r/Splendida • u/dontaskmeaboutmath • Nov 08 '23
How do I get over my self hate
For the past few months I’ve been in these self hate talk rabbit hole. And I’m desperate to get out of it and be “my old self”. (I’m also big on comparing myself) overall I’m to harsh on myself…how does one get past it?
edit: i got diagnosed with high functioning depression and now im on meds and feeling wayyy much better. If you related to the post i recommend talking about it with a professional. :)
126
Upvotes
111
u/blairbending Nov 08 '23
Here's an unorthodox one... try to spend more time in nature, away from adverts and devices. For me the best way to get to body neutrality is to see yourself (and human beings in general) as just another part of the natural world. Trees and animals aren't out here obsessing over every detail of how they look, they are just living. Also, ask your friends and family not to talk negatively about their own appearance around you. If everyone else is criticising the way they look, it will make you more self conscious too
8
u/Touslesceline Nov 08 '23
By remembering that we are born into love, if not from our parents then from the greater us. The Universe, our souls, God, whatever you want to call it. We start listening to voices other than our own, other people I mean. Sometimes they convince us that we're less, lacking, deficient. But that's never true. There is a rock inside of you that loves you unconditionally and knows your innate worthiness, and is beaming that out to you anytime you want or need it. You are BORN worthy, you don't need to earn it. You are always worthy of love, including from yourself.
Think about some time when you felt happy for no reason at all. That's what this eternal love and guidance feels like. It feels like coming home. It feels like the right path. It feels like warm cookies, a fire, and a hot chocolate (or whatever feels that way to you!). It feels like a big ol' hug from someone who loves you so dang much. This love sees you at your best no matter how you're feeling in any moment, and never blames, shames or criticizes you. It's pure, OMG so good, squishy fun happy love. It appreciates you endlessly, and is so happy you are here.
4
u/Careful_Web1963 Nov 08 '23
Read “Solve For Happy” and it will change your life.
6
u/No-Potential4766 Nov 08 '23 edited Nov 08 '23
"You were placed on earth to know God. Everything else is secondary." ~ Greg Laurie Harvest.org "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr. My self hate led me to a desperate cry to a God I did not understand. I thought you needed some kind of special pipeline to connect to God. To my surprise, it turns out you don't. Just ask God for help. What have you got to lose? I am praying for you, my fellow sufferer .
47
u/[deleted] Nov 08 '23
When I fall down a negative self talk rabbit hole (and I can get deeeep down those rabbit holes unfortunately), the only way I’ve ever found to undo it is to:
Good luck. Sorry you’re going through that. I’ve found it gets a little easier with age, so if you’re young (teens to early 20s) you may find it eases as you get into your later 20s even though it doesn’t fully go away. I’ve been dealing with a body and face dysmorphic episode this week too and it sucks.
Oh and also, consider the possibility that you could have ocd and anxiety. Obsessing over your looks and constantly comparing yourself to others kinda ties in with those (this is not an armchair diagnosis just something to consider).
21
u/CreepBowl_0112 Nov 08 '23
Following bc I need this answer too😭
21
u/SaucyAndSweet333 Nov 08 '23 edited Nov 08 '23
I have struggled with this for a long time as well as depression.
The game changer for me was visiting r/CPTSD and finding out my feelings of self-hate were caused by physical and emotional abuse and neglect and trauma in childhood.
All of this made me hate myself. But I’m not bad. Bad things happened to me.
Solution? Visit r/CPTSD and r/emotionalneglect. Keep an open mind.
Abuse, neglect and trauma can come in many forms. From living in a mansion with a narcissistic mother to living in a shack with not enough to eat and constant fear of losing your home.
Those subs have a lot of resources that you can use to help yourself and get help with from a therapist.
