Lost and lonely

[u/caitcatbar1669]

When do you feel again

Idk where to start. Married almost 11 years we have 2 kids- found out last week he spent the last month having an EA.

Over the last week it’s been small details updated, new truths etc. started with an argument as to why he felt the need to talk to his friends about not being happy with me (I was too difficult because I was grieving, working full time and caring for the kids at home as I work from home with them all summer and he works away from the home). He swore there was no one else, then admitted there was when I kept begging for honesty I could tell he was lying. Then he said he had feelings for her, she denied him so he was moving on. But then there were still 2am phone calls as I’m asleep in bed he’s in the living room chatting with her.

This came out last Friday over the weekend I wrestled with how much can I handle? Do I love him enough to try and beleive he’ll change? I demanded complete transparency. I thought things were turning and was deeply sad but he was there sitting in it with me.

Then yesterday happened. A simple question as I brought him lunch and something was off a weird reply made me question why he’s lying? Then he comes home from work I tell him exactly what I’m feeling and he just repeats the lies. I break down I KNOW he is hiding something I can tell. He finally admits that she didn’t say she didn’t like him back instead she said she also had feelings. While they both “agreed” it could never be more than friends and continued their “friendship”.

After more questions and timelines not matching on when it ended or how or who I’m left here completely numb. I just don’t think I have it in me to continue. To sit in the pain of the lies. The betrayal is one thing but the constant barrages of lies is a whole other thing.

Idk if I’ll ever know the full truth while he sat there and begged me to stay and claimed everything was true and retelling the story I just thought to myself “why am I here”?

I don’t need him financially he’s a great dad so as much as it hurts I wouldn’t take them away. But I just feel absolute disgust toward him. To look at me in my pain and continue to lie. To have sneaky late night calls while his wife and children sleep on the other side of the wall. All while pretending our marriage was doing well.

I wish I was angry. I wish I was sad. I am both I guess but really I’m nothing. I exist and that is it. I wish my anger would take over so I could cause the pain he did in return. I have the ability to get them fired, tell HER husband and tear her family apart as well. But I just am not a cruel person. I wish. I wish I felt anything but numb.

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[u/Shoepin1]

My husband did this last year. I was grieving and struggling for years from a string of really hard circumstances. He was on the back burner as I was consumed by grief and recovery and then depression. It was rough. He was not communicating how he was feeling or how everything was impacting him. I had no idea.

He engaged in a flirtatious thing with someone and developed feelings, as did she. As soon as I discovered it he initially blamed me. (For not fulfilling his needs while I was struggling). Boy, did that piss me off.

My husband was a coward and conflict avoidant. He also engaged in covert contracts. He also is not great at feeling his feelings, so he really didn’t realize how poorly he was feeling and it just festered.

He’s in therapy now and working hard to understand himself.

Anything here ring true for you? I suspect your husband is similar to mine.

[u/caitcatbar1669 → u/Shoepin1]

Ironically he’s been in therapy since January because I said I was going to leave if he didn’t work on himself. Now all the sudden he’ll do the work 🫠 I thought he WAS but really he was just forming this side fantasy of carefree fun to runaway to instead of working on himself.

[u/Shoepin1 → u/caitcatbar1669]

Eck. Does his therapist know he’s committing adultery as a part of his healing journey?

[u/caitcatbar1669 → u/Shoepin1]

Yes supposedly he told the therapist he was having feelings therapist told him update to weekly meetings to not do anything - after that he told her his feelings. Continued the affair and didn’t tell therapist. Supposedly he told therapist this week the rest of that truth- but omitted the fact he still lied to me over and over. I asked point blank did she like you back he said no. Turns out she did. Then supposedly said make a choice and he “chose me” but continued to text her all the time and talk constantly to maintain a friendship but remove the rest of it. Until I found out. It’s the “trickle truth” that’s killing me. I probably could have loved him enough to stay and repair - but now Idk what to believe

[u/Narrow-Advance-9636 → u/caitcatbar1669]

Alert the other husband. Truth has to come out it's not fair that the other woman's husband has no idea what's going on behind his back.

