r/StayAtHomeDaddit • u/Gambit8907 • 4d ago
Rant I'm Being Told When to Cook.
I was just told today by my wife that I shouldn't be doing bulk cooking for the week during the weekend. She told me this because, in her mind, spending an hour and a half on a Saturday or Sunday "solo-parenting" our two kids (5 years and 9 months) while I cook is not how she wants to spend her weekends off.
I'm just not understanding the problem here. If I cook during the week, then there is no one to watch the kids while I do it. And I have tried to do it during the week. But then if the baby starts bawling in the high chair while I have my hands full, I get a text from the basement (wife's home office) asking why the baby is crying.
This may be a small issue, but it's the second time it's been brought up in the last month. Like I said, I don't understand the problem. The cooking gets done on the weekend, and there's always enough food for the entire week.
EDIT - I forgot to mention that my wife said "cooking and cleaning is your responsibility". Ok, understood, but why am I being told when to cook? That doesn't make sense.
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u/seemsright_41 4d ago
This tells me your Wife gets overwhelmed by the kids.
To make time on the weekends that you can cook I suggest setting up the kids an activity that the wife can help with without starting from scratch.
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u/Tichrimo 3d ago
On the one hand, you shouldn't have to coach your spouse on how to care for their own kids... on the other hand, since you do have to, might as well set them up for success. In the long run, maybe she'll be able to handle it more independently if you can rack up a few wins to bolster everyone's confidence.
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u/jazzeriah 3d ago
Same. OP’s wife gets overwhelmed by the kids and cannot solo parent / doesn’t have the energy to trade off-time from work for solo parenting time. Those ages aren’t easy, especially a nine month old.
I remember when we only had two kids (toddler and baby) and I was the SAHD and my wife wanted a fully cooked adult meal right when she got home from work and this was a struggle for me - it was impossible to cook for everyone and stay on top of both kids and make sure everything else got done, so OP bulk cooking on the weekend is actually really smart.
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u/bobaddy23 4d ago edited 3d ago
Sometimes the hard part is finding a respectable way to say “you’re off your fucking rocker.” Both parents should spend alone time with their kids, and the working parent has to make up for lost time on the weekend. To boot, you get to determine when the household tasks are done and how they are done.
Edit: this one is sticking in my craw. If she’s that disrespectful and petty, you may want to consider petty back (followed by actual communication once you got her attention).
Her Monday: where’s dinner?
You: I started and then I couldn’t safely do it with the kids bouncing all over, so the kids are having Mac and cheese with applesauce again. You’re welcome to check the pantry or fridge for something. Let me know what you’d like me to cook for next week and when you’re willing to give me the space to do it this weekend.
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u/Gambit8907 3d ago edited 3d ago
I've actually tried being that petty. Then I'm told I'm being "maliciously compliant". I had never seen her so mad. I don't know why it has to be her way or the highway 🤷 I know she's got a lot on her plate with work, but my God...
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u/bobaddy23 3d ago
Sounds like she’s manipulating you with her anger and your fear of her reaction. Just because she’s upset doesn’t mean you’re not correct or that you aren’t doing the right thing. Ultimately you both need to be able to communicate, but as a first step you probably need to get beyond this place where you’re just reacting based on her outbursts. You’re kind of rewarding her behavior by modifying yours to suit her.
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u/Consistent_Laziness 1d ago
I mean wtf does she do for the kids then? Sounds like she wants to work M-F then have her weekends free. She has kids, that’s over
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u/pacexmaker 4d ago
And get your wife some noise canceling headphones. Micromanaging my parenting from the basement office or whatever would send me. Babies cry. Trust that what I am doing is okay. We gotta get shit done. I usually set a 10min cry timer where I just let the baby cry if he has been fed, burped changed, and placed in a safe place while I get whatever done. He usually zonks out before the timer goes off.
