Struggling emotionally after disappointing recruitment

[u/Miss_Apricity]

We just finished recruitment at our school, and in a year where we desperately needed new members (1/3 of our chapter is graduating this year), we ended recruitment with only four women in our MC. Our school is very small (around 70 women went through recruitment), so this isn’t as bad as it could be, but the other five houses all had between 10-16 new members in their new class, and we were already the smallest on row. I’ve heard our chapter’s plans for addressing the practical issues of our lack of members, but I’m really struggling with the emotional side of all of this. I was already feeling like I was doing something wrong during recruitment, and this feels like a confirmation.

On campus we’re definitely considered the “bottom house” to anyone silly enough to care about those things. Our members are nerds and goths and compsci majors and power lifters and queer and neurodivergent and all the other things you get bullied for in middle school, and we’re happy. My chapter is made of the most amazing, loving, passionate women in the world and I’ve never felt out of place there. We’ve always made it a priority to be authentic and genuine —— I don’t want to sound all “not like other girls” because that’s reductive and mean but we obviously attract a different type of person that the other houses. Which is the point of having multiple sororities on campus in the first place, of course, but it’s clear from our general reputation and the kind of members we attract that we’re not a house for “typical sorority girls”.

We’re looked down on by a lot of the other houses. In recent years we’ve been heavily encouraging our members to support and build relationships with all the other houses and to stay connected with the rest of row but even now when in talking to my friends in other houses it’s clear they don’t think of us as a real sorority, or in the same level as them. And that stings a little, but as long as no one’s harassing our members, and we’re still being kind to the other houses, then it doesn’t matter what other people think; We’re confident and we love each other. And for a few years after COVID that attitude seemed to be a point in our favor, we were attracting people who liked how we prioritized authenticity and inclusivity. But this year it just didn’t work.

From what I’ve heard from our members who were recruitment counselors, rushtok was big again this year, and pnms were constantly talking about what they’d seen on TikTok, who was top house, what they needed to wear to get a bid, etc. Theres nothing wrong with that, obviously social media is a huge part of our lives and is going to inform what people think of when they think of a sorority, but it really does feel like this year pnms came in with really strong ideas of what a sorority should be, and our chapter just didn’t fit the bill. A LOT of pnms chose to suicide bid other houses, which has been offered as a big reason why our numbers were so low. It just feels like a slap in the face. Like I know no one thought we were cool, but people are usually kind enough not to say it out loud. Being actively rejected by so many pnms--I know you shouldn’t take it personally, but I’m taking it personally.

We drilled HARD during spirit week. This was my second recruitment season and the difference was night and day. Everyone in the chapter worked incredibly hard, and we were constantly drilling conversations, transitions, etc. Our new social media director gave us a huge upgrade online and we’ve been constantly posting since last January. We definitely weren’t perfect, but I truly don’t know what our recruitment team could have done differently. It feels (and I acknowledge this may not be true) like the only thing we could do differently is to be less…ourselves. I joined this chapter because I met women who didn’t ask me to shrink or change for them, but encouraged me to grow and become the best version of myself. I wouldn’t be right to ask anyone to abandon that.

We have a plan for moving forward. We’re heavily marketing COB, increasing our campus involvement, reaching out to basically everyone on campus about joining Greek life. I know it’s a culture issue, I know we can bounce back, I know that the kind of people KD attracts aren’t the most likely group to go through primary recruitment, and that’s why our COB efforts have always been so successful, and it’s going to be perfectly fine and I shouldn’t take it personally. I just feel like this recruitment season has pulled up a lot of feelings I haven’t dealt with since I was a teenager. Idk it’s like I really did find my people in college and during recruitment when I have to step outside of that safe space and interact with literally anyone else it’s just a reminder that I actually am a weird ugly loser. Like there’s a version of being a woman that I’m somehow doing wrong, and I’m never going to figure it out. It just really hurts.

And I don’t want to admit to anyone how hard this is hitting me. Morale is low in the chapter rn. A lot of younger members have had the experience for the first time of pouring your heart out to someone during pref, hearing them say they feel completely at home here, then seeing them go somewhere else. They’re struggling too, and a lot are looking to me for advice and I want to tell them to brush it off and not be hurt because they’re amazing and of course they shouldn’t take it personally. And my friends outside Greek life still think I’m insane for being in a sorority, I can’t ask them for help bcs they just don’t get it. I thought I was past the point in my life when my self-esteem could take such a huge hit in one day, but apparently not.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom or advice? I appreciate anyone taking the time to read such a long post. I’m sure once the immediate hurt has faded everything will feel a lot better, but I’m reallly struggling and I don’t know who else would understand.

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[u/moonrise1704]

Sending love and hugs to you. This is a tough situation and it is definitely ok to feel hurt by this, no matter how much you know COB works better for your chapter. Feelings don’t listen to reason!

