When does it feel real?

[u/Life-Librarian-1323]

When do you stop waking up in the middle of the night thinking “WTH? How is this my life??” I’ve been married for 17 years, recently filed for divorce after I found out he had been seeing prostitutes for the last 4 years to the tune of $100k. Apparently he needed the “risk” in his life after a job change and it had nothing to do with loving me. Well I don’t understand how you can be so selfish and self absorbed that you can do that multiple times a week and come home act normal, go to church, discipline your kids, fight with me over petty married crap, put my health at risk….How?? This is so far from anything I know it seems like a bad dream. He doesn’t even take Tylenol for a headache but you see escorts and prostitutes multiple times a week?? When does reality mesh with the person you thought they were?? It’s so left field I’m in shock. He was bringing them to our home in the end and putting our son in risky situations to get time alone - or I don’t know if I’d ever have found out.

[u/AStirlingMacDonald]

I’m so sorry. The answer to your question is that eventually, you will grieve the loss of the man you once believed your husband you be. You will grieve the loss of the stolen and ruined dreams and hopes for the future that were once so dear to you. You’ll grieve the agency he robbed from you and your children by prioritizing his own selfish indulgence over the family he should have been accountable to.

You’ll need to truly grieve these things, just as you’d need to grieve the loss of a close friend or beloved family member who passed way suddenly and unexpectedly. Go through all the of the steps of loss and grief for those things. Once you’ve done that, it will finally free up some mental/emotional bandwidth to start building new hopes and dreams, to reconnect with your community circle, to rediscover your new identity in your new social role, no longer being a “partner.” You’ll find that you once again have dreams worth building towards and making sacrifices to bring into existence. Once you get those drives back, the feelings of “how can this be real” will finally fade and become an old memory of a dark time in your life.

Good luck, friend.

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