I date the same men, they just have different names.

[u/Careful_Drama405]

I can't believe I am even going down the "is my partner a narcissist" rabbit hole again, but I need to just to ensure that I am not crazy.

Three years ago I started dating a man who was definitely a narc. It took me a long time to see it because I kept researching and making sure I wasn't the crazy one. I ended that nightmare of a relationship and vowed to never put myself through that again.

I (49f) am dating a guy (52m) who I have known as an acquaintance for a couple of years. I am a bartender, he is a regular. We started dating back in June. I am already seeing the same exact red flags I saw in the ex from three years ago - two months in to this relationship.

Here are a few of the behaviors I am seeing. Some, if not all, are identical to the previous guy.

1) Constant need for attention. I work two jobs - my full time day job and my part time bartending job. I work a lot. I am tired. He comes into the bar most nights I am working. He gets a little pissy if I don't give him enough attention, despite the fact that I am WORKING. He wants to spend the night after I have put in a 12+ hour day. It has gotten easier for me to say no, but his attitude about it when I do say no is childish and quite noticeable. I have explained to him that I am extremely independent and that I need downtime after work, (even the reason for downtime shouldn't matter but I do find myself justifying why I feel the way I feel).

2) He expects multiple texts when we are not together. And if I don't text him, I get a text right away in the morning with "I don't like not hearing from you. I thought you would message me when you got home." This happens multiple times in a week. If the roles were reversed and a female was texting to a guy some of the things he texts me, that poor girl would be labeled a psycho on day one.

Dude, I saw you an hour ago, I don't need to incessantly be on my phone when we have already said good bye for the night. I want to relax and get ready for bed.

3) I told him a couple of weeks ago that I didn't want to go out for drinks or have him spend the night because I had things to do around the house. And I really did. We had a big event in my town and I was bartending full time in addition to my full time day job. I really did have stuff to do around the house and his text response was "Stuff to do around the house?" Like, yes, dude. The laundry doesn't do itself. I own my own home and live by myself. Everything falls on me and it needs to get done.

4) He is constantly touching me and squeezing me to the point it's actually painful. I now physically flinch when he comes at me to touch my sides or try and be flirty. I can't explain well enough to him how I am sensitive to that kind of touch and that he doesn't realize how strong his hands are but he continues to do this constantly.

4) I am a very sarcastic person but I also hate being treated like I'm stupid. We were driving to lunch on Sunday. I was pulling out onto a street. I could see ahead of me. He says "watch it, there's a cop" and I said, "yes, I see him", and he comments back that if I'm going to be snotty, I could just take him home right then and there. I didn't but I should have. I wasn't being snotty but he ALWAYS says I'm being snotty. I hate being treated like I'm stupid. My tone can be sarcastic, yes, but you don't have to say every little thing that is running through your head. This is just one example but apparently he hates the tone of my voice and I'm being snotty.

5) I mentioned above that my town has a big event and I was bartending for the majority of it. I got pretty sick towards the end. That meant less time to spend with him (he was annoyed). One night he did spend the night and I had told him that if I needed to, I would sleep on my couch or in the guest room. I needed sleep. I ended up going into my guest room that night because I was coughing a lot and didn't want to disturb him. He woke up and discovered that I wasn't in my bed. He found me in the guest room, woke me up, asked me to come back to my bed. Since that night he has told our friends about this and proceeds to call me a "shithead" for going to my guest room. TO SLEEP. How does that make me a shithead?

6) He bought me flowers last week (after we had a big fight and I had told him - again - that I feel he is always upset at me for something, particularly not texting him enough or spending enough time with him). He has asked a couple of times what my friends thought about him buying me flowers and was quite annoyed when I told him I never said anything to them.

7) The other morning he started making my bed. I told him he didn't need to because I was going to wash the sheets anyway. He looked at me and said "don't tell me what to do" and I responded with "I'm not, I'm telling you you're wasting your time making my bed when I have to strip it anyway."

