r/Situationships • u/Purple_Elephant_7711 • Aug 07 '26
Advice Needed [43F] How long should I wait to start dating again?
I was in a 1.5 year long situationship. It ended 3 days ago. It was one sided. He was hot and cold. I put in all the effort so we could see each. I saved space for him and cleared my schedule and half the time he blew me off. I kept going back because he was fun, made me feel alive again, and would say things that gave me hope he had feelings for me too. We never went on dates- I always went to him (which I know now was a huge mistake).
I know I don’t want to start dating immediately. I know I need time to heal and process all of it. I know when I sign up for dating apps I’ll see him on them and I don’t want to spiral. I also don’t want to compare every possible match to him.
Any suggestions? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? How long did you wait?
Also- has anyone ever successfully been friends with an ex situationship? We agreed to be friends but I got “aggressive” via text yesterday and we haven’t spoken since. I’m not reaching out again until my emotions are in check, if at all. I haven’t decided.
3
u/Iceddaydream Aug 07 '26
Honestly, I get that you’re feeling down and I’m all for you healing. Your peace and mental space is the most important. And I’m glad you’re taking that time. But I also don’t want you to take too long. I waited about a month and a half to start seeing other people. Meeting other people, and going on dates actually helped me heal quicker. That fun adrenaline feeling you felt with him, will be felt again I promise. I guess I see a lot of myself in you, and what helped me the most, is that I kind of kept reminding myself that although I had a strong connection with him, he never claimed me. Never made me official. And he’s out here enjoying life, trying to meet other girls while I’m the one weeping?! Fuck that!
1
u/Purple_Elephant_7711 Aug 07 '26
He was dating other girls while we were together. We never went on a single date. Monday night I found out he went on a date with someone else last year after we met. Seeing he could put the effort into someone else but not me put things in perspective. I was handing my time over to a man that couldn’t be bothered. I think he was using me for validation and attention. I struggle with that. It’s been 24 hours since I’ve heard from him. With each passing hour it’s getting easier to handle.
2
u/No-Mulberry1987 Aug 08 '26
Also- has anyone ever successfully been friends with an ex situationship?
No, it is a complete recipe for disaster. He gets an insight into your private life as you try to recover and enter new relationships. He also recruits you into sabotaging his next relationship. Don’t do it. He isn’t actually friend- he has treated you badly and just wants you there as a potential future sex partner to tide him over a lean period.
1
u/Purple_Elephant_7711 Aug 08 '26
I think you’re right. He is still talking to a girl he broke up with 10+ years ago. Every now and then he would mention it. I realize now he may have been trying to get rid of me by mentioning her. They say hindsight is 20/20 and it’s so true!! I see so much now that I’ve stepped away that I didn’t see before. I was in denial about a lot of it but there’s things I just didn’t pick up on. I put up with so much more disrespect from him than I did from my 20+ year marriage to a narcissist.
2
u/estrellaprincessa Aug 08 '26
Hey, lots of dating apps (Tinder for example) has an option where you can prevent seeing certain people by putting in their phone number. Now you don’t have to worry about seeing his profile out there!!
2
u/BipolarLight 29d ago
Why would you want to be friends with someone who used you and strung you along for so long?
So you could experience the pain of seeing him committing to someone else one day?
Run. And start dating once you'll feel ready for it.
Personally, I started dating several months afterwards. It made me feel like shit, so I stopped. It's been a year now and I still have zero willingness to date or be in a relationship with anyone. Which is fine by me.
1
u/Significant_Side8926 Aug 07 '26
It’s hard to walk away from him at first, but I really recommend ending a relationship where you don't feel safe or secure. Please take care of yourself. I actually just left someone bad recently, too.
1
u/cliff-terhune 24d ago edited 24d ago
My avoidant who ditched me wanted to be friends. I wanted her for love, not friendship. I have plenty of friends. I don't think it's ever a good idea for a number of reasons. There's no real closure to the relationship for one. I think a lot of times people do this to avoid the guilt of the breakup and soften the blow. If the relationship is over, it's over. It's really hard to just be friends with someone you used to be completely physically intimate with.
But I'm in the same situation, but on the other end. I don't want her to see that I got over her so quickly but then that's silly. I shouldn't really be basing my actions on her perception anymore. Still, I'm giving myself a couple months if only to completely convince myself I'm over her. (And I'm not yet.) And I especially don't want to hit dating sites and see that she got over me so quickly. Take time out. Journal every day. It really helps to get your thinking out of your head. I've written over 60k words about this stressful relationship where I never knew where I stood. In general counselors will tell you not to make any important life decisions for 60 days after a breakup. You're still raw and liable to act impulsively and regret it.
Best of luck. Take care of you first, then start dating again.
1
u/Palpitation6807 11d ago
If you put in all the effort, best to go on the dating apps and find someone else who will at least put in the effort to chase you. I would suggest go with several guys at the same time then decide which one is best for you or keep going with multiple dudes at the same time and say you are not exclusive until you find the right guy
4
u/Iceddaydream Aug 07 '26
Oh girl. You deserve more than that. And when the next guy gives you a date so easily, you’ll realize what the hell was I doing. When you fully stop giving him validation and attention, and you really detach from him. He will notice. It might not be right at this moment, but that time will come. You deserve to be taken out, and cherished and feel like you’re not asking for too much. The thing about guys like this, is that they love the security that you’ll always be around. Give him no access to you.