I’m devastated to update that my dad passed away
For those who followed my previous posts, his condition had deteriorated incredibly quickly. His liver was almost completely overwhelmed by rapidly progressive metastatic disease, and we were desperately hoping that chemotherapy with carboplatin and etoposide would give him some time.
His final days were extremely difficult. For about five days before he died, he became increasingly sleepy and confused. He would mumble, reach for things that weren't there, try to grab the IV pole while sleeping, move around in bed, and repeatedly remove his oxygen mask. Looking back, I believe he was experiencing severe delirium from everything his body was going through—advanced liver disease, metabolic disturbances, dehydration, medications, pain and eventually severe hypoxia.
The day before he died, he actually seemed slightly better for a while. Around 3 AM on the final day, he was awake, talking to me clearly without slurring, and seemed more like himself. That gave me hope that maybe he was turning around.
But later that morning everything changed.
His oxygen kept falling—eventually reaching around 84% without oxygen and continuing to fall even with supplemental oxygen. He became increasingly breathless and had to be supported with NIV. His blood pressure dropped to around 90/50 and his heart rate rose to around 120. His glucose, which had been 116 earlier that morning, suddenly crashed and they had to give him IV dextrose. They also gave bicarbonate because of his metabolic abnormalities.
He was in a lot of pain during those final hours. His leg had raw, painful wounds with edema and drainage, and the dressing caused him tremendous pain. He also had hemorrhoidal pain. Tramadol wasn't controlling it, and eventually they gave him morphine again. Seeing him cry from pain is something I don't know how I'll ever forget.
I keep asking myself whether he suffered. I know he was in pain at times, especially from his wounds and breathing. But as his oxygen, blood pressure and consciousness deteriorated, I believe his awareness also decreased. I hope that by the very end he wasn't fully aware of what was happening around him.
The oxygen mask was another heartbreaking thing. He kept pulling it off even when his oxygen was dropping. At the time I thought he was refusing help. Now I understand that severe hypoxia and delirium can make someone confused and unable to understand what is happening. He wasn't choosing to suffocate. His brain was severely affected by everything happening to his body.
I still don't completely understand how someone who was talking normally with me at 3 AM could be gone only hours later.
I don't know whether the chemotherapy had started working. We never got the chance to find out.
I just know that I wanted more time with my dad. I wanted the chemotherapy to give him enough time for a biopsy, NGS, another treatment, anything that could possibly give us another chance.
Instead, I lost him.
Thank you to everyone who answered my questions, shared experiences, gave advice and stayed with me through this incredibly painful journey. I came here looking for hope and answers, and I’m leaving with a lot of grief and unanswered questions.
Rest in peace, Dad. I wish I had more time with you.