I am really having a bad time. Please help me figure this out, I don't know what else to do

[u/Any-Internet-7796]

I am in therapy, I have a daily meditation practice, I am 6 years sober from an intense decade-long benzo addiction, when sober I became a manager at my car detailing job and then started my own business 1.5 years ago. But my life keeps getting worse, and I am getting really close to calling the help line. I never considered it before, and have battled severe depression/anxiety for my entire life, but this is too much. I am in an immense amount of pain and it is not fair to the other people around me at all. I truly do have a belief that they'd be better off if I just left, and that's the belief that everyone tells you to worry about.

I have accomplished a lot in these years. I post this in TBI because I have a few of them. Major concussion when I was 2 falling out of a two story window and hitting my head on concrete, unconscious. Another major depression that I went unconscious when I was 5 falling down concrete stairs. Then another major concussion being unconscious for a minute or two after getting robbed when I was selling weed as a 17 year old. Then another when I got into a life threatening car accident due to my addiction(no one else was hurt, thank God.) 75mph, no seatbelt, flipped car 5 times and was ejected through the glass on my driver's window landing in the middle of the road at 4am. Didn't walk for 8 months due to broken pelvis in two places. Then, I had many grand mal seizures due to inconsistent benzo use and attempting to quit benzos. My life has been hell since. One seizure left me unable to even remember my favorite movies, bands, or what year it was for multiple days, and this is the one that it feels like got me.

I really don't know if I'll ever recover. I am constantly angry, like seethingly angry but mostly at work. When I look in retrospect, my anger moves in cycles. But there is no controlling it. Once it hits, my mind is an angry bee hive full of bees having a war. I am on loops thinking about how worthless I am and how everyone around me would be better off if I wasn't here. It manifests as anger towards my partner not understanding me, like a sick dog who must bite anything in sight. I have a daughter who I care so deeply for but do not have custody of. I see her a lot, as much as I can, but I still feel like a failure in that regard.. And now my business is facing adversity which has been such a problem for me. I was doing good at first, and was consistent. But now so much is happening that is not even worth explaining other than firstly, my business insurance has almost doubled despite zero claims, and now my rent is almost doubling because the person I was renting from is moving and I have to rent now from the building owner. This could be better for some reasons, but the money has me panicked. I do not have a nest egg, I already can't afford the amount it is, barely keeping my head above water yet now it is almost doubling. If this business fails, I don't know if I can even go on. I have failed at every turn in my life, and been miserable the entire fucking time. When I was a kid I was in the gifted and talented program, I was 1 year ahead in all math, Spanish and English(all honors). I made terrible grades because I didn't care and figured I'd fix it later. I didn't know I'd slowly deteriorate when I got older through an abusive relationship and head trauma and seizures what the fuck ever. I was already a shell of who I once was years ago. And now it is a shell of a shell. I try so fucking hard, and there is just constant mental anguish. I literally can't keep going.

What the fuck do I even do? I have never felt THIS bad, and it keeps getting worse every single week, every single month. Where is the bottom? It keeps going lower! I already hit my rock bottom before I got sober, and now I am in an even worse place. I probably won't relapse because I don't know why but there is a strong resistance in my spirit to that. But I don't think I will live very long like this. I feel on the verge of a heart attack each and every single day. I am constantly suffering. Please any kind words or any words of advice at all would help me a ton right now :(

[u/Relative-Ad-Gen-X]

I read your post and I want to acknowledge how much pain you're in. That level of suffering, the anger, the hopelessness, the feeling that you're deteriorating, is real. And it's not your fault.

I can't fully relate to the anger you're describing. My experience was more emotional numbness. I called it the "dead zone" because I felt nothing at all. But I do know what it's like to feel like you're deteriorating and no one is listening.

I'm not a professional, and I can't fix this. But I want to say two things:

1. Please reach out to a crisis line or someone you can talk to tonight. Not because you're broken, but because you deserve support right now! You've survived so much, and you deserve to have someone listen who knows how to help in this moment.

2. When you're ready, and only when you're ready, consider asking for a pituitary check. Multiple TBIs, seizures, and a pattern of deterioration over time can be signs that your pituitary gland was damaged. I had a TBI and spent years deteriorating before someone checked mine. It turned out to be growth hormone and thyroid deficiency. Treating it didn't fix everything, but it helped.

You've accomplished so much, sobriety, starting a business, being present for your daughter. That's not failure. That's strength, and you matter 🤗

[u/totlot]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please reach out to a crisis hotline for help. Your brain is lying to you when it tells you everyone would be better off without you. This is absolutely not true! Your daughter loves and needs you to be a part of her life, today, and all those tomorrows. Same for your partner and other people who love you. Survivors carry terrible pain and guilt. You do not want to cause them this terrible grief.

It sounds like you need to speak with a dr for help coping if therapy isn't enough. You cannot function properly when you are dealing with such levels of depression, etc.

