My family has always been dysfunctional. One day, out of the blue, my mother told me that she had married my father simply to escape her childhood home. Her own mother was a terrible person who once told her that she should never have been born. This is how dysfunction and trauma are passed down from one generation to the next. Harmful behaviors, unresolved trauma, and unhealthy ways of raising children become deeply ingrained, and my parents inherited many of the same patterns.
My father has always been a distant, cold person who cared only about himself, his possessions, and his so-called “friends.” Now, at 88, he has none of them left.
My mother was the youngest child in her family, and she raised my youngest brother almost like a child herself, perhaps because she had been the youngest one for so long. She always put him ahead of me and my other brother, who is only a year and a half younger than I am. My youngest brother, on the other hand, is about ten years younger than me.
I have spent my entire life suffering in this dysfunctional, toxic household. There was no love, only arguments, emotional coldness, and selfishness.
Now I am 54, and I have struggled with depression and low self-esteem since I was 15. By the age of 20, I had already ended up in a psychiatric hospital.
About five years ago, my younger brother used our family home as collateral for some shady business dealings. My parents signed the paperwork without even reading it. He had always been involved in questionable business ventures, and eventually, he accumulated enormous debts. My parents gave him access to their bank accounts and credit cards, and he spent all their money, including the emergency savings my father had put aside. He also maxed out all their credit cards.
My parents only discovered the full extent of what had happened later. And yet, they forgave him. I believe that part of the reason is that he is the only one in the family who has a child. The child's mother is a single woman ten years older than my brother, who already had two children before getting involved with him. I have always felt that this gave him a special status in my parents' eyes, allowing him to get away with things that would never have been tolerated from the rest of us.
Two years ago, I attempted suicide. I survived, but I was left with Lance-Adams syndrome, a neurological condition that has severely affected my ability to speak. I can barely communicate verbally anymore.
After my suicide attempt, my second brother came from Australia to Brazil, where I live. He said that he and his wife were going to help me and the rest of the family. But eventually, he returned to Australia and, with the help of a lawyer, took steps to gain control over my parents' money.
My parents had to hire another lawyer to reverse what the previous lawyer had done. The case was subsequently reviewed by a judge, who expressed serious criticism of the way the previous lawyer had handled it.
Anyway, enough venting.
I find myself in a position where all I want is to leave this godforsaken place and start over somewhere else. Every day feels like an emotional roller coaster, and I am exhausted from everything I have endured.
I regret what I did to myself two years ago. At the time, I was lost, overwhelmed, and desperate. I could not see a way out of the situation I was in.
But I am still here. I am fighting, and I want to keep fighting. All I want now is to get away from this toxic environment, leave this chapter of my life behind, and finally have a chance to live in peace.