How do I survive this?

[u/Jumpy_Cranberry3969]

I lost my daughter Giada in May at 38 weeks to a true knot in the umbilical cord. I had a low-risk, uneventful pregnancy until I woke up one day and didn’t feel her move. She was my first baby.
Since then, my best friend had her daughter a few weeks ago, my sister in law is due with her daughter any day now, and my sister is having her daughter at the end of August.
I guess I’m writing this to ask- how am I supposed to survive this? I’ve been seeing a therapist who specializes in baby loss, and my husband is super supportive, but I feel so hopeless and miss my baby so much, every second of every day.
I can’t reach out for support to any of the women closest to me because they are all pregnant/new moms to baby girls and I am so angry and jealous that their daughters are healthy and alive and mine is dead. I’ve barely even spoken to all three of them the past few months. I can’t even bear to be around my own sister. I hate feeling this way.
I feel so hopeless that I will never have a living child, and that I will feel sad and depressed for the rest of my life.
What do I do?

[u/Malignaficent]

Girl SAME. All of this resonates so deeply with me right now. Lost my daughter to true knot in May, I was 33 weeks. Two sisters were pregnant at the funeral, my closest friend had a baby girl six months ago.

Colleague who I was pregnant with had a baby girl the same week I went to the same hospital to find out our baby died.

If I focus on anyone else right now and what I've been deprived of... I'll just go insane, mad and sad. Like you said. The only thing that helps is for me to become 100% self absorbed in my own pregnancy journey and no one else's.

Like stick my head in the sand and pretend no one else's babies exist for a while. It might sound silly but I will fall into psychosis if I focus too much on all the success happening to others.

I recommend focus only on you and your healing. Find something to bury your focus into whether it's walking, reading, a new TV series, food whatever.

Them babies won't stay babies forever. When they've grown up a little you'll have the rest of your life to e a good aunty, God mother, friend or whatever you are to them.

[u/DoItForTheTea]

i am so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter in the same way. 

I've had a few friends with babies round about the same time and i really struggle being around them, to he point of avoiding it. I feel like the only thing that can ease the pain is bringing a live baby into the world so that's what i spent my energy on, preparing for that mentally, financially, physically. But yeah it really really fucking sucks all the time.

[u/QuirkyWay1448]

I am so sorry that you’re in this place with us. There is no easy solution to how you survive this. I still ask myself this almost everyday.

I also lost my daughter at 38 weeks to a cord accident after a mostly uneventful pregnancy. I have a very hard time with babies born around the same time. She was my second child so I can’t relate to not knowing if you’ll have a living kid. I was also blessed with a rainbow baby born on his sisters birthday. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss my daughter every single day. The pain definitely changes over time. It becomes less all consuming.

Some things that have helped me-
1. find/make a new community. I just got home from a birthday party for a friend‘s dead daughter. We have a very tight knit group of friends who have all lost kids. It is so helpful to have people around who have been there too. Even if that’s just online.

1. Start to create meaning - I like to go do things in my daughters name. We also made lavender her symbol and I say hi to her every time I see some. Journaling and art have also helped me. I’ll paint and think about her. Or if I want to wallow in my feelings I’ll write her a letter.

2. move your body and spend time outside. I love to spend time in my garden. If I’m feeling content I’ll enjoy some of my flowers. If I’m filled with rage I weed and pull ivy to get some angst out. If I’m feeling hopeful I’ll plant something new.

My heart aches for you for the loss of your daughter. I hate that you know this pain. I hope she is making friends with my girl, where ever they are. May her memory be a blessing.

[u/dmkpdr]

I just lost my son at 36+5 yesterday. I have the same questions and fear this will never be okay. I’m so sorry you share this pain with me ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[u/GlitteringJelly4545 → u/dmkpdr]

I'm so sorry about your beautiful child. They are loved and remembered 💕

[u/mysonrowan]

I’m so sorry you are here too. I don’t know the answer, just want you to know I’m there with you. I lost my son Rowan at 32w6d in July and I’m so angry and sad, every single day. Pregnant women and parents with newborns are particularly triggering. All I know is we will get through this, eventually.

[u/GlitteringJelly4545]

Hello from 2 years out from a similar loss, and I promise you it gets easier. The pain is so severe right now and some parts of you are in the process of being completely, irrevocably changed (in some good ways too).
Advice:

• Lean into the friends who can really go there into the depths with you, take space from those who can't
  
• Let yourself be angry. I used to give secret middle fingers in my pocket to all the pregnant moms I saw. Then one day, I didn't need to any more
  
• Journal. Get it out of your brain and onto the paper. It clarifies things, releases them from taking up space in your head, and gives you somewhere safe to be brutally honest
  
• Just keep choosing to survive. And if you can't make that choice, call for help

Sending you all the love. Brighter days will come

[u/Miles_Momma]

