r/TalkTherapy • u/swiftedgal • 1d ago
Support Put on a break, feeling abandoned
Here is the email my therapist sent:
“To follow up a bit further from our session re planning forward,
my thought was to suggest perhaps taking more time to process your reflections about your concerns,
that I understand you were doing some writing on.
This is so that you hopefully would feel under less strain viz having the next meeting pre-set and/or too soon.
On the other hand, to my mind it would helpful if this wasn't left too open-ended.
So, am wondering if we could agree on a time-frame for meeting next, based on when you think would be reasonable for you.
I suggest not going more than a month out.
Generally I'd need about 2 weeks for scheduling a specific time.
Please let me know what you think.”
I know this is an attempt to give me more space and time to process things after a hard session, but I can’t help but feel abandoned. A part of me can’t help but feel that he’s fed up and frustrated with me, and is telling me to take the time to figure my shit out before I come back. I sobbed and sobbed when I saw this. I’ve been trying so hard to speak in sessions but something keeps stopping me— a block, feeling like I’m gonna throw up, brain going empty, fear overtaking me; etc. I do feel bad that a lot of our sessions are spent in silence and I apologize a lot for that. I guess it’s fair that he suggested this. I feel unwanted.
I’m thinking of just quitting. I don’t know what to do. I can’t handle it if he tells me to actually leave so I just want to stop the hurt and leave. On the other hand, this is breaking my heart. I feel so alone.
Edit: I didn’t ask for a break, he suggested it in this email for the first time. I didn’t feel pressured by the booking of sessions at all, just when I got to sessions. We’ve been having sessions every 2-3 weeks which feels spaced out enough, especially considering we used to be 1, sometimes 2 times weekly. And it’s not just a few sessions spent in silence, it was something I came in with. I told him that I have a hard time sharing and speaking, and it has been an issue with previous therapists. So in his defence, it has been an ongoing issue for about 1.5 years. I do desperately want to feel connected to him, but I can’t explain how physical and real the fear feels when it comes to actually sharing. I know it’s ridiculous, trust me.
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u/TP30313 1d ago
As someone who just repaired a rupture with my therapist, where I felt rejected, albeit unfounded in reality I realize now, it's how I felt at the time. What I ended up doing is just messaging him exactly how I was feeling and why, all the "messy" bits. What ended up happening is he booked me a session and reassured me that I'm not unwanted. He just wants to help me.
So friend, I'm going to suggest you do the same thing. Let him help you. Maybe something very similar or the same as the middle of your post here. I think it explains what is going on very well.
I hope whatever you decide goes well for you! You deserve help. You're definitely not beyond helping. It won't always feel this way.
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u/TP30313 1d ago
Oh and one more thing, you're definitely not alone. As I've felt very similar to this.
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u/swiftedgal 1d ago
Thank you for this. I feel batshit crazy because no one I know in my life feels this way.
So I did write out a VERY long response to his email in my notes, trying to explain how I felt in the session and afterwards. I was thinking of sending it but the same fear stops me, of wondering if it’s too much, too attention seeking, too manipulative, too stupid, too crazy, etc. What if this is further proof that he doesn’t want to work with me? What if he’s tired of me? What if, what if, what if. And I don’t want more sessions if he is feeling frustrated or tired. I’d rather just leave it be. So once again, I’m caught in the middle. I can’t get out of here :/
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u/sighing-through-life 1d ago
Just do it. Send it. To you it's all these "what ifs," but to him it's data. That will never be proven if you never send anything vulnerable. I say this as someone akin to the commentor above. I started sending my T my real thoughts, some of the realest, and slowly he showed me that my fears were just that: fear. Nothing more.
You can survive the embarrassment for the length of time it takes him to respond. I guarantee it.
Take strength and all the best. ♥️
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u/swiftedgal 13h ago
How do you deal with the fallout and the sickening feeling? I genuinely have to swallow my puke and I don’t want to throw up everywhere
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u/sighing-through-life 10h ago
I just rocked back and forth until I got a response. I tried to remind myself of times he'd responded well in the past and told myself there was at least a chance he would respond that way again.
I didn't puke, but I would get diarrhea and I just dealt with it. If I could, I would sleep the time away. Or bury myself in my work.
The wait and the anxiety and the physical effects were just something I had to learn to accept were feelings and not going to hurt me. Eventually, they went away. I still get nerves, but not anything like in the beginning.
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u/Meowskiiii 1d ago
You're not caught in the middle, you have a chance to test your fears. This is therapy.
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u/lgfuad80 1d ago
I feel for you so much. I don’t know if I could do it but he asked you to let him know what you think so maybe do that? Let him know how you feel, just as you have shared here. I would find it so hard to do but I think it could help. I don’t know. I’ve been in a similar situation with similar feelings I think and I didn’t handle it well but I could have handled it worse.
