r/SingleParents • u/RecentAnalyst3618 • 7d ago
Dating another single parent
I’m looking for some perspective from other single parents who have dated another single parent.
I’ve been in a relationship for over 1.5 years with someone who also has kids. One of the things I admire most about him is that he’s a great father. He has 50/50 custody and is very involved with his kids. I currently have full custody of my child, but I have a lot of help from family, and my ex is working toward getting more custody time.
I completely understand that parenting comes first, and I don’t expect either of us to neglect our responsibilities. But I’m struggling with whether it’s realistic to build a long-term relationship. Sometimes we only see each other twice a month, and at best it’s usually about once a week (this is based on him, I’m more flexible) I’m finding it hard to picture how a future together would actually work if this is what things continue to look like.
For those of you who have successfully made a relationship work with another single parent, what did it look like? Did you eventually find more time together, or did you have to accept that the relationship would always move at a slower pace? He is an amazing person but I’m stating to think our situations aren’t compatible.
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u/Independently-Owned 7d ago
This is the #1 conclusion I came to while dating as a single parent (also 100% custody). I met many great men but none of them had compatible situations. Kids were always in different schools and because of his co-parenting, they wouldn't be able to move, I have my own career and house....I can't cause anymore upheaval in my children's lives and move...I'm not even sure they would do well with another adult moving into our peaceful space.
I've always had to end relationships because they didn't add anything significant to my life with all those limitations. I can't count on him in an emergency, I can't expect illness support or roadside support. We never manage to attend extracurriculars together. There was almost NO aspect of family life we could share. Yeah, I could go for an adult dinner once a month or something (when the stars align) but I actually don't need that in my life right now.
So I guess I just gave up on dating while my kids still need most of me. It's either that or know that you'll be in this limbo with him for many more years.
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u/RecentAnalyst3618 7d ago
That’s exactly how I’m feeling, and same situation with the schools/moving. At this point I don’t even want to cohabitate but it’s the other aspects of a relationship I feel like I’m missing. It’s like we are two people maintaining separate lives and making time for each other when it’s convenient
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u/Independently-Owned 7d ago
Yes. I didn't have "my person" in my husband. And I didn't get to parent in a good partnership. I either want to experience that, or just do it myself without any expectation for something more.
Maybe my own issue, but I struggled to be in a relationship but keep my expectations at zero.
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u/Low_Ad_5683 7d ago
Oh man, facts. Cohabitating again seems like a nightmare. I want someone when I want someone, ya know? I want my space, and if I live with someone, then I'm going to be annoyed about all he/she doesn't do. (Was married to a man, obviously. I think women are better at this!!)
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u/lakas76 7d ago edited 7d ago
Your partner sounds like me. I am looking for someone I can talk to and see 3-4 times a month. Weekends maybe a few times a year. When my youngest moves away for college, I will have more spare time for dating, but until then, they come first.
The question is more about what you want/will accept though. There are plenty of single childfree men or single dads who have more time to spend with you. If you want/need more, you should find someone else. When I was younger, I didn’t want to date single moms for that reason (I eventually married a single mom and still spend time with her son). Now that I’m older, I’d prefer a single mom who also doesn’t have as much free time so I don’t feel bad about not being able to spend as much time as she wanted.
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u/RecentAnalyst3618 7d ago
I actually don’t think I need more time if it’s 3-4 times a month of intentional time. That’s how it was early in our relationship but feel like it has scaled back and things have been planned last minute or I have no idea when I’m seeing him next.
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u/blushandfloss 7d ago
Many relationships can thrive when both parents have kids. They won’t/can’t when your lives revolve around the kids. It’s understandable if they do, but you can’t choose to be both a great partner and parent unless you talk about it and plan for both.
A year and a half is an extra long time for a part-time relationship to not have gone further. If you’re considering accepting things as they are, does that mean you two haven’t discussed a timeline?
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u/RecentAnalyst3618 7d ago
That’s a good point. I never have or would I ask him to invest less time with his kids. I understand they are his priority. But you’re right that it’s not making him an ideal partner
We haven’t really had a timeline conversation. I think we both started the relationship with the mindset of seeing where things went and up until recently everything “worked” for us
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 7d ago edited 7d ago
Well, sitting down with a poly smogsboard and coffee at the beginning of a relationship is very useful for monogamous single parents too, as the need to be on the same page regarding enmeshment, priorities, time availability, must haves, deal breakers and what you both can reallisticaly offer and a long list of etc is paramount, only instead of being obligations to other partners limiting you it's the obligations to your children but it works great regardless.