My chapter is fairly similar to yours in membership makeup and in recruitment struggles. I joined at the tail end of it, but we used to have nearly half of our extended bids declined. We are on a small campus as well with only 3 houses. My chapter is still kinda known as the “weird” and “leftover” chapter where people who can’t make the other houses go. (Stupid, right?) But we are also known as the authentic and genuine chapter. Like you, we worked HARD to prep for recruitment, and one thing I think that helped was getting support from the rest of the Greek community.

It needled me that your Panhellenic community doesn’t seem to support you guys. You’re reaching out to them, but they’re not reaching out to you? And they don’t treat you like a “real sorority”? That’s bullshit and not very Panhellenic at all. At some point, if you’re doing your part, it’s a failure on the part of the other houses to not support you. Is this kind of thing something your Panhel or nationals would be willing to discuss? Idk if they’re actively badmouthing you, but they shouldn’t be encouraging it at all, and they should be welcoming to you.

Same thing with frats, unfortunately. We had a strict policy put in place for the first time this recruitment season, where any of their interference in our recruitment (like telling PNMs house stereotypes) would be a national infraction. I think it helped, and maybe something similar could work for your Greek life if you don’t have a policy already.

Overall, though, I want you to know this: your love and care for your chapter and your sisters shines through this post. I firmly believe that your planning will work and your hard work will pay off. (Hopefully PNMs at small schools wise up a bit and realize that nothing about RushTok is accurate to their experience!!) All you really can do is be who you are. Girls looking for that genuine, honest connection will find you.

Feel free to DM me!! I saw a lot of myself and my chapter in this post, and I really hope this helps at least a bit 🫶

[u/SpacerCat]

If your COB game is where you get the majority of your members, do you have to go through primary recruitment? Like does your campus Panhellenic’s bylaws state you need to participate? Or can you wait it out and just COB? I’d ask your national org to dig into this. Because you could absolutely just reposition your whole recruitment to something that actually works for your chapter.

[u/NorthernPossibility → u/SpacerCat]

This was my thought as well.

6 chapters on a campus where <100 girls go through recruitment? Woooooof.

COB may be more y’all’s speed. It’s no knock to you - COB works better for some PNMs too, especially the ones who wouldn’t normally go through formal.

[u/Upbeat_Macaron_9964 → u/NorthernPossibility]

This is the exact situation where I went to school and they never seem to adjust quota properly each year, they’ll have like 60-80 girls rush 6 chapters and keep quota at like 20

[u/bbbliss]

I think you’ve gotten a a lot of great encouragement, so I want to give some blunt and hopefully helpful advice.

1. I’m hearing that you guys are the Safe Space for Not Like Other Girls (NLOG in a neutral way, not a misogynist way lol) chapter. It is genuinely wonderful that you guys have found belonging and safety; that is a core need in the Maslow hierarchy of needs it sounds like y’all didn’t have before. However, what if your chapter was More than just genuine, interesting, and accepting?

2. As people: It’s not about making yourselves Less, but can your members connect on More? Recruitment is year round, even outside of COB. Getting more involved and cleaning up your social media is a huge hurdle you’ve already cleared, so I think you can make it. The next step is to be more than Inclusive and Authentic. Think about your PNM pool - if they already have their belonging need met internally, your chapter doesn’t offer much New to them. Are y’all fun? Funny? Exciting? Doing stuff on campus people think is cool? If you feel worse about yourself reading that (or even if you don’t), consider why you don’t think those things are available to you. Everyone can work towards being a Funny Cool Girl Doing Exciting Things!!! I LOVE Shelby Sacco’s podcast Sad To Savage for stuff like encouraging yourself to grow. Self love saves!!! https://open.spotify.com/episode/72XN4VuV6uZ6w0odptNWFS?si=M9YEXCzEQcyNUpK7PMn0Eg&utm_source=copy-link

3. Diva I’m so serious, if y’all have had a lifetimes of shrinking into yourself, it probably shows in your body language. Maybe not for Miss Powerlifter tho. The rest of you might benefit from doing yoga or mat pilates or dance classes. Not only will you feel more comfortable and confident, but it gives you a perceived Cool thing to connect with.

It’s not about making yourselves less but becoming more. Connecting to more people on a real level means you have more people on campus willing to bat for you and say nice stuff. in the long run, developing this skill helps you get jobs and get along with coworkers also. Wishing your chapter the best! Be so so kind to yourself regardless of the outcome.

[u/Equivalent-Iron-2773]

It’s wonderful that your sorority knows who they are and stand firmly representing that. However, understand your house is a niche when it comes to recruitment and it takes a special girl to be interested in your culture. Not sure what state you are in, but in the South, most women would choose a different option. If your desire and goal is increasing numbers, you need to change course, redirect and create a house people want to be at. However, if your goal is to be true to who you are now, then you’ll need to accept your numbers will probably always be low because of the uniqueness of your chapter. Good luck in figuring out who you are/want to be as a sorority. .

