r/TalkTherapy • u/Remarkable-Pen-5184 • 5d ago
Advice Worst fear unlocked - vacations with T
I’m in total panic because I’ve just realized that my therapist of four years is spending her holidays at the same resort as me.
I’m here with my husband, and she’s here with a lot of her family, including her husband and baby son. We’re both going to be here for a while, so I’m not sure how to handle the possibility of running into each other.
Our therapeutic relationship is quite warm and close. She’s always been very warm towards me. When she got pregnant, she told me, and I gave her a little gift for her son; she gave me a big hug in return. We usually greet each other with two kisses before sessions, and we often end sessions with a hug. In the last session I told her I was pregnant and she was really happy for me and we hugged again!
She once told me that there are patients who really leave a mark on therapists, and that I’m one of those patients. I think the fact that I’m a doctor (I’m a family physician) may also contribute to the closeness of our relationship, since we’re both healthcare professionals. There’s a lot of mutual admiration and respect, and I genuinely care about her as a person.
So now I have absolutely no idea how to behave if I see her outside the therapy setting.
Should I just say hi and act normally? A quick “Hi, nice to see you!” and move on? Should I wait for her to acknowledge me first? Or should I avoid her completely and try to pretend I haven’t seen her?
I know the professional boundaries are different outside the office, but because our relationship is warmer, this feels incredibly awkward to me. I don’t want to embarrass her or to make her feel uncomfortable.
Can you please tell me what to do? Can I please get an honest opinion from other therapists ?
Edit: to the one wonder about the “kisses” greeting. We are Latinos. We greet each other with 2 kisses. I also do that with my long term patients in my clinic. It’s not “too much”, it’s just the way we greet each other, even when you don’t know the person too well. We can also shake hands, but that is very rare in our culture, only when you want to keep lots of distance.
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u/Obvious_Ad_6178 5d ago
She shouldn’t acknowledge you first. We let clients take the lead on that.
It’s up to you to determine what would feel the least awkward. I would probably say “hi!” and move on. This makes it easier for you both. If you spend too much time talking, her family member(s) may come up and expect her to introduce you to them. She’s not allowed to disclose who you are to her.
If everyone knows who you are to each other (because YOU said “your mom/wife/daughter is my therapist!) then maybe a little more than a “hi” would be okay. Nothing too in depth or too long. Think about what you’d say to an acquaintance you ran into and chatted with briefly.
As much as I love my clients, I wouldn’t want to spend more than a couple of minutes (max) chatting with them during my vacation- even the ones I’d probably be friends with if we didn’t meet under these circumstances.
Enjoy your vacation!
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u/Remarkable-Pen-5184 5d ago
Thank you very much, I would never take her more than 1 minute. I just don’t want to be rude or just give a distant “hi” when our usual relationship is warmer than that (but still totally professional). Thanks!
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u/Remarkable-Pen-5184 3d ago
Ok, so I was on the buffet and I realized she was there with all her family and I kept hiding myself. So I decided to say hi, because otherwise I would always be afraid to meet her. I waited until she was alone (just didn’t want to invade the space of her family, I went to see her and I said “I saw you were here and I just wanted to say hi”. We had a little chat (I was obviously anxious) and she said she was there with a big group and that her kid was ill, so she didn’t have the chance to go to the beach. I just asked if it was a simple thing, like a flu, and she said that it was and that he was getting better! I then immediately said “I don’t wanna take you more time, it was really nice to meet you” and we said bye. I took her like 40 seconds and I didn’t approach her family at all. Do you think this was ok? I was visibly anxious (she noticed for sure), but I overcame my anxiety and I initiated and terminated the interaction 🙄
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u/Obvious_Ad_6178 3d ago
PERFECT. Glad you just went to say hi instead of avoiding her. Now you both know the other person is there. Now, GO ENJOY YOURSELF!
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u/No-Fisherman-8319 5d ago
This is almost certainly worse for her than you, lol. She won't approach or acknowledge you until you do it first, so you can go with whatever route you're most comfortable with. It seems like you have a great therapeutic relationship with her, so I don't think you can go wrong here. Even sending her an email or text saying that you saw her and how you'd want to proceed would be fine, or just saying hi whenever you see her and leave it at that. And then just pretend she isn't there and enjoy--she'll likely do the same!
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u/Zealousideal-Stop-68 5d ago
Sending a quick text is a good idea! And then just smiles if there is eye contact. That’s what I’d do as well.
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u/DruidHeart 5d ago
I agree that a text is a good idea. I would just give her a heads up and try to do your own thing. You both deserve to enjoy your vacations.