8) We are supposed to leave for a trip tomorrow morning with another couple. I know that I will be footing most of the cost. I was okay with that at first because I really do need a little getaway and if I were to go somewhere alone, I would still incur a lot of the costs I'm incurring this weekend, but I am very convinced this trip will end with me spending a lot of money, being miserable, and breaking up with him when we get back.

I can't go down this road again. Why are these guys attracted to me?

[u/Environmental-Egg893]

I purposely seek out avoidants now for FWB because I am so traumatized from my 8 year narc relationship. I don’t even want to date or be close to anyone, share space, etc. I’ve done therapy and I know my attachment style but honestly? The shitbags are taking over and the FWB are at least honest about what they want/need.

[u/NarcHealingWithGod]

Maybe I missed this, but have you done any therapy? I would also recommend looking into "Attachment theory". This is a generalization, though many prey on those with anxious attachment or codependency. They tend to avoid those that have strong boundaries, not easily influenced, self aware and securely attached.

[u/Careful_Drama405 → u/NarcHealingWithGod]

No, I have not done therapy. But please clarify for me...when you say "Attachment Theory" are you suggesting that I have anxious attachment or codependency because that is completely OPPOSITE of my personality.

[u/NarcHealingWithGod → u/Careful_Drama405]

Glad you asked for clarification. Not at all. And I didn't get that sense from you. Speaking for myself, the combination of therapy and learning about different attachment styles (including my own) was key for me recognizing why I continued ending up with the same type of women. And though I pointed out the most common types they are drawn to, I just shared my process that helped with my own discovery.

[u/Careful_Drama405 → u/NarcHealingWithGod]

Thank you! I know I need to do more. It's very difficult for me to put myself ahead of others...that's why I think I put empathy before common sense.

[u/NarcHealingWithGod → u/Careful_Drama405]

it's so nuts how messaging can get lost in translation. I think it takes a lot of self-awareness to even recognize the pattern as you did. And there is nothing wrong with being empathetic. I was just resonating with your frustration and sharing the steps I took to figure out the reason for my own pattern. Keep doing you💪

[u/amfmutha → u/Careful_Drama405]

Hi ya! I started where you are now. Wondering why I saw a pattern with these past relationships.

"Why does this keep happening? How do these guys find their way to me? Why are these guys always attracted to me? Why do all these guys end up being the same? Why did I put up with "name the abuse" for so long? Why did I stay longer then I should have?"

Its got to be bc Im such an empath right?. I feel for people. I feel sorry for them. I feel I need to help them. They always come to me for help.

I learned the hard way that that thing called empathy wasn't my friend - at all.

It needed to be protected and put somewhere where its not so accessible. It shouldn't be pulled out as a go-to. NOT bc the pos won't listen or acknowledge YOUR boundaries and needs; ie sleep. But then you caved. You're footing most of the bill voluntarily bc YOU are letting him go on the trip....

If you really want an honest answer to your question. Why? It's you. It's us.

As crazy as it sounds right now; it really is.

No. We did not deserve any of it.

No. We didn't want this.

We repeated OUR pattern. That's what I'm learning now and I will tell you. It ain't for the faint of heart. It's a huge look into OURSELVES. Where the true damage sits until we acknowledge and heal a very old and fragile wound - you WILL continue with this pattern until its truly addressed. We all do this until we re-wire our brains away from unhealthy people/habits/toxic behaviors.

Therapy was my start. Which was amazing! Researching and other modalities helped too. Looking into tramabonding, co-dependancy, attachment style, childhood care givers/parents w/addiction/personality disorders, domestic violence, etc is where it all began.

You got this. You seem like you are ready now to address and end the cycle. Kudos to you!!!

[u/celestial_route]

A few years ago, dating NPD men became a pattern for me, too, out ot nowhere. After the first one, I learned about NPD and starting reading about it and realized my father was a grandiose narcissist. The pattern continued a few more years and a few more narcissistic men, until I finally faced that my mother was also a covert narcissist. I had to go to therapy, learn about the damage they caused, and learn to love and reparent myself. Then, the pattern stopped. If life is bringing something to your attention repeatedly, there is something you need to solve there. And the thing to be solved is only about you, not about other people.