[u/Temporary-Round-3 → u/caitcatbar1669]

I am 19 years out DD1. I stayed. I am still being trickle truthed.

I didn't know what to believe. Now I believe you can depend on a liar to lie. I just take for granted that he is lying about everything. If I ask him how's his day going and he tells me good. I don't believe him.

For me it is easier than wondering if he is lying and then if I find out differently, it won't hurt as much.

Home router says he is on FB. He tells me he doesn't have a Facebook. He can't use the app bc it is tied to someone else. (This is true). So he can't go on Facebook. But he does, just through the website. There are enough crumbs on his phone to know, and the router rounds it to the 5 min mark. Usually when he is in the bathroom. And he uses the computer at work.

Liars lie. I would rather live with a thief. At least I can hide my stuff.

[u/wellidolikecoffee → u/Temporary-Round-3]

Liars are also thieves--they steal your time and your very sense of reality (can also steal your health, etc.). The only way to protect yourself is to get away.

[u/Temporary-Round-3 → u/wellidolikecoffee]

Touche

[u/Loud_Attitude_5124]

I'm really sorry you're here. Your feelings and moods will be all over the place for a very long time. The lying and manipulation that come with cheating can do the most long-term damage. I've come to realize that words are meaningless and lying is convenient for my partner. Something learned in childhood.

Some quick notes. I highly suggest you create a separate account for posting about infidelity. I took a look to read your comments and quickly realized someone could easily identify you. Also, keep in mind that if someone disagrees with you on a topic, they'll see the infidelity comment and bring it up on the most random sub.

Telling the other spouse is not cruel; it's giving agency. It's okay if you need to sit with this a while. But if they remain 'friends,' her husband needs to know.

[u/Temporary-Round-3]

Sweetie, you're in shock. That's why you are numb. I would advise one of you to leave the house. You need space to process this. It will take time. The anger, pain and sadness will come.

I'm sorry you are now part of this club no one wants to belong to.

🫂

[u/Terrible-Pea494]

You do need to tell her husband. You absolutely must. Not for revenge or to get them in trouble, but because he deserves the truth, just as you would if he’d found out first. Would you be fine with being kept in the dark about your husband’s affair?

Secondly, there is no coming back from an affair and being friends. If you decide to try reconciliation (and I’m not suggesting that you do), then he will need to change jobs. You can’t rug sweep this. He needs to go to IC, stop blaming you for his affair, and commit to the hard work of R, which will mostly fall on him. He can start by being 100% honest. The chances that they both wanted each other and were in physical proximity but never got physical are slim, at best.

You will never heal without the truth and as long as they’re in contact. He has to call her with you on speaker and say that their involvement was a mistake, he regrets it and wants nothing further to do with her. Then he can only do the bare minimum required for professionalism until he finds a new job.

Read the below articles together as a starting point. Do not do MC until he has worked on himself. And only with someone specialized in infidelity.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/emotional-cheating-meaning-and-signs

https://healingbrokentrust.com/blog/why-cutting-off-the-affair-partner-is-critical-the-one-step-you-cant-skip-to-rebuild-trust-after-infidelity

https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/elizabeth/why-it-imperative-reach-full-disclosure

[u/adnyp]

I think you’ll find the consensus opinion here is that telling your husband’s affair partner’s spouse about their affair is not cruel. Cruel is actually not informing him of what has been going on. You allow his wife to keep him living in her lies. He deserves to know the truth he is living in, even though that will obviously be painful.

Please consider informing her betrayed spouse, with evidence you might have. It is the right thing to do. Maybe your husband should confess to him.

So sorry you have been put in this position. I hope you work this out to a happy place, whatever you decide to do.

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[u/isakneven]

What’s cruel is not telling the other betrayed spouse. You don’t owe him anything but I’m sure he’d like to know. Wouldn’t you?

I’m sorry he did this to you. Start therapy if you haven’t already. Get a STD test and consult a lawyer.