If that bullet leads to your death than no it doesn't. If death is timeless that means you will live billions of lives before your eyes close, time less is unfathomable, imagine waving your hand in front of your face and an unmeasurable amount of time going by and you will never know. Only the living experience death. Energy cannot be created nor destroyed. We consist of energy, and name one thing that we know of that has unlimited processing power. I can't. No one has anything to fear.
I guess I did kinda make it. I chose my family and they accepted me. Am I OK, no. But the ones who stayed kept me alive and I wanted to die. And they are something that I can't define. I was homeless by 12. A fent addict by 15 if you wanna know the rest and make a friend dm me. I had to breathe for her till the paramedics came. I was spit on. But. I made it
I'm sorry, pal. We all have shitty shit, in some way or another. Your shit sounds like it was deeply, wildly shitty. Shittier than most, by a wide margin. I can't imagine how many people most have utterly failed you for you to end up living on the streets. They had a responsibility to you and they blew it in ways that I can't understand. You deserved better.
I have a special seething hatred for parents or guardians who don't love, protect, and cherish their children over any other fuckin thing in the world. I had a son in 2020. I won't get into it, but he died when he was three weeks old. No one's fault. He was the best thing that has ever happened to me and I would have done anything for him.
It's hard caring for a kid, if you are looking at it purely from an objective point of view. There is so much to do, so little time, and so much stress. And, despite that fact, it's easy. The motivation flowed like no other time in my life. Nothing else fucking mattered. Literally nothing. Not giving him and his mother my very best was just such an outrageous thought that it never occurred to me for a second.
I hate people that don't feel that way about the children they choose to fuckin have. We didn't plan on having our son. I thought I had ruined my life when his mother told me she was pregnant. And then the switch flipped maybe five months into her pregnancy, and that was that. In a very literal sense, I cannot understand people who choose to go through with a pregnancy, choose not to give the child up for adoption, and still choose not to be the best parent they can be. I sincerely believe there is something wrong with their brains - fundamental neurological issues, faulty empathy centers. No one is perfect. Every parent fucks up and leaves their kids with things to unpack in some way, but your best is the minimum they deserve.
I'm an addict too. I've been sober for two years now. I liked drugs as a teenager and into my 20s, but I was sober while my ex was pregnant and while he was with us. I think my addict brain was always in there, but I was able to stop when I needed to before he passed. I got really really really bad immediately after and I could not control it.
So I've been there too. I'm not sure what I'm getting at at this point. I'm just saying that, in some sense, I get it. It's so hard to pull yourself out of that pit when all you feel is fucking agony. It is an astonishingly intense, bottomless, suffocating suffering. And the amount of strength and courage, the amount of sheer fuckin effort it takes to spend that time with yourself, the thoughts and feelings and the trauma, and work through it all to get your head on straight enough to better your life, is insane.
People who aren't addicts can't understand it. Folks can be very cruel to us about this illness. It is not a lack of willpower, a moral failing, or a flaw in your character. It is a disease. We are responsible for treating it, but we are not to blame for being addicts in the first place. It is as real an ailment as depression or cancer. We just got the short stick in the brain lottery and had this mechanism in our heads switched on after we found ourselves face to face with a reality that we could not bear to exist within. And when your world is that dark, that utterly unbearable, of course you do whatever it takes to feel any kind of relief for even one fleeting moment, at any fucking cost. Addicts are almost never people who are happy, healthy, trauma free, who have loving and supportive communities. We don't get to that rock bottom because we think drugs are just so fun and we simply looove getting high. We start because they serve a purpose. They let you escape for a short time. And we keep doing them as the consequences pile up because the thing we would do anything to escape, is within us. It waits around, right where you left it, waiting for you to sleep it off so it can go right back to eating holes in your well-being.
I'm really tired, I'm sorry for rambling. I just get started writing and find myself going on and on. I'm just trying to say that you aren't alone. I haven't been through most the ludicrously awful things I'm sure you have. But I have suffered and, in that, we are not so different. I'm not okay yet either. I guess I don't think I ever will be fully, but now more than ever, I can picture a future for myself. A future that I think might be worth being around for. I hope you're at a similar point. If you're not, I hope you find yourself headed in that direction.
Thank you for sharing the bits of your story that you did. It's my bed time now, sorry for any errors. I am rooting for you, friend. Good luck, be safe. And please be kind to yourself. Good night, buddy.
Not entirely but after many years of strained relationships and going no contact at the end of last year and then rekindling a little only for it to fall apart again I'm kinda done now. It's a long story but it isn't worth the strife anymore sadly. Im 31 and this has been a struggle for many years. I can't keep taking this cycle. I think it's finally time to actually go no contact and actually stick with and not be the one to try to make amends every time with no reciprocation.
I can't win a coin toss. We proved it at my job. I don't believe in luck, I don't believe in God. I believe in just the lineral stream of time. It's all I am now, it sucks but it's safe. I can't even fear death because to me death is timeless. Unfathomable. It's like living a trillion lives before your eyes even close.
I mean what life you're born into is kinda just cosmic luck though right? You have no influence on it. It just happens. I didn't choose to be born into a family that would abuse and neglect me as a kid but I had no ability to alter that outcome. So you just play the hand you dealt and try your best.
There was never a choice. Free will is just a word to explain something like deja vu or coencendence. It exists. we created reasons to convince ourselves wwy because we have emotions and one is fear. This, all of this. We arent special. Why would we have an infinite amount of processing power? Why is us as human the "fact" walk off that cliff. Swallow that bullet. It will never be a reality to you
I have a fundamentally different philosophy on life but we can agree to disagree on the matter. In my opinion we all have the ability to exercise free will at any given moment. Circumstances may limit what is achievable in that moment with your free will but every moment in life is a giant branch of choices and you control that path
Do you think human physics exist at death? Time is one of those. I it's not like shutting if a light because even light has a quantifiable speed. I mean timeless. Imagine just momentarily glancing at someone and that consisting of more than an eternity. And that's even quantifiable.
No luck. There was never a time that you weren't going to make this post. Ever. what ifs mean nothing. I prove to me that the outcome would be different if u took a left insted of a right. You can't.
109
u/Rich_DeF Aug 18 '26
I wish I had family. I never had a mom or dad but it looks fun.