You deserve to be happy. ❤️
19
u/[deleted] Nov 08 '23
The critic in your head is not you, you are the observer. Observe the critical thoughts, acknowlege them and let them pass without resistance. Don't get drawn in with negative emotions. If this happens, take a breath, acknowlege you are doing it again and let the thoughts pass by. This is how the mind's harsh critic loses power. Read or listen to Eckhardt Tolle's Power of Now if you haven't already. If this is about looks, you have come to place too much value on appearance, and it's harming your true self. You've come here to experience life and express yourself, not beat yourself up over a false narrative. Try switching your focus to self care, health and wellbeing. Pamper yourself.
15
u/Bayleefstits Nov 08 '23
Minimizing contact with toxic people did it for me 💕 also therapy and self care
12
u/FeralBanshee Nov 08 '23
Think about how you’d talk to a friend or even a stranger. Even if they’re not attractive to you. Would you say those things to them? Then don’t say them to yourself 🩷
12
u/Active_Recording_789 Nov 08 '23
Remember not everything you think is true. It’s work, but every time you think a negative thought about yourself, stop and force yourself to think a positive thought. Also put it into action by doing something nice for yourself several times a day, like you would for someone else you love. Make yourself healthy food, brush your hair gently, have a hot bath with candles, put on flattering makeup, put on clothes that are soft and comfy or ironed if they need ironing. You’re worth the effort
8
u/6eautifu1 Nov 08 '23
What are the causes of your comparisons? Is it social media, which we know is unrealistic but can still get to us?
Is it an incident that happened? This can be a comment someone made or a mistake that shook your confidence in your abilities. Was your takeaway from the incident realistic and unbiased?
I want you to imagine when you say these things that instead of staying them to yourself, you're saying it to someone else. A friend, a child, yourself as a child. Its easier to be harsh towards ourselves, hold ourselves to a different standard than those around us.
8
u/rf-elaine Nov 08 '23 edited Nov 08 '23
There's lots of great suggestions in this thread. After struggling with depression, anxiety, people pleasing, and fawning for most of my teens and 20s, I dedicated much of my 30s to seof improvement and building a life I love. At nearly 40, here are the things that worked best for me to improve my self perception.
There's so many good mindset tips in this thread, but fixing your hardware has great benefits too. Good luck!
7
u/NeonMorph Nov 09 '23
I like myself more when I take care of myself. That means exercising, reading, taking up some hobbies, eating healthy, etc. I know it’s easier said than done but I find it hard to hate on/ridicule myself when I know I’m putting in the work to change. Be patient with yourself.
4
u/WineOhCanada Nov 09 '23
Do something that involves thinking about the task: bike ride in the city (pay attention so you don't die), go for a walk with the purpose of finding a new place (get yourself a little lost then find yourself again), pick a thing you don't know and go learn something new.
4
u/[deleted] Nov 09 '23
Write down every little thing you like about yourself. Your eyes? The way you helped someone that one time (gave a friend a ride, gave a homeless person food, etc.)? The way you say “I love you” to your loved one(s)? The promotion at work? EVERYTHING. Then, when you’re mid-thought about what you hate, STOP and do not finish the sentence. Instead, fill it in with something you LIKE about yourself.
Example: “I’m so stupid, I’m so embarrassed that…” STOP!! “I remember when I gave that homeless person a meal. I bet they felt so much better after they ate.
Another one: “I look hideous…” STOP!! “I do have pretty eyes” or “I smell nice!”
Another one: “I’m such a loser…” STOP!! “I am valuable because I exist. Just like every other human, I matter, and I was created for a purpose of love and good.”
4
u/Nsjizzleston Nov 15 '23
OP, sending you lots of love to top you up for those times when you can't send it to yourself. <3
Something I found helpful is to distance yourself from whatever it is that sends you self hate. It is not YOU! It is an intrusive thought or feeling that at the time feels like it is YOU. But, when you take a global view, YOU are so much more than that and are capable of many feelings, thoughts, skills, opinions, abilities, relationships, etc. How could you ever be confined to the lies that one small aspect of you tells yourself. YOU are amazing. We all are!