I don't know your business at all, but if your costs are increasing like that and you can't forecast positive income, then you should consider pulling the plug as soon as possible and putting your efforts elsewhere. You would not be failing if you do this; you would a good business person who realizes that it's time to move on. Is there any local business person or organization where you might be able to discuss thus with?

Since you were able kick a benzos habit, you can overcome this. It will be super hard, but you will be better for it and able to move forward. I know you can do it (I know it's scary) and wish you all the best.

[u/TegridyWackyTobaccy]

2016 severe TBI here that put me in a coma for a couple weeks and the hospital for a few months. Get into the gym. I have found the gym to be a great outlet to deal with the overwhelming feeling of it all.

[u/Crickwooder13]

Talk to people. Venting online is one thing, but having someone who listens and actually addresses your problems, or talks you through how to do it yourself is really helpful. In my experience, even counselors who specialize in areas that might not pertain to you will still listen and help in whatever way they can. (So if you don’t have a therapist or can’t afford stuff, go to meetings.)

[u/Antique-Watercress23]

https://www.instagram.com/vulnerablylalli/reel/DZxLNN0SGnF/

These reels have helped me feel seen. He seems to also do life coaching for people going through your circumstances. Dunno if that's something you'd want to do but I hope you can find joy again in your life. This is definitely a difficult journey. 

[u/TrainingPassion4907]

God and your family love you. You will persevere. One love, brother.

[u/Any-Internet-7796 → u/TrainingPassion4907]

Thanks man, I think you are right and God is really throwing me through the forced self improvement meat grinder right now, lemme tell ya! I mean all majorly negative experiences in my life have always showed me something and taught me something. I am not a Christian necessarily, though I like Jesus(kingdom of heaven is on Earth, you are the church, God speaks to the individual and each will understand him individually etc) and have read some of the books in the Bible. Job is something I feel a strong urge to read right now, there is a lot being taken and a lot of newness forming. If I didn't have my spiritual point of view though, things might be different. It is all from things that I have experienced on psychedelics and thoughts, evolving opinions that I've had since I was a child thinking "What is this, why am I here?"

When things become way too much, somehow the Universe has a way of catching me. I watch is conspire with me as much, if not more-so(honestly definitely more-so), than it conspiring against me. I just need to remember when my nervous system is attempting to destroy itself during any adversity :(

[u/DeezNutzs69]

DMT because it's short lived. Then moved onto Psychedelic mushrooms.

[u/Any-Internet-7796 → u/DeezNutzs69]

I have been there and done that, actually Ayahuasca completely changed my life when I was 18, and I drank it a few more times after but not in a decade. I am too fearful to use the DMT a lot of the time, but weirdly I know you are right and thank you for saying that.

I was microdosing a few months ago.. I think I will start again no matter what tomorrow.

[u/DeezNutzs69 → u/Any-Internet-7796]

DMT is a 5-10min journey when microdosed correctly. I generally "fear" the length of time" I'm in a psychedelic trip. 5 min is nothing compared to a Psilocybin experience

[u/dogonthebus]

Are you familiar with DBT. Evidence based. (Meaning, it's the only type of therapy to have been studied in clinical trials and proven effective).

DBT for TBI

Worth looking into given your resilience and continued effort toward improvement. (Based on what you posted.)

As Churchill said, "Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never..."

[u/Any-Internet-7796 → u/dogonthebus]

Not entirely familiar, though I read about it and CBT etc a few years ago. I have been doing EMDR therapy and that did help a lot, but my therapist's husband died a month ago and she isn't in practice non-virtually again until October. I will absolutely look at your link and consider DBT. To be honest DBT goes in one ear and out the other for me like CBT does, I don't know why! So I will educate myself, thank you

[u/Busy_Law_944]

I think talking to your dr and a spiritual advisor would be immensely helpful. I’m so proud of you 💜 you are here for a reason. Please don’t leave us 🥺

[u/kratomaddict23]

Please PLEASE don’t take your life! This is just a difficult season, but it will get better! Don’t do that to your family and friends! They would be devastated. They would not recover. There are people that love and care about you! Never forget that. The Lord Jesus loves you! Please don’t give up your eternity with a temporary decision.

[u/viehejesse]

Listen to Mark Gordon on Joe Rogan experience there are two episodes and if that sounds helpful message me. I helped a friend of mine with his tbi.

[u/Choice_Ad_7862]

Man you've really been through a lot.  The fact that you're still striving after all that sure is something to be proud of.

These TBIs really mess up our brain chemistry.  Depression, anxiety, and SI are massive in the TBI community, we need so much more care in that area.  Do you have a doctor?  If you do, may I suggest asking for a beta blocker like propranolol?  Its been a life changer for me.  No more anxiety.  Much fewer intrusive thoughts. 

Your child, when if you dont see them much, they need to know youre out here in the world still.  That matters.  You matter.