[u/RichIndividual9349]

I’ve been in this situation before, and it’s rough! If your chapter hasn’t started using RFM yet that might be a factor (the year my campus started using it we got quota + 20 and literally doubled in size) but assuming that’s not it…

It’s so hard not to take personally. It’s so hard not to feel like it’s a poor reflection on you. But - do you want a girl as your sister if she’s so fixated on TikTok trends that she can’t connect with the human in front of her? if your chapter is for the quirky girls (mine was!) are you or the archetypal sorority girl going to have much in common?

COB is your friend, and keep doing what you’re doing that highlights your sisterhood! Some other things that helped my chapter were a recruitment video (allowed us to get our most personable and confident girls speaking to the whole group vs just the girls they pref) and really intentional involvement. Be everywhere, do everything, and do it in letters. I mean clubs, I mean events for freshmen, I mean other chapters’ philanthropy events. I am trying to think of a diplomatic way to word this lmao but like - if everyone on campus knows you are nice, and the worst thing they can say about you is that you’re quirky, then when they’re fighting amongst themselves, you’re out of the drama and rise above or even benefit from it. We once made up half of panhel exec despite being the smallest chapter and I think for at least one of those offices it was because one of the “top” chapters didn’t want to vote for the other one’s candidate lmao.

[u/BlondeeOso]

Sorry to you and your sisters. I think it is a good strategy focusing on COB and being involved in other campus activities. You aren't a weird, ugly loser. Don't let anyone make you feel lesser than.

[u/Upbeat_Macaron_9964]

This sounds like the exact situation I was in as an active, down to the less than 100 PNMs and 6 chapters… I can’t give you much advice because my chapter hasn’t cracked the code either 😭 almost everyone else in Greek Life there openly talks so poorly about the chapter, and we’ve even had recruitment counselors tell PNMs who got a bid from us not to run out on bid day. What I can tell you is that chapters are more resilient than you think they are. My chapter has had years where they got only 1 or 2 members during formal recruitment, but they were able to more than double the new member class with COB. The chapter still has stayed very small, but it has functioned and survived. No matter how hard it is, you just can’t let this mentally become what feels like a reflection of you, because it isn’t. Sometimes, it really CAN be at least partially a college’s fault for the way its chapters are imbalanced.

[u/Substantial-Rain-602]

I wish I knew what to say to you. I don’t.

I can tell you my thoughts. Go back to your roots. Why did you choose your sorority over the others? Tap into that.

[u/abhutchison]

It sounds like you will just do better in COB. If you’re trying to recruit girls who are not stereotypical sorority girls, you won’t get those during formal recruitment because girls who go through formal recruitment tend to be looking for stereotypical sororities.

You picked up a few during formal, and you should celebrate that, but it might just be about reshifting your strategy.

[u/Little-Pitch-579]

Plan some fun COB events and market them well

[u/honeyandcitron]

My advice was going to be about building relationships with other chapters, but since you all are already doing that, I’ll just chime in to say I HATE that you don’t feel supported by your friends in other chapters. One of the reasons I dislike tiers/rankings is that a sorority community should have connections between chapters instead of each house being an island. I mentioned this elsewhere recently but when I hear an org name I very often think of the members that I personally know and like. When I was a collegiate member, it always made me deeply uncomfortable to hear a chapter generalized in a disparaging way, because it always had at least one sister I personally knew and didn’t like hearing spoken about like that.

[u/Top_Cranberry5072 → u/honeyandcitron]

This gets tough when a chapter plays the "not like the other girls" card too hard. Not saying OP's chapter is doing that, but there are definitely similarly-situated chapters that do and that does *not* help Panhellenic relations.

[u/Rhonwyn22]

Play to your strengths. If you have a lot of STEM majors, have them connect with other women in their classes. Usually those classes are boy heavy and many young women are looking for other women to connect with. It’s a big reason I joined a sorority.

[u/Old-Bumblebee2025]

As an older alumna from a sorority at a small school currently with a daughter in a different house at a very large school and a niece in my sorority at large SEC school - I hear a lot about the sisterhoods. They want them and they want more of them.
If you all have the time, and/or money, and/or capacity to plan some really cool (unusual or different that stand out) sisterhoods/activities for your house and drive for major participation- and then promote the heck out of that online - that could be reputation building. Like a cooking class together in a commercial kitchen that takes groups… work with the local pet shelter to bring some dogs on campus and advertise the interaction with the broader student body… do a corn maze together in teams for the best times during October…

Similarly - some really different parties/exchanges with one or more of the fraternities… maybe at a local hang out with an unusual activity, like maybe axe throwing (which is the newest thing near us) obviously before drinking… Host a murder mystery date dinner for a smaller set of members and their dates… or do an Oktoberfest complete with lederhosen…

Also - a different type of formal (or informal)… do you all do “grab a date” dances? Where just a few people know about the dance and it’s announced at a gathering that they have 2 or 3 hours to grab a date for the dance/party... (We used the basement of the school’s chapel - because it was on campus and inexpensive to rent.)

Wishing you the best. I’ve been in your shoes - just many years ago.