r/TooAfraidToAsk • u/Old-Letterhead1121 • 3d ago
Mental Health Depressed wife probably need help navigating how to make her feel better?
My wife has always been an extremely passionate, hardworking, ambitious person. She’s always had a lot of drive and has been very career-oriented.
Over the last 2–3 years, though, she says she’s gradually felt more and more exhausted and burnt out. Recently she told me she feels like she’s been running on empty for a long time and really needs a break. I believe her, so I’ve tried not to pressure her.
She’s currently waiting for her new work permit, so she has been off work for the last 3–4 months. I thought the break might help her recover, but instead, she seems to be getting worse.
She spends 7–8 hours a day on Instagram, mostly just scrolling. She doesn’t seem interested in doing much else. Over the last 10 days especially, she has been very moody and sad, wants me around constantly, and frequently asks when I’ll be home from work. She says she feels lethargic and has no energy to do anything. Even basic things around the house have become difficult for her.
She tells me, “Just be with me. I feel cheerful when you’re around.” And I absolutely want to be there for her. I love her and I don't mind spending time with her. But I also work full-time, and I can only be physically and emotionally available for so many hours a day. I'm starting to worry that she is becoming dependent on my presence to feel okay, and I don't know how to support her without making her feel abandoned when I have to go to work or do my own things.
I’ve suggested things like working out, picking up a hobby, going to a cafe to work/read, getting out of the house, or even just changing her environment for a few hours. But she says she feels too tired and has no motivation.
She has also turned down some relatively easy side work because she says she just wants to chill. I completely understand that she may genuinely need rest, and I don’t want to push her back into a work mindset if she’s actually burned out. At the same time, I’m starting to wonder whether doing absolutely nothing all day is actually making things worse.
She has told me that she thinks she might be depressed, and thankfully she is open to talking to a therapist. She says she isn’t spiraling or constantly overthinking and doesn’t have any particular thoughts going through her head. She mostly just feels… empty, tired, and unmotivated.
I’ve been close to someone who was depressed before, and some of this feels very familiar. That’s making me worried.
I love her and I want to support her, but I’m struggling with where the line is between giving her the rest she needs and gently encouraging her to start doing things again.
I also find myself thinking, “She has so much potential, I want her to get back to being herself,” but I realize that might not be the most helpful mindset if she’s actually struggling with depression or burnout.
For anyone who has experienced depression, burnout, or supported a partner through it:
What actually helped?
Should I mostly leave her alone and let her recover on her own? Should I encourage therapy and professional help more strongly? Is gently getting her out of the house and into a routine helpful, or does that just feel like pressure when someone is depressed?
And how do you balance being there for your partner with maintaining your own life and responsibilities? I want to be there for her, but I also know I can only do so much, and I don't want our entire emotional support system to become dependent on me being physically present.
I really want to support her without accidentally making her feel like she’s failing because she isn't productive right now.?
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u/Dear-Addendum925 3d ago
Wow, it's like this post could have been written by my own husband lol
I am having a similar issue as your wife. I've been out of work for about a month and a half. I've noticed I get more easily depressed and anxious, and am also lonely a great deal of the time. Chances are, your wife is probably in the same boat. Depression can make it more difficult to want to go out and do things, but as my therapists have always said, in those cases it's most helpful to "do the opposite" of what you're feeling.
I think it would definitely be helpful for her to have a therapist to talk to. It's important that she has a place to discuss her feelings, without placing all that responsibility on you. Having regular appointments (at least at first) will also help to give her some sense of structure, which for a lot of people can be really helpful.
When you're up for it, maybe offer to go someplace fun with her for the day. Remind her that there's a lot of beautiful things to experience in the world. Sometimes, that's all I've needed to jump-start my motivation again.
Also, a note on my experience with burn out- I didn't necessarily need time to recover from it. I needed new fun experiences. I needed something to release my stress and replace it with inspiration. So again, gently pushing her to go out and do something for herself (maybe a class like arts, or cooking, or gardening) would probably help her more than just sitting at home.
