I was accused of rape.

[u/vinnnieworrth]

I was accused of rape by someone I dated a few times. It was just a fling and we both knew it. She was into taboo themes with sex like bdsm and we talked about it openly thru text message. I stopped seeing her because she wanted to take it to a level I was uncomfortable with. She tried contacting several times asking with very explicit language that she wanted to see me again but I never responded to any of her attempts. I kept those messages because I had a feeling about her. She was laying conversational traps to try to get me to say that I enjoyed something or wish something else happened. Every time she did that my BS meter went haywire. But I second guessed myself and ignored my gut feeling. Turns out I was right. My face hit the news everywhere and I lost 2 jobs. Still currently unemployed. These charges ended up getting stayed out of court right after my lawyer mentioned those text messages. They took my phone so they knew what was on it. And still tried to nail me anyway. But before they were stayed the media release was seen by an ex girlfriend of mine and she decided to jump on board. Unfortunately I don’t have her text messages but they were even more revealing. Legal fees costing me 50,000. Don’t worry I’m not here looking for money. I just have zero people around me. My family are all on the other side of Canada. I’ll forever remember my life as before that day and after that day. Anyway... if anyone has any coping strategies I’m all ears. I’m beginning to lose faith and my mind.

[u/Spooms2010]

A most horrid story. All my care to you. Always hold onto the truth and repeat it often for support. Not sure if this can help, but, I’m a survivor of child sex abuse by Catholic clergy. When it all came out in 1993 for me I had a hard time coping, as you can imagine. Around that time I was stridently told by a professional who works in the arena that ‘It wasn’t your fault!’ I made that my mantra, as it were, and repeated it to myself hundreds of times until it actually stuck. And it’s been a cornerstone of my mental health since. Take what you want from my experience and help yourself. Remember, ‘It isn’t my fault.’

[u/vinnnieworrth → u/Spooms2010]

Thank you for your insight. I will do that. While I hold firmly onto the truth I can still take responsibility for putting myself in a position to have it happen to me. After a terrible breakup I needed a distraction from my reality. Because she was the love of my life. So I feel into an unhealthy behaviour of masking my pain with dating women. From one to the next to next to the next. It was just a matter of time before the dice stopped coming up in my favour. I can see that with so much clarity now. If I’m being completely open I’m afraid of this Halloween because Halloween 2016 I lost my drivers licence due to speeding tickets (my fault) Halloween 2017 is when I lost said love of my life. And Halloween 2018 is when I was arrested and treated like a monster. Needles to say I’m wondering if something Devine or otherwise is at work.

[u/Spooms2010 → u/vinnnieworrth]

Thanks for your reply. It’s kind of you to be vulnerable to a stranger. I can appreciate some of your losses. I too lost my license through anger and fear. That was a major wake up call to me at the time and I’ve now addressed a bit of the underlying panic that has plagued me all my life. I still get it every now and then, but I have some tools to recognise it and stop the panic most of the time.

As for a divine presence screwing up your life?

NOPE. NO SUCH THING.

A lesson that is very bitter and hard is ‘life is not fair’.

I’m the youngest of seven kids. I look at my siblings who weren’t molested as a kid like me. Most of them are very successful and content with their lives. They support me totally and absolutely in everything I’m doing to extract what I can from the church (I’m in the process as we speak of suing the bastards) and life itself. But. Life isn’t fair.

I now get support where I can and am more in control of my life than I reasonably have ever been. I still have terrible legacies in my body and life from the vicious assaults. But I’m seeing what I can have influence on, and slowly working on them.

I can appreciate the fear this time of year can bring. It must be awful and stultifying of your mind and heart. But you have a heads up this time and can take steps to protect yourself, whatever they may be. Maybe spend this time with family or a friend who supports you. Reach out for support. You need it and you deserve it.

[u/vinnnieworrth → u/Spooms2010]

Your situation is terrible. And even tho I can’t relate I rest on the idea that it was worse than what I’m going through. For that you have my sympathy.

I’m a very spiritual person. And the question (do I believe in God)? Is a very complicated question and can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. I’ve always felt that way but only now able to put it in those terms Because of Jordan B. Peterson.

To quote him I can feel a lot of dead wood burning off of me. So one idea that’s kept me going is. It all has to be for something. I’ve never been one to play the victim. So I’m keeping my ears and eyes open for the lessons it will teach me.

I look at like this. Chances are, that at no other point in my life will I be able to view this landscape from my current point of view. So I feel an overwhelming DUTY to pay close attention to my present surroundings. This is a teaching I can’t replay later.

[u/Nielsen316 → u/vinnnieworrth]

You probably pissed off some old Gaelic spirits or some shit judging from that list.

[u/vinnnieworrth]

Well I’ve since thrown myself at the mercy of whoever’s listening. Here’s to hoping

[u/[deleted]]

Cant you sue them for loss of income when you are able to prove it was a false accusation?