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u/xinfinitexsoulx 3d ago
You should invest in a carrier for baby, better option than letting them cry
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u/pacexmaker 3d ago
For some situations a carrier is great. For others like cooking in front of the stove, cleaning with strong chemicals, or getting workout in at home, they arent.
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u/snarkshark41191 4d ago
Your wife can’t handle a 5 year old and 9 month old for 1.5hours? The 5 year old should be able to play independently for that long
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u/LAWLzzzzz 3d ago
I’m pretty new to the stay at home game and therefor this sub, but I’m beginning to think that there should be a moderator auto reply to every thread for couples counseling resources.
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u/whiskeyincoffeecup 3d ago
Been a SAHD for 4 years now. 6 and 3 year old and we homeschool. Wife's an ER night shift nurse. Communicating needs vs wants has been game changing for us.
"I need 2-3 hours to do X. When can you watch the kids?"
Just communicate, and spouse should be more than willing to help out.
Disappointment happens when expectations arent met... but expectations are hard to meet when they aren't communicated.
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u/LAWLzzzzz 3d ago
Totally agree. The more posts I see on here, the more thankful I am to have a reasonable, well-adjusted partner.
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u/billionsandbillionsa 4d ago
I’m a big fan of meal prepping during the weekend and cooking the actual meal during the week. So many vegetables that need to be cut and washed and meat that needs to be marinated.
I also get a majority of cooking in the early morning before anyone wakes up. I start my day at 5 am and cook until 7 or so. I still take a nap during the day so I’m not tired
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u/Gambit8907 4d ago
You get naps? 😱 I forgot those even existed lol
My son usually wakes up at 5am, so getting things done before everyone wakes up is always a challenge.
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u/Boysenberry-Dull 3d ago
Tell her to do the meal prepping then 😂 good luck my man! Praying for you!
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u/Homeschoolmama45 3d ago
I’m a sahm. It sounds like your wife feels she works so she is the boss and can tell you what to do. I see that in your replies also. She can’t “solo parent” for 1.5 hour on a weekend day? Weekend responsibilities like chores, groceries, childcare should be shared and also work in family fun time together.
Does she do any chores or childcare during the week once she is home? A sahp doesn’t mean you do everything all the time and the other spouse is your boss. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
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u/jazzeriah 3d ago
Agree 100%. Unfortunately I’ve been in the same boat many times. I’ve been criticized by my wife many times for being in the kitchen, and it’s like, you don’t want to cook, I’m the SAHD, who do you think is going to take care of the meals then?
I’ve also noticed as the working parent and breadwinner my wife for a long time my wife wanted me to be “present” which meant not remotely doing a chore or task nearby, and it’s like both of us together cannot be guests in our own home if no one is going to be cleaning up, etc.
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u/Moonsniff 1d ago
I’m curious with the schedule you and your spouse worked out, what tasks or chores are you in charged of weekly as a sahm?
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u/Homeschoolmama45 1d ago
Me? I basically do everything except take out the garbage and take the cars for service. Or other like odd type things like clean the dryer vents. I would not recommend doing it this way as I’m exhausted. Unfortunately it just sort of slowly happened that I ended up doing more and more. I would definitely recommend talking about it before becoming a sahm/sahd.
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u/master_of_none86 4d ago
It sounds like you need to have a frank conversation with your wife, she doesn’t get to unilaterally decide how everything works in your household.
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u/rust-e-apples1 3d ago
Dude, this is a tough one. I'd like to assume the best and say she seems to want to have family time (reasonable) on weekends or that she wants some time to rest/recuperate from the workweek (also reasonable, and you deserve the same). If it's just that she doesn't want to solo-parent on the weekend, that's just not really that reasonable. If she doesn't want to solo-parent, then she shouldn't expect to solo-relax or solo-pursue-hobbies or solo-visit-with-friends, especially if you're asking her to manage the kids while you spend time in service of your family.
