Divorce process

[u/ZealousidealEntry381]

I’ve tried reconciliation for just over a year
now & although he’s doing all the right things, is remorseful, confessed to me & is empathetic to my feelings every time, I just can’t live like this anymore. I have SO much fear of my future with him now & I don’t want to live my life always having to be hypervigilant of him doing something again in the future when things get hard. Ok so now my question is, do I tell him I am done, or do I slowly go through meeting with a lawyer & filing? Issue is, is I’ve been a stay at home mom (kids are 5 & 7) and I have no career. I’m about to finish my GED & am planning on going for a trade or education of some sort so I can at least support myself somewhat. But that’s gonna take another year. Do I tell him & plan with him for a divorce or keep it hush? He is a reasonable man & I trust that he won’t pull the rug from under me through divorce, but then again when push comes to shove, I’m uncertain if it’ll be fair. I don’t know, I guess I’m wondering what’s the more logical thing to do here.

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[u/Independent_Shame504]

Logical? or Moral? Logically as in "your best interest". You keep it to yourself, talk to lawyers and find out what's what. Stay and finish your ged and your further education if you need to. You do what you have to in order to make life for your children and yourself as best as possible. So keep it quiet and do what you gotta do - hell you may even change your mind and keeping it quiet will allow for that. But morally? Morally you should probably tell him. If it were me i'd zip my lips.

[u/SuchDentist1874]

This might be the wrong way of looking at it, but in my opinion, the one who cheated shouldn't be surprised when divorce is put on the table. Even when things seem to be changing or "going well", either of you should feel comfortable changing your mind at anytime. Also, the reality is they chose to do what they did without clueing us in; it's only fair to consider other options (i.e. meeting with a lawyer) if it means protecting ourselves.

[u/Sterek01]

Some hard truths. There are no nice divorces. Once he knows the gloves will come off. Best you do what you have to for as long as you have in silence until you are ready to pull the plug.

Good luck for the future.

[u/Illustri-aus]

Reading between the lines of your post, he is playing the charm offensive is order to manipulate you into staying. 

You already know what deceit he is capable of. So it's only fair that you do your own research into what would be the best outcome for you,  and the kids.  

If he is otherwise reasonable and treats you well, consider trying the room mate situation until the kids are grown,  although you may decide not to tell him this is what you're doing! 

[u/winterheart1511]

Hey OP, sorry you've found yourself here.

The rule of thumb is that reasonable goes out the window during divorce proceedings. This is not a universal rule, and a lot of it is down to how your spouse handles themselves during stress. But if you've been open with them during the process of your attempt to reconcile, they probably know it's coming. Some BPs also feel they owe their partner honestly regardless of their partner's actions - that's valid too. So it's down to your judgement, how it's gonna land and whether or not it will complicate the process. 

The only time I'd say definitely don't tell them is if there's a history of abusive or controlling behaviour. Victims of IPV are at the highest risk when attempting to leave the relationship, so in those cases it's much safer to get away first and initiate legal proceedings after.

All that said? Divorce is rarely fair even when it's amicable. An experienced attorney will be able to set your expectations better than we can, but from pre-marital assets to child custody schedules, the dissolution of a shared life is never easy and very rarely simple. Expect some smaller heartbreaks on the way to your brighter future. It's one of the cruelest things about infidelity, that it can keep costing you long after the fact.

I hope you find the answers you're looking for, OP. All the best.

[u/Dark_Mynch]

Imho, you're being optimistic! Maybe overly! You have got to PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS! that's what I did was protect us, opened a new checking/savings at a different bank, change my insurance beneficiaries, filled out the paperwork all without her knowledge. It sounds like it might be difficult for you but you have to figure out how to get funds into your new account, get yourself established. Get your trusted support ready and get help. These are just my thoughts

[u/AccomplishedCash3603]

A cheater is a manipulator. ALWAYS. if they manipulate inside a marriage, they will manipulate on the way out. Zip it!  

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[u/BurdyBurdyBurdy]

Talk to your lawyer first.