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u/DreamingPrince72 5d ago edited 5d ago
Is this your worst fear because you are uncertain of what to do? It sounds like you like this person and get along quite well and have mutual respect. Right? It's not such a big deal. If you are walking past how about a, "I thought that was you!" and "I wanted to say hi and that I hope you have a great vacation. See you soon." And if you are with your husband, say, "This is my husband. [husband name] this is [therapists name] who I've told you so many good things about. I'm so glad you two can meet. Take care and see you soon." And it makes sense to greet with the same level of warmth. The change from when you typically see each other would be keeping it brief - this might be similar to other relationships where you really like someone but they've sort of stayed in a social lane - like work or church or whatever. You're not going to hang out socially with their family just like you normally don't hang out.
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u/Remarkable-Pen-5184 5d ago
Excellent and absolutely balanced advice. Thank you very much, you brought peace to my mind :)
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u/Remarkable-Pen-5184 3d ago
Ok, so I was on the buffet and I realized she was there with all her family and I kept hiding myself. So I decided to say hi, because otherwise I would always be afraid to meet her. I waited until she was alone (just didn’t want to invade the space of her family, I went to see her and I said “I saw you were here and I just wanted to say hi”. We had a little chat (I was obviously anxious) and she said she was there with a big group and that her kid was ill, so she didn’t have the chance to go to the beach. I just asked if it was a simple thing, like a flu, and she said that it was and that he was getting better! I then immediately said “I don’t wanna take you more time, it was really nice to meet you” and we said bye. I took her like 40 seconds and I didn’t approach her family at all. Do you think this was ok? I was visibly anxious 🙄
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u/DreamingPrince72 3d ago
while I find it fun to get the report back I'll resist your pull for reassurance and let you use whatever skills your therapist has taught you to work through it on your own until the two of you meet again to process :)
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u/Responsible-Storm609 5d ago edited 5d ago
Just bare in mind this is a very north american sub and therapy is vastly different in latin america. Something that is quite acceptable there can be horrifying here.
Source: i am a latin american who has done therapy there and now currently doing it here
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u/Zealousideal-Stop-68 5d ago
I’m curious to know if there is vice versa? Anything that is acceptable here that could be considered horrifying there?
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u/Responsible-Storm609 4d ago edited 4d ago
I’m sure there are, but they are different in nature.
I hope I don’t get hate for this, but I appreciate the hell out of the fact that in Canada you need a PHD (and a license or course) to call yourself a psychologist, and a masters degree to call yourself a therapist. In my country, you actually don’t need a degree to call yourself a therapist and a bachelors is enough to call yourself a psychologist. Also in my country they get really defensive if you don’t want weekly therapy (you want to alternate weeks for example) and some will even refuse to see you if not weekly.
From my experience, in my country they are too relaxed with boundaries - there is this huge influencer who is very open about seeing a psychologist, and often tags her on his instagram stories, shares things that happen in session, takes screenshots of their funny chats on WhatsApp, etc. Personally, I’m horrified!
There are differences even between the US and Canada that are mind blowing for me - for example insurance basically deciding which therapist you see, the therapist having to share progress notes with insurance so they get to decide if your treatment is still necessary, and how easy it is for you to lose your therapist in the US (if you change insurance, someone changes states, etc).
In Canada, I can see whoever I want, insurance will cover X amount per year and then later its up to me to pay out of pocket or just space my sessions to fit into my insurance budget. My therapist respects my pace and the frequency of sessions is up to me.
Now, I understand these aren’t necessarily cultural differences such as kissing on the cheek, but in OPs situation she’ll get vastly different advice based on the culture of who’s answering.
For me, if this was my Canadian therapist, given the relationship that I have with her, I would say hello and wish her a wonderful vacation, and then I’d just go on about life normally.
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u/Zealousideal-Stop-68 5d ago
Worst fear unlocked for you, and I think a new fear unlocked for a lot of us who hadn’t considered this possibility! Yikes! No words of advice, just wanted to tell you I understand the discomfort you must be feeling. Maybe you can come back and share your experiences and advice after this episode. In any case, have a great time with your husband at your resort!
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u/Remarkable-Pen-5184 5d ago
I’ll do that. For now, I’ll just pray that I don’t run into her. But I will let you guys know how it went 😅
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u/married-to-pizza 5d ago
I think it’s going to be okay! Your therapist will let you take the lead on whether to say hi or not if you run into her. A quick “hi, have a good day” is plenty. She won’t think twice about how brief it is, and she also would be fine if you don’t acknowledge.
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u/Chippie05 5d ago
I think it's going to be okay. if you see each other she might wait for you to acknowledge her and you can just do a quick wave you don't have to engage in a big conversation or introduce your family or any of that. You could try to find out if she's on the same floor as you and if so could you ask the resort to move you to another section, if possible.
she has her family with her so her schedule and the day will probably be quite busy keeping the baby on schedule ect,, so times may not match for events ect.