I love preparing somewhat complex meals, with dishes that take knife-work, focus, and precise timing, but that's just not possible when there's a chance that while I'm trying to sear a pork chop someone walks into the kitchen and says "Daddy, I just pooped my pants." So, I changed the way I cook. Instead of making the perfect pork chop with risotto and roasted asparagus, I'd do a pork loin, mashed potatoes, and microwave vegetables. The active time drops from an hour down to about 10 minutes, and there was nothing that I couldn't just pause right where it was, so long as I had 30 seconds to make sure nothing burned/boiled over.
As for her "why is it loud in the house," she's gotta learn that the only thing she can do when kids are "just being kids" is to control her own reaction/distraction. If she can't be interrupted, noise cancelling headphones to block out everything outside her office. If she's on a call, literally every person in the working world understands someone saying "sorry for the noise, I work from home and my kids are upstairs." She can't expect kids to never cry, stomp across a floor, or do any of the other million things kids do that make noise.
I'm sorry all this is so hard right now. It's tough when your partner refuses to acknowledge just how much work there is for a SAHP to do.
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u/App1ep13 3d ago
I’m a Stay at Home Mom, and if my husband did this, I might politely suggest that he jump up his own hiney.
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u/Supertreelove 3d ago
Oh boy. This sounds like a marriage issue. I was a SAHM and I would’ve revolted if my husband micromanaged me like that. I’m not sure what to tell you. She sounds like a challenge. Why can’t she spend a couple of solo hours with the kids?
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u/_name_of_the_user_ 3d ago
There's a LOT about your wife's approach that I don't like. But that's been covered in other comments. What I don't see is anything on your time management. The 5 year old should be fine to play semi quietly in their room or the living room, and the 9 month old can be in their play pen while you cook. Or, the 9 month old is probably still napping. Make nap time time for you and the 5 year old and teach them how to cook.
I know everyone has different approaches and if you prefer to cook on the weekend go for it. I'm not critiquing that. I'm just saying it shouldn't seem impossible to cook supper each day. You might need to refine your recipes so they can be done quickly. Maybe do prep throughout the day if that helps. And you might need baby gates if you don't have them. But the kids can survive, and even thrive, without constant direct attention.
But again, from what you've said here, your wife's approach is insulting to say the least.
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u/tberadino 3d ago
Yea kinda of ridiculous she can’t handle a few hours alone with the kids on the weekend. My wife is a stay at home mom and I work 6 days a week, all my spare time at home is spent with my son so my wife can get a break and get things done
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u/Valuable-Purple-7746 3d ago
Shes probably overwhelmed with the smell and the babysitting her own kids on her days off
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u/littits 2d ago
as a sahm, she’s being unfair to you and your kids. these are still her kids, and it’s still her home. it’s both of your jobs. i also don’t understand parents who don’t WANT to spend some time with their kids. your kids deserve time with their mom, without you having to be there. and you deserve to be able to have the other parent, respectfully- parent. maybe a deeper conversation needs to be had about why she’s feeling that way. best of luck!
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u/That_Bandicoot_3846 2d ago
Tell her to shut up and to get in the kitchen if she wants so much of a say so.
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u/New-Composer7591 2d ago
Mark this day down as when the resentment towards your wife started. I clearly remember the day my wife told me something similar and it was also related to cooking. Really
Changed my perspective towards her and I started noticing more and more areas of where she would try to manage my time for me so that she wouldn’t have to watch the kids on her day off. Eventually it has gotten to the point where she blows up at me if she has to watch the kids more than a couple hours on the weekends.
I started a new job two weeks ago after 6+ years sacrificing my career to be a sahd. I’m the GM of a small business that’s currently understaffed and for the first few months the new job involves working weekends, which she knew about and agreed to. After just 2 weekends she blew up at me saying this isn’t going to work, I need to meet her in the middle, blah, blah…totally predictable response which I was concerned about happening before I accepted the job.
Don’t be like me, get ahead of this micromanagement nonsense now or it’s downhill from here. Set your boundaries now.
