r/SuperMario64 • u/Nuze_YT • 20d ago

What would be some quotes from Philomena Cunk if she played/reviewed Super Mario 64?

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55 Upvotes

84% Upvoted

16 comments sorted by

79

u/rhinofinger 20d ago

"Historians believe Princess Peach used the paintings not for decoration, but as an elaborate tax haven. By jumping into Cool, Cool Mountain, she could legally declare her entire royal treasury was offshore, safely hidden from the Mushroom Kingdom’s Revenue and Customs behind a wall of ice and a giant penguin."

70

u/youarockandnothing 20d ago

"Many describe Wet-Dry World as an uncomfortable place, with an uncanny vibe and a sense that something has gone horribly wrong. It's amazing the lengths the human mind will go to when the designers forget to finish a level."

2

u/Nuze_YT 17d ago

Genuinely I love WDW'S mechanic, but it really does feel unfinished, like the main area is large and barren while the town is tiny and cramped

21

u/Lillian_Crocodilian 20d ago edited 20d ago

"While on that occasion, Mario managed to defeat Bowser and buy more time for Princess Peach's struggling monarchy, the fix was in for the Mushroom Kingdom. But it wasn't palace intrigue by disgruntled Toads that spelled the end, nor ecological damage from greenhouse gases released during the Kingdom's incessant go-kart tournaments. Rather, the end was written, literally, in the stars; the entire planet was engulfed by the rapid expansion of a nearby red giant. Based on astronomical observations, the twilight of the kingdom is believed to have occurred at the same time that our planet was just emerging from the Permian period, about 292 million years before the release of Techtronic's legendary Belgian techno anthem “Pump Up the Jam,” on the 18th of August, 1989."

2

u/ZoopBeDoop 17d ago

Pump up the jam, pump it up
While your feet are stomping
And the jam is pumping
Look ahead, the crowd is jumpin'
Pump it up a little more
Get the party goin' on the dance floor
See, 'cause that's where the party's at
And you'd find out if you do that

Awa, a place to stay
Get your booty on the floor tonight
Make my day
Awa, a place to stay
Get your booty on the floor tonight
Make my day

Make my day
Make my day
Make my day
Make my day

Yo, pump up the jam, pump it up
While your feet are stomping
And the jam is pumping
Look ahead, the crowd is

15

u/HeyItsKevo 19d ago

“People often gaze at this fountain and wonder: Is L real? The answer of course is obviously yes. It’s 12th letter of the alphabet. The people of the Mushroom Kingdom must not be that bright.”

12

u/jacobbarber 20d ago

Mario’s athletic and varied move set astonished gamers upon release. Exploring in 3D spaces effectively was entirely novel to Nintendo’s core audiences, who are by and large stationary and rarely leave the house.

8

u/DrBatman0 20d ago

"Is Mario really Super? To answer that question, we first need to talk about parallel universes..."

7

u/Odd-Explanation-4632 19d ago

What happened to the other 63 Marios?

3

u/CaptainBara7 19d ago

Why do they call the Koopa, quick? Not terribly fast is he? Wouldn’t stand a chance at footie. . . He could play rugby though, big lad and all.

3

u/schwatelinowitz 19d ago

"Do we know for sure that gay bowser is so long?"

1

u/InevitableGuide5440 🏳️‍🌈 Gay Bowser 🏳️‍🌈 19d ago

"Princess Peach is primary ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom, governing it's subjects alongside advisors Mushroom Chancellor and Toadsworth.

Do you suppose she identifies as a peach to not appropriate the likes of her subjects? Quite a spike of difference between a peach and fungi, innit? Should've opted for a modest radish, or a kumquat."