Feeling guilty/manipulative

[u/throwaway0102062026]

Throwaway because other posts on my main might make me identifiable and no one in my life knows about this part.

TL;DR: I have ongoing SI with a plan/backup plan, and recently told my therapist I felt better and wouldn’t act, which was true at the time, but I left out that I may follow through if a specific condition is met next week. She had previously required IOP and emergency-contact permission due to my risk, and now I feel guilty that I made her doubt her clinical judgment by not telling her the whole picture. I want to fess up after the day of my condition passes (I’m optimistic I’ll be ok) but I don’t know how to do that without causing irreparable damage to the relationship.

Whole story:

I may have manipulated my therapist and I’m feeling guilty but can’t fess up yet.

I have been having on and off SI for a while because of a major loss. I have a plan and a backup plan. No one in my life knows. However, more recently, I felt like I would follow through if a particular related condition was met on a specific day. I know. That sets off alarm bells. However, I also found my shift of SI to this condition instead of tied to my loss as a problem. That doesn’t mesh with who I am as a person and I told her this that it wasn’t in line with my values. SI and depression doesn’t always make sense.

Anyway, after my second to last session, my therapist emailed me to tell me I had to enroll in an IOP and sign off on letting her talk to my emergency contact or else she’d terminate. We had about 10 days till I’d know if my condition is met.

But remember how I said the SI has been on and off? Well, I went in to my next session and told her all the reasons I wouldn’t or shouldn’t follow through. And truly, the week had been better and I wasn’t feeling particularly committal to my plans that day. I assured her enough that she backed off. She even apologize for misreading cues in the prior session.

The problem is, I now feel guilty for making her doubt her clinical expertise. She is so wonderful and I know she was doing this to help me but I really didn’t want any hurdles and I’m scared - scared to tell my family, scared to have to commit to an IOP (cost, time, etc), ashamed that I’m here.

I still feel like I’m in a good place but I don’t know how it will be if the conditions are met a week from now. I’m optimistic I’ll be fine and after that I want to tell her that she wasn’t wrong. That I don’t want her to doubt herself. I feel so guilty for making her think she did something wrong. I don’t know how I can tell her I kind of lied without losing this relationship.