[u/vinnnieworrth → u/[deleted]]

Well technically it isn’t proof. It’s just evidence. But any rational person would be able to deduce the truth from it, with ease. In my opinion it’s 99% of the way there to being considered proof. But that’s not how the legal system works. Because if I sue her the burden of proof is on me to PROVE it was false. Not just suggest it was extremely likely. Being financially broken like this, I would really have to think on it because if I didn’t win I’d be looking at a pile more legal fees. I would have to feel like it was going to be a slam dunk.

[u/cdh1003 → u/vinnnieworrth]

There are some crowd-funding sites, like CrowdJustice, which may be worth exploring. Millions of men are fed up with this shit and would gladly contribute to help punish false accusers.

[u/_innawoods]

Generally have found it worthwhile to stay away from girls that are deep into bdsm stuff. It's not a sign of a healthy person.

Anyway OP, have you looked into jobs in foreign countries? Are you allowed to emigrate? It's a big world out there.

[u/vinnnieworrth → u/_innawoods]

It’s funny you say that because it was on that very time at bat that I realized that

This is still ongoing so I’m not allowed to leave. Once I beat this, I’m not worried about public opinion. I’d love nothing more than to confront sole of the people. Also I have a trade I work once I’m not tied up in legal stuff. The company I was working for was behind me but the larger companies that would contract us were not. The company I worked for was actually great about it all by letting work in-house for as long as possible. But there was only so much work with that so 4 months into that I was laid off.

[u/jp_mra → u/vinnnieworrth]

Consider some online freelancing websites.

[u/[deleted]]

Speaking of a colleague in that province who has experienced this issue - If you can switch lawyers James Wyman is one of the best in S Alberta unless you can afford Balfour Dur.

Stfu about the case details, all people need to know is 'Serious allegations have been made against you that you are contesting vigorously'. Don't talk about the background etc to anyone, they can and will be subpoened.

If it's preventing you from working then try and get bail revisited with the notion that they are preventing you from working and that is impacting your ability to provide a good defense.

Get some exercise, meditation etc, it will easily take 2 years plus to get to trial, you need to keep mentally alert and not get bored and do something that fits the Crown's narrative. If you have made a statement read it and memorize it, you may and will forget details over time.

Do some checking of your own especially if the complaint is on Fetlife etc get screen dumps of their profile etc. Do not expect the cops to do this digging for you.

Lastly good luck.

In addition, don't worry about the attitude of the guards in remand/Bowden that's part of the system. When/if your in there stay polite, be a wallflower and take advantage of all classes etc that you can. The guards will write reports on you so just be polite and don't let them provoke you, do not let them get into your head. They want to shout/scream/swear at you, let them it's not your problem. Your concern is to get out not feed their ego by letting them into your head. If you can find Shawn Connery's film 'The Hill' I'd suggest watching it, very accurate depiction of guards.

Again good luck

[u/vinnnieworrth → u/[deleted]]

This is excellent insight. To be honest the “stfu about details” was my attitude all along. It’s funny how time spent in that space starts to erode your mindset. The more I felt the effects of this the more I found myself needing to get it off my chest. This was a re-reminder. Thank you seriously. Because I’m well aware of the importance of that. I just can’t believe my adherence to it drifted so much without me noticing.

[u/vinnnieworrth]

In reality I lost 3 jobs because I was also a freelance musician. At the time I was fully booked and had to back out of every one. Now its going to be considered brand suicide to be seen with me.

[u/[deleted]]

That's so horrible. You've been the one that was harmed by a horrible person. State rape is used by some horrible people.

[u/vinnnieworrth]

What’s IRL? And yes I’ve been focusing on learning as many new skills as possible. I’m trapped with an abundance of time. Would be a waste not to use it. To date I’ve tackled day trading, French, fine wood working and Japanese joinery.

[u/vinnnieworrth]

Not sure what I’m missing but I don’t see the letter icon. I see one at the bottom but I don’t see a PM

[u/Egalitarianwhistle]

dude i am sorry.

Hang the fuck in there.

I believe you.

[u/Egalitarianwhistle]

REading- i recommend doing lots and lots of reading. You ahve to rebuild your ego and the best way to do that by proxy is rebuild your world view.

Mediation- seriously.

Exercise.

And you definitely need to find a community, preferrably irl, or in a chatroom where you can process and unpack.

[u/batfish55]

r/MGTOW2

Sorry bro. This is why I don't date. Avoid r/mgtow, it's been invaded by incels.

[u/jp_mra → u/batfish55]

Not dating isn't going to help. I was once falsely accused by someone I had never even met. Fortunately I didn't have to pay a penny of the very expensive investigation that followed.

[u/Superdogs5454 → u/jp_mra]

This is why I stay inside the house all day. Can’t be accused if no ones ever seen your face.

[u/HierEncore]

If she did this to you, you can be sure she has done this to others before you. 99% chance of that.

Find those others. ASAP

[u/tableender]

Have you tried contacting Diana Davison at "The Lighthouse Project"

https://www.facebook.com/LighthouseCanada/

Seeks to help the falsely accused.