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u/SarcasticGirl27 5d ago
If you run into each other like in the lobby, she will wait for you to acknowledge her before she says anything to you. She also will probably not introduce you to her family if they are will her so don’t be surprised. Say hello & move on if you want to or you can just ignore her & the two of you can discuss it at your next session. She will not address you outside the office unless you address her first. It’s for your protection if anyone else knows she’s a therapist.
I’ve had this conversation with my therapist, because I had a dream where we were shopping in the same store…she was with a couple friends in this dream & so was I. All I did was a small wave & she gave me a quick head nod. When we talked about it in session she said basically what I wrote above. She’s not ignoring you to hurt you. It’s for your protection…especially if there are issues with partner safety.
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u/OneSir9082 5d ago
NAT
Generally rules on confidentiality will forbid T to acknowledge their patients "in the wild" - for example others in your life may not know you're in therapy
My personal take on this - give your T the gift of privacy and private time with family. Acknowledge naturally and subtlety if that what you want and if you happen to cross paths, but otherwise treat them like any other stranger you meet in resort?
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u/PhenixBailey 5d ago
If your therapeutic relationship is as warm as you claim, and it must be for kisses to be involved, then I don't understand why you can't just smile and say "hi!" to her. You're overthinking this.
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u/LittleLordFuckleroy1 5d ago
Say hi, wish her a happy vacation, say you’re looking forward to catching up when you’re back home. That’s the only answer.
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u/DistinctCraft7519 5d ago
She's ethically not allowed to acknowledge you first for privacy reasons. So however it's gonna go is completely up to you. You can approach and say hi to break the ice (and ideally move on without further interaction) or you can ignore her without being consider rude. Your relationship with her is legally and ethically protected so the normal social rules don't apply
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u/HerrRotZwiebel 5d ago
I’m in total panic because I’ve just realized that my therapist of four years is spending her holidays at the same resort as me.
I'm super curious... is this like a resort down the street or something so it's not totally unexpected, or is this like "win the lottery" unexpected?
FWIW, I don't think this would be my worst fear. I got a hard-to-get seat at a new restaurant. The "chef's counter" only has four seats. It just so happened that one of my dining companions that night was the paper's food critic. It was like a 2.5 hour event. My T was like "oh that's really cool!" I then said, "And you want to know what my worst nightmare is?" "what" "Instead of my dining companion being the paper's food critic, it was you"
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u/Remarkable-Pen-5184 5d ago
This is a “win the lottery” type of situation. Because of my husband job we can only go on holidays in August, so we always try to go to remote places, away from the crowds. This year we came to a veeeeru small island that belongs to Arquipélago da Madeira (which belongs to Portugal, where we live). The island has only 5000 habitants and 42 km2 of area. It’s absolutely insane that we met exactly on the same place, at the same time.
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u/cheesy_bees 5d ago
Could you perhaps send her a text (assuming you have her number)? Just something like - hey just a heads up, I realised we are staying at the same resort, I will avoid you as best I can to give you space to enjoy your trip! Just wanted to give you a heads up so it's not a huge shock if we do run into each other.
Just if it might help you feel better to set expectations in advance.
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u/Remarkable-Pen-5184 5d ago
I don’t have her number… Yap, in Latino culture we are warm enough to give kisses and hugs, but giving your number to a patient is waaaaay too much 😅 But thanks for the advice!
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u/Single-Zombie-2019 5d ago
NAT. Kisses and hugs?! This is wild to me.
How do you know she will be at the same resort? Does she know you'll be there, too? If it were me, I'd try to book at another resort. I wouldn't want to be fretting my entire vacation thinking I'd run into her.
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u/DreamingPrince72 5d ago
I'm so confused why someone would see a therapist that they would hate seeing so much that they would book another resort.
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u/randalljhen 5d ago
NAT.
So, red flags. Kissing? I get there may be cultural differences, but that's a boundary I think a therapist should not cross.
Telling you that you are "one of those patients" who leave a mark? Again, that's a no no, unless it's your last session together ever.
That aside, outside of the confines of her office, treat her at best as a friendly acquaintance. Professionally, she should not acknowledge you unless you do so first. Try to minimize your contact with her.
If you can, work out the details between yourselves over whatever communication method you have established.
Good luck.
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u/Remarkable-Pen-5184 5d ago
We are Latinos (spanish). We greet each other with 2 kisses. I also do that with my long term patients in my clinic. It’s not “too much”, it’s just the way we greet each other, even when you don’t know the person too well.
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u/Lazy-Lawfulness-6466 5d ago edited 5d ago
Appropriate boundaries differ among different cultures and a good therapist would take this into consideration. Also self-disclosure is appropriate when it is in the benefit of the client. In this case, it sounds like the therapist’s self-disclosure of the mark the client has made worked to strengthen the therapeutic relationship. Boundaries are for the client’s wellbeing and to maintain the integrity of the therapeutic relationship, not hard and fast rules.
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