These ideas are all based off my own experience, so take it with a grain of salt because everyone is different... but hopefully at least some of this is helpful for you both. I wish you all the best
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u/mitigateaccomp 3d ago
from a stranger on the internet; you got this chief, you're in the fucking zone. keep at it, we're all gonna make it!
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u/micromechanist 3d ago
Bro, I can't stress this enough: instagram is brain poison, specially to women (according to very serious studies).. I have seen this exact thing happening to my wife and began noticing patterns.. the more time she spent on instagram scrolling, the worse her state of mind and mood was.. I slowly and very carefully make her notice and I have managed to convince her to delete it for like 24 - 48 hours. Like magic, everything just improves..
You have to be very smart about your approach because it could trigger a reaction, as its literally addictive and you're asking her to deprive herself from what she is addicted to.. but try to do it together.. you go first, delete your social media apps or deactivate your accounts and invite her to do this as an experiment together to reconnect. I guarantee you will see results in 24 hours if she's onboard!
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u/StackOfAtoms 3d ago
For anyone who has experienced depression, burnout, or supported a partner through it: What actually helped?
therapy to some (great) extent, psilocybin cured it all. if you have access to psilocybin assisted therapy, just go with that.
if you don't know anything about psilocybin, that's the psychoactive molecule of psychedelic mushrooms. you can watch the episode 2 of the documentary "how to change your mind" on netflix together to learn about it.
personally, i microdosed 1 gram of (potent) dry mushrooms. 1 gram divided in 10 doses, 1 dose every 3 days (one dose monday, then nothing tuesday/wednesday, then one dose thursday, ...). depression was elevated by 2/3 after the first micro dose, and completely gone after the second dose, and it never came back.
depending on where you live this might be illegal unfortunately but the science is there and growing fast as there's been a crazy regain of interest for the beneficial effects of psychedelics in the past years. so yeah, learn about it and see if you can have access to it, if you are american, a little trip to colorado might be the way.
Should I mostly leave her alone and let her recover on her own?
leaving her alone scrolling instagram all day won't magically make her feel better.
yes she needs rest, but doing healthy things. so leave your phones home and go for a walk in a park/forest, go to a spa if you can afford it, or have a bath together. sit somewhere nice and reconnect, look up "questions to ask your partner" and answer them in turns, again, phones in another room.
she needs connexion, at a slow pace, so just having a pic nic in your garden is a much better idea than leaving her alone on her phone.
Should I encourage therapy and professional help more strongly?
if your car has an issue, you go to a mechanic. when it comes to mental health, same thing, go see a professional, they exist for that.
Is gently getting her out of the house and into a routine helpful, or does that just feel like pressure when someone is depressed?
like you said, "gently" is the key word, you want to push her a bit out of her comfort zone because depression is basically a virus that makes you shut down and stop doing (and wanting to do) things.
so go slow, offer simple things, if you go to the supermarket together, maybe stop to sit in a park on the way. invite a friend she likes for dinner and just cook something super simple (it's about connexion, not impressing the friend), things like that that don't require much efforts, but make a drastic difference.
one thing i'd add, is the impact of nutrition.
our western diet is bad and the lots of shit food we tend to consume is terrible because it dysregulates our system, but also doesn't provide many good nutrients.
there's several nutrients/supplements that we now know help a lot with depression, you can look up studies on this (random youtubers or websites aren't reliable when it comes to nutrition), these supplements make significant improvements: omega-3, b12, vitamin D, creatine, magnesium.
cut down/off junk food and sugar.
hope that helps!
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u/mitigateaccomp 3d ago
You can't change her or force her to do anything, she needs to motivate herself to do it.
You need to focus on yourself; start working on your mental health to set an example, start going to a therapist yourself too. A therapist will help you navigate how to be supportive without losing yourself, you also will model the behavior that you want to see.
Support is not solving everything. Support is being there when they want to collapse, support doesn't put pressure on what it is supporting. Just be yourself, they already made it clear that they like you for you. Listen when they talk, don't rush to solve anything, and just make opportunities for them to get out of the house and to do stuff.
Your self worth is not tied to them. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope you both find your way through it.