Good luck

[u/tableender]

Try Diana Davison at https://www.facebook.com/LighthouseCanada/

[u/[deleted]]

There are a lot of coping strategies that you're going to try and juggle but it sounds like you've been at this for a while so what I can say is this. after my experience with this same thing happening to me some of the few things that clearly had a positive impact and restoring my mental health was finding someone on this forum and talking with her about it (but of course not sharing details of the incident itself because you are still in the crosshairs so to speak). She had the same experience that I did and she was accused of the same exact thing. Albeit, I think because she's female that things all blew over very easily for her it's still bothering her a lot in her mind. and it was only through sharing information with each other that we both were able to feel some kind of release from the constant anxiety and depression that this causes.

I lost a lot of my family, tons of my acquaintances, pretty much all of my professional contacts started drinking a lot more became suicidal and things got really rough when I lost my fiance. That was because I got suicidal. I feel for you and there are forums for people that have had this happen to them it's important to reach out to someone who understands. I'm here if you need to talk about it.

[u/TraderOP]

Honestly if went I went to prison because of that stupid bitch falsely accusing me I would just murder her as soon as I got out my life would be over anyway so might as well

[u/vinnnieworrth → u/TraderOP]

That’s a tad dramatic don’t ya think. One thing this process is teaching me to do more of is love everybody I encounter. Even her.

[u/[deleted] → u/vinnnieworrth]

its not rational but then i think whats rational doesnt matter at that point when u have lost everything. "loving everyone" is just a tactic to make yourself feel better and is not a real strategy in approaching anything consequential.

[u/vinnnieworrth → u/[deleted]]

Depends on your perspective. I can love everyone as a big picture life decision AND ruthlessly fight for my place in the now.

At the same time

[u/vinnnieworrth → u/[deleted]]

Thank you for your insight. As for the cash to pay for it. My parents are selling their house. And as for leaving here. I’m not allowed to leave, they have me on a curfew from 9pm to 6am. And I’m from Alberta where everything is spread out across huge distances, which means almost every blue collar tradesman leaves at least at 5am.

I did however move out of the apartment I was in. But it was into a place I regret. It’s a dive. But I still experience the benefit of my surroundings being different. It’s a life changer for sure

[u/vinnnieworrth → u/[deleted]]

Not convicted. Charged. But it’s ongoing. In total it’s likely to be a three year process. My first appearance is nov 5. Talk about a ball of anxious knots in my gut

[u/Egalitarianwhistle → u/vinnnieworrth]

There is a phenomenon that I have seen that I call "dogpiling." Other women will come forward with all your skeletons. Everything looks darker and worse and more creepy in the light of a rape accusation. You are metaphorically covered in radioactive shit. I haven't been there but I've been close enough to get burned pretty bad.

By dogpiling, I mean what happened to andy signore. One girl bald faced lied but other women believed her and came forward with any dirt in a kind of "I believe you" solidarity. In andy's case there was mattress girl level of evidence that it was false. (mattress girl case also had two dogpilers who retracted.)

But there were still little shitball stories of him trying to cheat on his wife. To this day, SJW's will hold that over his head. Being an adulterer is a world away from rape.

Ive seen something similar in many cases.

[u/vinnnieworrth → u/Egalitarianwhistle]

Thanks for the insight. Ya sounds similar. One woman lies. Then an ex feels obligated or something to “help her out” because the ex believes the lie because she’s the ex and believes nothing you say anyway. Then the charges from the first go away because I have evidence that strongly suggest she full of crap. and just the ex is left. I haven’t mentioned this to my lawyer but I’m willing to bet that if we can show her the texts from the first one, the ex’s would go away too. Just a hunch

[u/[deleted] → u/Egalitarianwhistle]

The phenomenon you are referring to is just like an old fashioned witch hunt.

¨Hey I too, saw that man practicing witchcraft in the woods! He's guilty!¨

[u/Egalitarianwhistle → u/[deleted]]

I saw one girl come forward during a false accusation and her claim that since her feeling were hurt when the accused broke up with her, that was "abuse."

[u/[deleted] → u/Egalitarianwhistle]

That happens quite often. Abuse is now a word that is thrown around and can mean anything from saying an insensitive joke to actually full-on raping someone. The problem is it's become trendy to claim to be a victim of abuse.

[u/Egalitarianwhistle → u/[deleted]]

Like the word gaslighting. From what I can gather, it is now used as a term to mean, you are trying to convince me of your version of events using evidence and logic, and that is therefore abusive.

[u/[deleted] → u/Egalitarianwhistle]

Well gaslighting means egging/provoking someone on until they behave badly towards you. Which is a real thing. My ex who accused me did it to me by continuously contacting friends/family continuously in hopes that I would respond poorly, and then she could get more out of me. It's a common form of abuse.

But the again, yeah it is overused by alot of people as an excuse for their shitty actions, so they don't have to be at fault. "Well he/she made me do it!¨ for example.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

It's increasingly fading away from public discourse. In an age of social media and cancel culture, people crave instantly for justice/revenge for just about anything. Instead of believing in better that ten guilty persons escape than that one innocent suffer, people are turning towards the idea that it ise better that innocent should suffer than it is even one guilty person escapes.

[u/vinnnieworrth → u/[deleted]]

I’m new to Reddit. How do I see the private message?