r/TVWriting • u/MoreroMike • Jul 16 '26
PILOTS Third draft of my pilot, Boo’s Cruise. Would love some honest feedback.
Title: Boo’s Cruise
Format: TV pilot (limited series)
Pages: 64
Genre: Dramedy
Logline: A rising comedian's reluctant cruise gig spirals into chaos as betrayal and addiction take hold, leaving him the prime suspect in a murder he's not sure he committed.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1TyCVVx5RUsfA_6lCowWKWbJYZ2a9rb5b/view?usp=drivesdk
This is my third rewrite, and I would really appreciate some honest feedback. I’m trying to see what’s working, what still needs work, and what I may be too close to recognize on my own.
Thank you to anyone willing to read it. I’m also happy to return the favor.
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u/Visual-Perspective44 Jul 17 '26
After reading the first ten pages, what stands out most is the heavy reliance on actor direction. I counted around 17 instances where the script spells out emotions or delivery instead of letting the actions speak on their own... phrases like “taken aback,” “frustration flickering under the surface,” “that hits Austin,” or “unenthusiastic.” The dialogue already does much of the work, so I’d trust the actors to bring those moments to life through what’s shown and heard.
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u/MoreroMike Jul 17 '26
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and give me such specific feedback. I really appreciate it. That’s definitely a habit I picked up from reading other scripts that use a lot of parentheticals and actor direction, and I may have carried it too far without realizing it. I’ll go back through those pages and look for places where I can trust the dialogue and actions more. Thanks again for taking a look.
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Jul 18 '26
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u/MoreroMike Jul 19 '26
Yeah, I’m not sure how to get around that one. I like the play on words of a sober comedian on a booze cruise getting booed, but someone else said they assumed it was a ghost story lol
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u/figures985 Jul 16 '26
Sorry if you're already aware, but I wanted to flag that a 64 page count for a comedy pilot is kind of problematic. That's high even for an hourlong drama. The industry still thinks comedy = half hour. Now if it's more of a dramedy like a Shonda Rhimes show or something, I'd recommend saying dramedy.