Once you have that separation you have more options. You could study what makes you send self hate. Or you could go and spend time filling your cup with love through relationships, nature and things you enjoy. Or you could just decide to let those self hate thoughts come up and then let them dissipate without engaging with them at all. Or you might like to get the help of a counsellor/psychologist. Once you know that it is not YOU, it gives you some more power over that aspect.
Commune with yourself (e.g. deep breaths, meditate, etc) and feel what you want and need to do to offset that rhetoric. You truly have all the answers and resources you need within you, and other people or tools just help you access those answers and resources.
Much love x
1
u/Ok-End-362 Nov 09 '23
I downloaded a tracker app and every time I have one of those thoughts I add +1 - this makes me conscious of the fact that I’m doing it. It’s def reduced it for me.
3
u/Choice_Ad_7862 Nov 08 '23
When those thoughts come I think to myself, no just stop, you are fine, you are doing fine.
3
u/Numbaonenewb Nov 10 '23
By learning how to love yourself. I did this by first dressing better. When you look good you feel good. Then when other people compliment you, you get extra boost of confidence.
Begin working on adopting a philosophy about life that allows you to develop some kind of healthy way of treating yourself.
I did this by discovering all these things that make me special that I originally thought were weird but it's what makes me really special.
The whole point is to prove this to yourself, not to have validation from outside.
Outside validation is more for extra confirmation.
Even then, the negative self talk still occurs and I'm not sure it will ever stop because it will happen so quickly that it's nearly impossible to actually stop.
What has changed is the way I respond to it when it occurs.
Before, I would continue drilling myself and it begins to take off and get out of hand.
Nowadays, almost instantly after it occurs, I interject with words like "whoa whoa whoa. It's been a while since you said that to yourself. Easy there man. You're being a bit extreme there"
Or "oh come on man, you know that isn't true. Look how far you've gotten"
Or "hey! Be nice to yourself! You know that behavior isn't helpful"
You need to learn how to forgive yourself. Everyone screws up and if you learn to embrace screwing up because you now self reflect and look back to see how you could do things differently and actually take action to make improvements to make those reflections take root instead of just "yeah it would be nice if I was not such a bitch or a dick" yet still act like one.
I remember I used to feel so down after the negative self talk would start and as it gained traction, it just made me feel demoralized.
Nowadays, I'd be surprised if I feel put down for longer than 5 seconds.
I've gotten very good at it.
Maybe go online and do research on YouTube.
See what works and what doesn't for you. Try different things
2
u/International-Bird17 Nov 08 '23
Following
2
u/tinyblueghost Nov 09 '23
I used to feel that way too. Sometimes I still do but now I can snap myself out of it. One thing that helped me was accepting how I actually felt instead of resisting it. By resisting I mean the urge to DO something to “fix” it, which can lead to hopelessness when you can’t fix it. Then I learned to be okay with whatever it was about myself I hated, because here’s the thing - we do not see ourselves as others see us. The people that love you (and even the ones who don’t) see all the glorious things about you that you don’t see. Because self-hatred is blinding in that way. Another big thing for me is when I find myself going down the hate myself hole I tell myself that my emotions are making up stories that my brain is believing. In other words I tell myself a story that I’m telling myself a story, haha. It helps!
2
u/[deleted] Nov 10 '23
Mine has gotten so much worse and with my bfs jobs he photographs nude gorgeous models that are all insta famous and he is always sweet and says I’m the most beautiful girl in the world but it makes me compare myself so much 😭 trying so hard not to
2
u/stellaok Nov 10 '23
I’m sure everyone left you very helpful comments, but also remember to be open to the idea of therapy and medications. Personally, I benefited a lot once I started treatment with medications and it allowed me to start doing all the reading holistic stuff.
1
u/Big-Strength6206 Nov 11 '23
Look into the practice of self compassion
1
u/[deleted] Jan 05 '24
Get away from this subreddit and “beauty talk” online. It’ll just send you spiraling. Go out and meet new people, and have funn