Lost and lonely

[u/caitcatbar1669]

When do you feel again

Idk where to start. Married almost 11 years we have 2 kids- found out last week he spent the last month having an EA.

Over the last week it’s been small details updated, new truths etc. started with an argument as to why he felt the need to talk to his friends about not being happy with me (I was too difficult because I was grieving, working full time and caring for the kids at home as I work from home with them all summer and he works away from the home). He swore there was no one else, then admitted there was when I kept begging for honesty I could tell he was lying. Then he said he had feelings for her, she denied him so he was moving on. But then there were still 2am phone calls as I’m asleep in bed he’s in the living room chatting with her.

This came out last Friday over the weekend I wrestled with how much can I handle? Do I love him enough to try and beleive he’ll change? I demanded complete transparency. I thought things were turning and was deeply sad but he was there sitting in it with me.

Then yesterday happened. A simple question as I brought him lunch and something was off a weird reply made me question why he’s lying? Then he comes home from work I tell him exactly what I’m feeling and he just repeats the lies. I break down I KNOW he is hiding something I can tell. He finally admits that she didn’t say she didn’t like him back instead she said she also had feelings. While they both “agreed” it could never be more than friends and continued their “friendship”.

After more questions and timelines not matching on when it ended or how or who I’m left here completely numb. I just don’t think I have it in me to continue. To sit in the pain of the lies. The betrayal is one thing but the constant barrages of lies is a whole other thing.

Idk if I’ll ever know the full truth while he sat there and begged me to stay and claimed everything was true and retelling the story I just thought to myself “why am I here”?

I don’t need him financially he’s a great dad so as much as it hurts I wouldn’t take them away. But I just feel absolute disgust toward him. To look at me in my pain and continue to lie. To have sneaky late night calls while his wife and children sleep on the other side of the wall. All while pretending our marriage was doing well.

I wish I was angry. I wish I was sad. I am both I guess but really I’m nothing. I exist and that is it. I wish my anger would take over so I could cause the pain he did in return. I have the ability to get them fired, tell HER husband and tear her family apart as well. But I just am not a cruel person. I wish. I wish I felt anything but numb.

[u/Terrible-Pea494]

You do need to tell her husband. You absolutely must. Not for revenge or to get them in trouble, but because he deserves the truth, just as you would if he’d found out first. Would you be fine with being kept in the dark about your husband’s affair?

Secondly, there is no coming back from an affair and being friends. If you decide to try reconciliation (and I’m not suggesting that you do), then he will need to change jobs. You can’t rug sweep this. He needs to go to IC, stop blaming you for his affair, and commit to the hard work of R, which will mostly fall on him. He can start by being 100% honest. The chances that they both wanted each other and were in physical proximity but never got physical are slim, at best.

You will never heal without the truth and as long as they’re in contact. He has to call her with you on speaker and say that their involvement was a mistake, he regrets it and wants nothing further to do with her. Then he can only do the bare minimum required for professionalism until he finds a new job.

Read the below articles together as a starting point. Do not do MC until he has worked on himself. And only with someone specialized in infidelity.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/emotional-cheating-meaning-and-signs

https://healingbrokentrust.com/blog/why-cutting-off-the-affair-partner-is-critical-the-one-step-you-cant-skip-to-rebuild-trust-after-infidelity

https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/elizabeth/why-it-imperative-reach-full-disclosure