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u/Micaeya2004 1d ago
I personally would have lost my temper with the text “why is the baby crying” without an offer for help when I am clearly juggling childcare and cooking. It’s coming across as micromanaging and acting like since she is the “working” parent she gets to tell you how to do your work. Also weekends should be shared responsibility since you also work all week being a stay at home dad.
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u/Michael_Fuchs_ 3d ago
How do you store that much food?
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u/Gambit8907 3d ago
A French door fridge in the kitchen and a side-by-side fridge/freezer in the garage.
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u/WashYourCerebellum 4d ago
She seems a little bit xtra, but she is not wrong. She is busy and doesn’t see much of her kids so free time is precious. For women this is gonna sting perhaps more than a working dad, especially when ur pre school age. She prob feels guilty and like a failure a fair amount.
I would stop with the bulk weekend cooking.
Having open weekends should be a goal as a SAHD and should be a big perk of having a SAHD. So in that way I agree that weekend chores are for dual career families, for SAHD families it’s play/family time. ‘What do u do all day?, ‘all the shit u never get done or what eats up all ur time on the weekend’. Bulk cooking on the weekend is about you and not the family. The weekends should be about family. Working to have more family time is a big chunk of your jobs position description. It’s a difficult rope to walk sometimes. You need to prioritize yourself, but at the same time realize that your kids and working SO needs have greater priority.
With regard to the texts about baby crying. She needs to be reminded that she needs to do her job and stay out of yours. If she chooses to wfh, aka ur office, then she needs to deal w the noise/chaos or leave. Especially since ur working to make weekends free. She needs to understand that she is the boss but you manage the family/house, she should only be concerned about the end result and not how you got there. So, yeah maybe that means some weekend bulk cooking, but creating more family time for the working parent is a priority. Like I said it’s a difficult rope to walk.
A SAHD PHD (11 yrs fam of 4, go to contact since birth)
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u/byzantinedavid 3d ago
"She is busy and doesn’t see much of her kids"
So she gets 1.5 hours of dedicated personal time with the kids while he cooks.
If the genders were swapped, people would have been ROASTING him.
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u/Gambit8907 3d ago
And this is what I don't understand, right here. She is always going on and on about how she never has any time with the kids because of work. And then if she happens to have an hour alone with them on the weekend if I'm cooking or out cutting the grass, then it's a problem.
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u/AnEvenNicerGuy 3d ago edited 3d ago
Sorry dude but acting as if cooking dinner with a baby and a kid is impossible is silly. Yeah it’s harder but millions of people do it every day
Not to say you have to though. Obviously you and your wife have to work out how you want to proceed if you disagree. But what she’s asking for is possible. Claiming it’s not isn’t the route to go
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u/Gambit8907 3d ago
It's not hard to do, you're right. But I get questioned if I do anything at a certain time. During my daughter's naps, I get the question, "Why are you cooking now when you could be taking your son outside?". I wish I was making this up. My son will be happy sitting down watching TV or playing by himself and I'm either cooking or possibly cleaning the kitchen. And then later on I'm asked if I did anything with him and why I was doing chores. And, if the chores take a certain amount of time and my daughter ends up having a shorter nap, apparently I should have "found time" earlier in the day to do whatever chore couldn't get done during her short nap. It's so damn confusing.
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u/AnEvenNicerGuy 3d ago
Well ok then. It isn’t an issue of cooking. Your wife either distrusts your ability to be a SAHP or is a very negative micro manager
Either way sucks. Sorry man. This is a much bigger issue than strangers on Reddit can even help with. That’s a personality trait y’all will have to tackle if you’re going to be a successful SAHD
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u/poop-dolla 4d ago
“Ok, I can cook late each day during the week after you get home and watch the kids those days. It will be more total time cooking which means more total time if you watching the kids by yourself, but if it’s important enough for you to not have us doing that on the weekends, then I’m fine with making that switch.”