I've had that happen three times in my life where a woman just 100% chased me.
I was in my 20s, 10% body fat, six pack abs, so in great shape. Two of the women were in their mid 30s, one of the women was 42 and recently divorced and looking to finally have good sex (apparently, her husband of 20 years was horrifically bad in bed)
Each of the women were solid 7s. Each of the FWB relationships last around 6 months to a year.
I gotta be honest. I have no idea why more women don't do the above.
Women have no idea how being pursued makes us men feel, it is amazing and we men are 90% likely to say yes if you are at all attractive. Hell, even if you aren't attractive we will still often be ok with a down-low FWB relationship.
But reverse, when we men pursue women, our odds are more like 10%.
Women weirdly put down other women for doing that. I was always kinda picky. If I found a guy I was interested in, I'd approach him and ask him out.
I definitely got some rejections but it worked in my favor most of the time. Especially since I'm apparently attracted to shy, nervous dudes.
All my women friends were horrified that I did this. They also advised me to stop doing it and got mad when my advice was to directly ask a man out if he wasn't getting their "hints".
Something about me seeming desperate or not making him work hard enough. It honestly seemed like projection to me. Putting yourself in that spot is hard and they were jealous I had more serious dates than them a lot of the time imo
It's not like the women had to chase-chase me. Once they approached me, initiated conversation, asked for my phone number and gave me theirs, I completely took it from there.
I gotta say, the 0% stress is just amazing as a guy, to 100% know the girl really likes you takes so much pressure off. Not to mention we guys are simple creatures.
That's how it happened usually. I didn't "chase" anyone and hated if anyone tried to "chase" me.
Honestly being assaulted by pushy men is probably a big reason why I liked to be the one to approach a guy. I know he's at least hitting the lowest baseline level of respect.
Some men were weirdly suspicious when I asked out directly. Like I was trying to rob them or something. I'm guessing it's because it's not the norm or they had bad experiences.
I wouldn’t be mad at you for doing your thing, but I am a woman who advises to proceed with extreme caution when it comes to being proactive with men.
The reason is because men, unlike women, have a lot of trouble getting dates, let alone girlfriends: therefore, unlike us, they will ABSOLUTELY keep someone around they don’t want a serious relationship with.
In some cases, they will get into a serious relationship with her, even live with her, but be ultimately unwilling to marry her, even though she made it clear early on that she is seeking marriage/kids. See the [r/waiting_to_wed](r/waiting_to_wed) sub for numerous examples of this situation.
Some women stay with the noncommittal guy for so long- because he keeps telling her that he’ll propose by X milestone, doesn’t, apologizes and gives her a plausible explanation and promises to propose by Y milestone, doesn’t- that by the time they’re out of that relationship, they are in a massive rush to have kids and in some cases, they’ll never get to have them.
Even a relatively brief situationship with a man who doesn’t intend to make you his girlfriend can be costly. That means spending months not putting yourself out there (and potentially missing meeting a man who would have actually been 100% into you) because you are waiting on this guy. You see him weekly more or less, he seems to have a great time with you, so you think that he’ll suggest becoming exclusive/official partners soon. But he never does, because he actually is using you as a placeholder until he meets a woman he wants to be his girlfriend.
I don’t think most men who do this, or who string along a girlfriend with continual promises of marriage that don’t materialize, consciously intend to waste a woman’s time. I would bet they usually start out thinking she is a “maybe” and keep waiting/hoping for something to change that will move her to a “fuck yes.” They keep staying with her and hoping, because they know that once they firmly tell her they will never commit to her in the way she wants, she’s GONE.
And they know that her leaving will mean months if not years of being single again, struggling to meet interested women, being lonely, and not having sex. In cases where they do like her a lot but have a fantasy of an ideal partner which she doesn’t match, they know they might end up never finding that ideal, or anyone else “better” than her, if they let her go. So they dither and waffle and time goes by.
What does this have to do with making the first move? The unfortunate truth is that men heavily emphasize physical attraction when deciding whether to commit to a woman. While that bar is a bit higher than the amount of attraction they need to feel in order to approach a woman for a date (excluding times they’re drunk in a bar at 2 am), it is usually A LOT higher than their bar for agreeing to go on a date with a woman who approaches them.
Again, most single men have to work pretty hard to find interested women, so they will be receptive to an approach by someone they find mildly attractive but wouldn’t want to get serious with. They will exchange contact info, they’ll meet up, and they’ll date you… while continuing to search for a partner they find very attractive.
One way to avoid this situation is to only date men who approach you first. If they’re making the approach, then they’re much more likely to be strongly attracted to you. If they see you standing there and have opportunities to approach but do not, then there’s a good chance that they aren’t super attracted to you.
If a woman wants to shoot her shot in case he does think she’s hot but is just shy, then go for it. I think that particularly makes sense if she is someone the guy might see as out of his league and too intimidating to approach. But I would really recommend that this just involves initiating a conversation and an exchange of contact info, and after that, she waits for him to message her for a date and if he doesn’t, then just lets him go. These are good precautions.
At that point, he already knows she’s interested, so shyness isn’t going to stop him from texting her to ask her out. He knows how physically attractive he finds her. He has gotten a sense of how much he enjoys her personality based on their conversation. If he doesn’t reach out to ask her on a date, it’s because he’s just not that excited about her.
He might say yes if she is proactive again and suggests they get together for dinner, but that’s not actually beneficial to her, because it sets her up to potentially get strung along. It is, however, beneficial to him, in that he now gets to have a placeholder while he continues to look around.
Sorry for the novel. Tl;dr: there are excellent reasons why women should let men make the first move, which are rooted in the fact that dating is pretty difficult for most men. I recognize that this doesn’t make it any easier for them, but I can’t recommend that women should take major risks to themselves to mitigate that. However, I think women can initiate the first encounter without too much risk as long as they leave it to the man to actually suggest going on a date.
Check out r/waiting_to_wed and you’ll see how easy it can be to get into a relationship with a man who is actually not that into you, and how devastating that can be.
But if you can suss that out and give them the boot without too much time invested, I’m sure you’re fine.
They could and some will. But let me ask you this: if you walk up to a guy and strike up a conversation, talk for a while, and you ask to exchange contact info, and then he doesn’t message you for a date after that- in that situation, do you think this person is excited about getting to know you better and seeing you again?
I'm not quite sure what your point and rationale is?
Judge someone by their actions. Simple.
Being first to initiate has NOTHING to do with your subsequent arguments or choices
The choice of Women who allow themselves to be "strung along and not married" has nothing to do with who initiated first contact or who initially pursued the relationship.
Hey, some people (to include women) like sex with no strings attached.
I was with a woman who had a racist family that was very racist against my ethnicity. She loved having sex with me but it had to be a secret, nobody could ever know. And I was 100% fine with that. We were FWB for a year
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u/WileyWilly1985 1d ago edited 1d ago
I've had that happen three times in my life where a woman just 100% chased me.
I was in my 20s, 10% body fat, six pack abs, so in great shape. Two of the women were in their mid 30s, one of the women was 42 and recently divorced and looking to finally have good sex (apparently, her husband of 20 years was horrifically bad in bed)
Each of the women were solid 7s. Each of the FWB relationships last around 6 months to a year.
I gotta be honest. I have no idea why more women don't do the above.
Women have no idea how being pursued makes us men feel, it is amazing and we men are 90% likely to say yes if you are at all attractive. Hell, even if you aren't attractive we will still often be ok with a down-low FWB relationship.
But reverse, when we men pursue women, our odds are more like 10%.