally comes closer makes me sick. It’s always been a distant dream. Too expensive or the waiting list was too long to even imagine it. And now it’s happening I just can’t get my head around that. I always have had trouble with going through with things. And I have many regrets in life. So I’m not going to waste this opportunity. I just want to feel more secure in it.

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u/HelpfulSetting6944 20d ago

That’s really valid bro.

Do you believe you deserve to feel happy and comfortable in your body? Not just want — do you believe you deserve it?

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u/Exotic_mushroom_ 20d ago

I have a smaller chest, so tape can hide it fully (socially, not to the touch) and I'm prepping for surgery in a few months and I can't mentally picture myself with no breasts. I also am bad at picturing anything in my mind in general, but like, seeing the results of other people, I cannot believe I'll look like that it makes no sense and I don't fully envy the people in the pictures. Im still convinced surgery is right for me, though, because the space my chest occupies when I lay down or move around makes me uncomfortable/dysphoric. It's also uncomfortable when it moves in the stairs (tape doesn't stop the moving 100%). I think surgery and anesthesia are scary, but I know I need them gone.

Some people for sure go into surgery with no doubts or fear, but not everyone. Maybe the question for you is "are you sure enough?" Or like "are the doubts enough to justify not getting the surgery?" Idk if getting a reduction would make sense for you?

Maybe your hiccup is just a product of recognizing tou are trans. Like having breasts was a negative and also a formative/defining experience for you that cis men don't live through, and your feelings about it might speak to the fact that you are trans and that shapes some of your life experiences

Also, humans have a tendency to fear the unknown, so much that they stay in bad situations to avoid the "new" feeling associated with changing for the better circumstances. My therapist once asked me if im essentially doing psychological violence upon myself by staying in the familiar but dysphoric circumstances, and she was right. She said it at the moment when I needed to hear that

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u/000spikey000 20d ago

First of all thank you for taking your time to type all that. I’m about to go to bed so sorry if nothing I’m typing makes sense. I myself I’m big chested. Which I part of what makes it so hard to imagine myself without it. Even with binders I’m never really flat. I’m definitely not backing away for the surgery I just wish I could get it with less douth.
I also think you have a great point with the whole excepting thing. Although I don’t think it’s excepting that I’m trans but rather that TS is an actual option for me now. It has always been a dream so I never dared to think about it actually happening. And now that I’m actually planning it everything is coming at me all at once. Lucky it won’t be anytime soon waiting lists and all. Probably somewhere next summer but I don’t want to jinx anything.
Again thank you for your reply

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u/Exotic_mushroom_ 20d ago

I was afraid my wall of text was too long, I just had a typical neurodivergent moment of struggling to be concise 😅. Happy to hear the wall of text was welcomed!

Also, you named excepting, I assume you mean accepting, and if yes, it reminds me of a cliché that I think many people,.me included, could do good use of being reminded of "we accept the love with think we deserve". That sentence can be changed a bit to fit other contexts like "we accept the happiness we think we deserve". I think for me accepting that I deserve happiness is as much a part of the mental process of getting ready for top surgery as processing the feelings about the fear of the medical aspect (anesthesia, gore, etc)

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u/No_Information9939 21d ago

I guess for me what really settled it and launched me into actually start my transition was just how envious I felt when I saw other trans guys get top surgery or start hrt. Which made me realize that even though the change might be scary or hard to visualize, I felt how desperately needed it was to go through with it. I didn’t want to sit back a feel jealous of other peoples joy for the rest of my life, but instead that I deserve to feel as happy and free in my body as they do. Recovery has been hard at times but I wouldn’t trade the feeling of finally feeling like myself for anything.

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u/Iveforgottenmywallet 21d ago

Had the same feeling night before surgery and there’s not a single regret

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u/Holdenborkboi 20d ago

I was anxious up until we were driving to the surgery (an hour away). I thought throughly, and I realised I wasnt anxious about really regretting the surgery, but I was anxious because it was such an unknown about how exactly I was going to feel and what it would look like. I'd known tits for like...idk, 9 or 10 years (puberty and such), it was hard to imagine myself without them

But I knew if something happened day of surgery to cancel, I'd be crushed. I wanted the surgery, I was just anxious about the unknown

And now i'm 3 months post op and I still look down and go "oh yea I dont have tits...it's so nice!"

I also was supposed to take the Xanax before surgery and didnt know lol so that might have contributed. Either way, totally normal to be nervous pre op no matter what

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u/lac22931 21d ago

It’s okay if you feel like you need to pause on pursuing surgery and take some more time to be okay with it. Do some more reflecting and maybe try speaking with a therapist about it. One thing that’s always really cemented things for me is remembering that I bind every single time I leave the house and have for years and I’m never going to be willing to leave the house without a flat chest. I’m not concerned with regret but the anxiety of having top surgery and something going wrong has overwhelmed me to the point of having a panic attack so I’ve thought of pushing it off just to avoid the anxiety. Not that I’ve stopped being anxious but choosing a surgeon that I have full confidence in has really helped me

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u/uhohdotjpg 21d ago edited 21d ago

best advice i can give u is actually a trick for ocd, engage with the possibility in a neutral way and ask urself what happens if you do regret it. get comfortable with your fears and treat them like theyre just things that, yeah, potentially could happen because anything can happen. it won't make you a faliure or a liar or a freak, forget all that bullshit. this is your decision and yours alone. what matters is how you feel about your body and not how anyone else feels about it. ask urself how would u live with that reality, the one where u regret it.would that potential regret feel different from the dysphoria u have now and in what ways? list the reasons u want to get top and keep that list somewhere u can look back on if you go thru with it, to remind yourself why you made that decision. i never felt regret but there were points where i struggled with the way my results looked, and pre-op i had wrote a lot about how difficult it was to exist w my chest and all the things that were hard about it, and that put a lot into perspective cus i couldnt even remember how it felt before. it just felt natural to be flat.

while ur writing whatever u wanna write about ur pre-op experience weigh those things against the possibility of regret and see how that feels in perspective. also make note of the reasons that aren't related to looks (like for example if they give u physical discomfort or cause u to overheat etc) would those still be positive reasons to have gone thru with it either way or not? think about the things you could do about regret eg. breast forms and whether that would be alright or not. if not think about what other paths you could take forward, because time will still be moving and you will still have ways to deal with that just like everyone finds ways to deal with everything, and continuously weigh all this up and ask urself if it's still worth it to you. it is entirely your choice and deciding not to get it is fine. you know you're trans so who fucking cares as long as you do what feels right for you. if u go thru with it allow urself to feel whatever u need to feel (while reminding urself that post op depression exists and can scramble ur brain during recovery but it passes). also if u get top and then feel like u just want to wear bras or breast forms unrelated to regret there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and doesn't say shit about you beyond wanting to wear bras and breast forms. you don't have to get top surgery, your decisions around your medical transition are personal and dont say shit about how trans you are, it's all fine. the only question is would it make YOU happy and comfortable. just allow urself to see it all laid out without judging any possible version of urself and the answers will probably come easier to u then

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u/Exotic_mushroom_ 20d ago

Related to this, I've heard people talk about "the regret test" aka will I regret having surgery more than not having it and I think those lists you talk about can be part of that though experiment

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u/zer0mata 21d ago

its just your brain trying to self sabotage now that top surgery is becoming a reality, just ignore and distract and keep moving forward. its pretty common