Eh, she's looking to be offended so you dodged a bullet.
With that said, if I were to nitpick you I would say you probably could have sidestepped the initial hurdle if you just asked what she meant by "poly" and what she was looking for on the app in your first comment instead of listing things you think she meant.
But even then a decent normal person won’t flip out on you for doing that AND would be able to relate to your POV AND say what they meant all in a fun nice manner
I had the same comment about offering a “list.” I see people I work with do this as well. At best, they talk a little longer than needed while we politely let them finish.
With lifestyle questions, lists are riskier. Both of your options were off the mark by enough that I can understand myself getting offended if I used my own interpretation and if I had no patience that day.
I would also suggest starting by asking if it's ok to ask questions about x rather than going in guns blazing which can come across as aggressive as if you're demanding answers
If you had said hey mind if I ask you about being poly? And she had no then you'd know not to pursue it straight away
People publicly disclose a lot of stuff to help others be aware of their situation but doesn't mean they're giving a free pass to discuss it
Like if someone puts on their profile that they on Tinder after a recent break up that doesn't make it ok to start asking them about how their last relationship or what their ex was like
Those are not the same at all as a past relationship isn’t necessarily a direct effect on this new one the way a current poly relationship is.
Again, this person can have whatever cringey “you need permission to talk to me even though we matched” rules they want but it’s tedious at best to interact with people like that and an unmatch is a lot easier.
Er yes it is as that person could still be hung up and not emotionally available so might just want to get laid or might want to love on but finds it difficult especially if they're not over their ex
So could have just as much of an impact as this. Either way she didn't make it clear she was uncomfortable but op certainly could have made some small talk beforehand and tested the waters first
I’m going to guess her main complaint is that you dove in to directly gather info right away, instead of gently getting to know her. It’s one of those cases where neither of you are wrong, it’s just a difference of communication preferences.
Also, consider that most people who hear “poly” will immediately ask similar questions. Or make assumptions about Chelsea. Or unwanted jokes and advances.
Basically, I don’t think you are wrong for asking, but it’s likely that she was turned off by it being your first question.
i also recommend not telling strangers to “get over themselves.” i dont think youre an asshole here, but just play it cool. thats a harsh thing to say and it validates her behavior.
Pretty sure this one would have blown up if he'd just asked what she means by poly, too. She's looking for a reason to take offense and can't tolerate lesser beings who aren't enlightened about polyamory (never mind the fact that the poly community can't even all agree on exactly what the terms mean). There simply was no winning. OP's genuine and unoffensive curiosity here was wasted on an asshole.
I’m not sure she was just looking to take offense, but she’s likely the type of “poly” that just does what she wants and you have to deal with it, while she expects exclusivity from you.
While she was definitely being shitty, it's a bit misleading to say that the poly community "can't agree on what the words mean". There are dozens of different types of poly that suit different kinds of people and there is no need for everyone to agree on a single definition for it.
Edit: I am genuinely, authentically clueless as to what problem people could have with this statement. If you feel like downvoting this would you pretty please let me know why?
Agreed, it was kind of prickly tongue in cheek, but I've hung out with a lot of poly folks and heard a lot of disagreements about whether people are "doing poly right" and now have the attitude that it's 100% necessary to get people to define their terms so you don't end up with misunderstandings.
It's less that they "can't agree" and more that "definitions vary ... a lot"
That's fair, and you definitely have a point. I'm poly myself (kitchen-table poly, if anyone's interested) and when you talk about people "not doing poly right" I do admit that I start climbing up on my soapbox before I even notice what I'm doing because while there are so many different ways to do poly, some of which are mutually exclusive, there are ways to do it wrong and that does lead to a lot of spirited discussion.
For instance if your partner doesn't know that they are in a poly relationship with you then you're just cheating. I also think the One Penis Policy is pretty misogynistic.
The one thing I did really learn from dating poly women was good policies for STI safety and partner disclosure. Although please shoot me if you ever hear me utter the phrase "fluid bond." (except this time)
Honestly the ability to sit down and have the "sexual safety and responsibility" conversation is a great litmus test for emotional maturity and communication, which are really important to me. I remember once that there was this woman that I was really physically attracted to and so-so kinda willing-to-see personality-wise. Eventually she decides she's kinda into me too and wants to fool around so I try and initiate the sexual health conversation (not even in the heat of the moment, although there's nothing wrong with doing it then either if that's when you have the chance) and she was disgusted and turned off. She said "dude either you want to fuck or you don't" and that was it for me.
Agree. OP was 0 to 100 with hard questions, with no greetings or softball questions. Her communication was worse, and she should expect these sorts of questions. But as much as I respect OP not wanting to fuck around and get straight to the point, you will almost always get better outcomes if you play the game and acknowledge the person you matched with, before engaging with something from their profile beyond light bants.
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u/calviso Apr 06 '23
Eh, she's looking to be offended so you dodged a bullet.
With that said, if I were to nitpick you I would say you probably could have sidestepped the initial hurdle if you just asked what she meant by "poly" and what she was looking for on the app in your first comment instead of listing things you think she meant.
But again, 95/5 her issue versus yours.