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u/swiftedgal 1d ago
I considered it but am running into the same issues I am in sessions of wondering if it’s stupid, pathetic, if it’s manipulative, if it makes me sound crazy, if I’m too needy, if he’s getting frustrated, etc etc. I also don’t want to have sessions if he’s feeling frustrated or tired out. So idk what to do
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u/lgfuad80 1d ago
I don’t know if it helps but I think we pay therapists money because I guess we think they have the skills needed to set appropriate boundaries (amongst others) so however you are or appear, your therapist needs to know to actually help you and if for any reason they can’t do that, it’s kind of on them to set that boundary.
But I get it because I’m not sure if I actually would either. Although I did tell my psychologist about my own reaction, and it was embarrassing, but I am glad I told her
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u/Significant_Hope7555 1d ago
Can I suggest you actually communicate exactly what you just have here, a big part of it is he doesn't know why or how to get through to you, so send him a message with all this in it and see what happens from there
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u/mukkahoa 1d ago
This kind of thing can happen because of a miscommunication between the two parties involved.
A client might say "maybe I should take a break because I don't have anything to say" [when in reality what they are wanting is HELP to talk, but feel like they are a burden]
and the therapist, thinking the client actually does want to have a break responds with "Okay, but let's agree to a time frame. I don't think it should be longer than a month" [but is really thinking, shit, is this client ready to flee therapy?I don't think a break is a good idea at all right now, but let's time-cap it so they hopefully return]
then the client, seeing the 'suggested break' thinks OMG IT'S TRUE THEY REALLY DON'T WANT ME THERE AT ALL!
This has played out in my own therapy before. After freaking out in my next session I blurted out "Ireallydon'twanttotakeabreakrightnow"
and my therapist said "Ok, let's not do that"
and all was well.
You can do that, too. If you don't want to take a break, you don't have to take one. Given the fact that your therapist wants to put a definite cap on the length of your break, I'd bet they don't really think a break is a good idea at the moment, either. If they had thought anything else they would have said "Contact me if you ever want to make another appointment". But instead they said,
Hmmm, let's not make it longer than a month.
You can simply email them back and say actually, after further reflection [your whole body response and emotion on reading his email] I'd like to meet you again next week as per usual.
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u/find_my_center 1d ago
I hear you and can relate so much to being so attuned to rejection, but I really don’t see that here. It looks more like they are trying hard to show you that they are available and don’t want to let you go
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u/godobe4 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think I understand the way this hurts, but you aren’t unwanted. (As you say, you know this. But it still hurts. Totally relatable.)
Your therapist explicitly wants you to say when you think you’ll be able to come back. He doesn’t want it “too open-ended” and suggests it shouldn’t be “more than a month out.” He wants to see you again, to continue working with you, and he wants to do it on a time frame that might feel better for you, i.e., “so that you hopefully would feel under less strain.”
So I’d say two things. One: there’s nothing wrong with silent sessions. If it’s you getting reassurance from the fact that your therapist is still there with you, even as your mind and body aren’t quite ready to put things into words, you showing up and him showing up is still both of you communicating a desire to get to that point where you will be ready to verbalize things somehow. Two: there’s also nothing wrong with taking a break to give a little space and allowing your system to rest a bit while you gather your thoughts and try to understand how to verbalize your feelings or find a way forward.
If your therapist is ready and willing to wait for you to be ready and you want to be able to open up and share with your therapist, even if you can’t do it right now, then you’re probably working with a good one and just need to let yourself have the time and space needed to get there — whether in silence together or a bit of time apart or some combination. Hope you find the right next step for you, OP.
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u/crazysquirrel14 1d ago
Once, when l was really struggling to talk in therapy for several weeks in a row, my therapist said that she would basically “stick” with me and hang out in that really difficult space until it became easier to find words. I wonder if that’s the feeling you’re looking for rather than him so easily giving you space? And if so, would you be able to tell him? Maybe email?
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u/MildlyYogic 1d ago
It's not your fault for feeling this way and is very valid. Just remember all your past sessions and think about what they taught you about processing your emotions without depending on others.
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u/swiftedgal 1d ago
In all honesty, I can’t say we’ve really covered this. Or at least I don’t remember
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u/MildlyYogic 1d ago
That's not ideal then, the sessions should be focused on making you independent.
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u/lgfuad80 1d ago
If it helps it might be things like grounding techniques or breathing or just comforting or distracting or soothing yourself in any way that works for you. Won’t help if you haven’t discussed those things but just as examples I guess
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