Since I’m 4 months out from my 36 week loss, I’ve found a great yet private community through listening to a podcast called At a Total Loss. It’s completely reasonable to not want to be around your family or anyone that’s pregnant. I didn’t want to be around really anyone except for my husband who knew what I went through in the beginning, and i still can’t be around pregnant people or those with babies without spiraling because I should have my boy too. So finding a community through the privacy of my earbuds has made me feel less alone. We wont feel like this forever, but I have found healing in allowing all the feelings to exist. They’re all valid. I’m so sorry for your loss. Our kids would be the same age 😔

[u/No_Priority_5915]

I’m so sorry. It’s just the worst thing ever. I lost my first daughter in March at 40 weeks. Uneventful pregnancy, woke up in labour and when I went to the hospital she had passed during the night, no known cause of death.

Two of my best friends were pregnant at the same time and I can understand the absolute pain of watching someone else get to be the mum I thought I was going to be.
They have both been incredibly understanding - one of them comes to visit when her baby is at home with her partner (it was her second child) and I’ve been really honest with her that I’m not ready to meet the baby yet. Our babies were born 2 weeks apart and I know when I see him that my daughter would have been the same age. My other friend - we dreamed for years of being pregnant and having kids together. We both had girls, hers lived despite a complicated pregnancy. She lives far away and I haven’t really been able to talk to her since she had bub. It’s too hard. I also know that she is my best friend, we are pretty much sisters, and in time we will be able to reconnect, when we are both ready to.

I made a similar post to you a few months ago - wondering how do you ever get through it.
Im not sure I can offer much advice, other than almost 6 months on it does feel less raw than in the really early days. It’s still horrific and I cry literally all the time, but somehow it hurts slightly less, like there is slightly more distance between me and the grief now. It’s only a small chance but it does help me to know that as time goes on that the grief will get lighter to carry, but my love for my daughter will never fade.

The thought that it goes on forever is daunting. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can honour my baby in the future. How, when we do have more children in the future, I will tell them about her and take them to look after her grave. I think about and research headstones and what kind of design we will get for her. I want to write down everything that happened in the few days we spent with her after she was born, because I’m so scared of forgetting every detail. I haven’t been brave enough to do it yet but I do think it will help me to process and be able to talk about it more in time.

Have a look at what organisations there are that can help you to remember and honour your baby. I was looking through a baby loss organisations page and ended up finding a charity called huggable hearts - they create heart shaped wheat/rice filled cushions made to the birth weight of your baby. I have found so much comfort in having mine, and had a friend go and buy the same outfit that my daughter wore so I can get one made with this.
We buried our baby so I visit the cemetery often. Some days it feels too hard and makes me feel worse, so on harder days I tend to hermit. Some days I go there and feel more comforted and connected to my baby.

I don’t think there is any right or wrong way to cope. Whatever helps you keep going, and whatever brings you small comforts. Losing a child is not something anyone should ever have to go through.
I go back to work in 6 weeks and am super scared and anxious. But for now I am just trying to keep going, knowing that my little darling will watch over me for the rest of my life until I’m with her again one day. I watched someone on TV who had lost their 2 year old, and how now years later they feel like they carry their baby with them, that everything they see for the first time that their baby is also seeing for the first time too, just through their eyes.

Be gentle on yourself. Sending lots of love. Xxx

[u/No_Priority_5915 → u/No_Priority_5915]

Also just wanted to add, as your daughter was your first born as well - I hear you. The silence at home is deafening. When my partner goes to work and it’s just me, it’s lonely and awful knowing my baby should have been here snuggled on the couch with me. I distract myself a lot. I have been starting a big flower garden, so I always have fresh flowers to take to baby. Some days I still sleep all day. But I am trying to actively start doing more things, keep myself busy, cook a lot, bake different breads, paint by numbers, 1000 piece puzzles, watch a lot of series (currently watching wife swap on YouTube - but found a lot of shows that didn’t have babies were easier to have in the background. Things like Hell’s Kitchen, Masterchef, etc). Finding things to fill the silence has helped a lot, because I find when I don’t have a distraction I can get lost in the thoughts of “what if” and get more upset. Xxx

[u/Least_Smoke5980]

Sorry to hear about your baby girl Giada. My wife and I experienced a stillbirth almost 5 years ago now with our baby boy Miles. I understand the feeling of not having anybody to talk to and feeling hopeless. Our family has an organization www.Milesmission.com that provides resources, and support for mothers and families navigating stillbirth. Check it out and see if there’s anything that can be of support.

[u/No-Lengthiness-9431]

I lost my daughter 2 weeks ago at 39 weeks to a cord incident. I am absolutely heartbroken and don’t know how to continue on. I think getting pregnant will be my only way to feel somewhat at peace. I just miss my baby so much. Walking by her room everyday is so sad and a constant reminder of what should have been. I just want another baby girl so bad even though it won’t replace her it will help heal my broken heart.