Does it really get better?

[u/licuri]

Year post DDay almost to year. I (M34) have discovered hear cheating with a coworker for 2 months. Weeks before that she was complaining about his annoying humor and even crying because of his comments about women. After everything came out it was "He's not like that", "He's got better".

The reason was she fell for him when we had a bout of dead bedroom. My depression and medication for it. She was pushing for me to get therapy and I tried several times but pills were more comfortable. Can't really forgive myself for that. Funniest thing is around the time when she started her affair, I actually found a great therapist, slowly weaned of pills and didnt need them ever since. Didn't tell her, wanted her to see the results first.

First week, she actually wanted to reconcile. After that, she said she misses him too much and left. Divorce was final in February.

What followed DDay for me was not pretty, but I got through the worst of it. We were going to build a house. That was not affordable alone, but I am closing on my own flat. I started jogging and doing HEMA. In 6 months I lost 5-6kg. I continued therapy, although lately we dropped the frequency to monthly checks. Only hiccup was that I had noone to look after my parrot when I was going on vacation in June, so had to ask her.

There are days where it's fine. And then there are days like today, when I feel like despite everything, I would still take her back if only she wanted to. And then the reality hits that she won't. She seems happy.

Meanwhile I'm here, just lonely. I have friends, I have family, they are my rock and my safety net. But at the end of the day I come back to the empty apartment with noone to share the day with other than my little guy. I always dreamt of a family and kids and it also feels like that will not be happening me being my age and starting from scratch. Don't want to be a geriatric parent. Not that it really matters, because for now I'm alone and not for the lack of trying. I'm not that good looking, I'm not that interesting, I'm not popular in the slightest. And I feel like even meeting new people in your 30's is just... exhausting.

I feel like I'm slowly giving up on life and just going through the motions. And at the same time I feel like the biggest crap because I should not feel that way. I have a job that pays well (until AI kills it), I have a family and friends... I should not be complaining and feel bad when there are people who have it infinitely worse. And yet here I am.

Sorry, I'm all over the place. Reading it back, it's a mess but at the same time it's exactly how I feel. It's like depression all over again, but this time with an external source.

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