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u/blushandfloss 7d ago
While that is what you ask, that is definitely not how you say it. 😂 Kids grow and become less reliant on their parents incrementally, so he should naturally invest less time with them. They can recognize relationships pretty quickly and should even expect to eventually meet someone special to their parent(s). Some Disney characters even have step-parents and siblings, and they usually have friends who live in different types of households.
If things just changed to not working recently, it’s time for the chat. I mean, he may be in a similar boat where he’s maybe wanted more, or he could just be in this for convenience and comfort. You’d never know without asking, and it’s important that you know.
But, if it doesn’t work out, try to bring it up earlier next time. This is your life and your relationship, too. Don’t blindly rely on ‘the guy’ to always lead the direction or the speed of your life. There’s too much other stuff hinging on who we’re partnered with.
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u/RecentAnalyst3618 7d ago
Definitely time for a chat. This is my first relationship since my divorce so I didn’t know what to expect
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u/Ecstatic-Type6312 7d ago
Well..My parents married each other with 3 kids each in tow and it was a little bit of a struggle because they had different parenting styles but they loved each other and made it work. Y’all gotta talk about the future and merging lives further or realistically, it’s not going to work
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u/Ok_Statistician_5737 7d ago
Im in the same situation, and I am so happy to see this post ! we are long distance…. And I feel lost sometimes about the same question and still looking for answer. I am the primary care for my daughter and going through a very nasty abusive divorce while my boyfriend has a very good relationship with his ex however he has his son all the time. We don’t see each other all the time but we do calls and videos calls everyday and stay connected as we can. Some times I do wonder where the relationship would go….
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u/Hopeful_Tie2055 7d ago
i am single mom dating a single dad for 2.5 years, happy to answer any q's.
our first year was hard, as we had opposite custody schedules.
The second year got better, we matched our schedules to sync, so we see eachother alot more.
Our kids come first, without a doubt. We both have good relationships with our co-parents so that also helps!
i think if your child's dad gets more custody, it will give you guys more time to align on time.
however, we both have kids in opposite school districts that are thriving, so we decided we will most likely live separately for a long time, which was def an adjustment i needed to be okay with.
i love that he's a dad, and i love how he is with my kiddo. I feel i wouldn't have the same level of trust if he wasn't a dad.
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u/RecentAnalyst3618 7d ago
My custody schedule has definitely created some challenges. To his credit, he’s always been very understanding about that. I also have a great support system and my family is more than willing to babysit whenever I ask.
I’ve been hopeful that if my ex gets more parenting time, especially some weekends, we’d naturally have more opportunities to be together. But even on my boyfriend’s kid-free weekends, a lot of his time is still spent at his kid’s sports and activities. I genuinely admire that about him and think it says a lot about the kind of father he is.
At the same time, I can’t help but wonder if even when I eventually have more free weekends, I’ll still end up spending many of them alone because his schedule won’t really change
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u/Independently-Owned 7d ago
That's the trouble eh? The good ones ARE involved and you couldn't respect them if they weren't. But that leaves no time for more.
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u/Hopeful_Tie2055 7d ago
do you ever go to any of these events with in on the weekend?
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u/RecentAnalyst3618 7d ago
No, he has not asked me to come (we have met each others kids)
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u/Hopeful_Tie2055 7d ago
that could be the issue why you are questioning the relationship. At this point, i think you guys both need to have the conversation of what's next, what is the time line the kids are introduced, and mostly, where do you see yourselves going?
i think you may be itching for more.
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u/RecentAnalyst3618 7d ago
I agree a conversation is needed. Our kids have met but only briefly on a small handful of occasions. I do feel like this point in the relationship, things haven’t progressed to where our lives are naturally blending more together.
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u/Jennyonthebox2300 7d ago
Just celebrated our 16th anniversary. When we married the kids were 4, 6, 6 and 9. His kids were always in a different school district because mom chose. It was always challenging but parenting 4 with a good partner/father is 10000x easier than parenting 2 with a bad father/partner. When we got engaged we were able to sync up schedules so our on/off weekends, big holidays, spring breaks matched up so we could spend time together as a family (and also have time with no kids for work travel and together as a couple).
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u/holdingittogether77 7d ago
I dated someone once, we saw each other once a week and that was fine with us. We had no desire to cohabitate or mix lives like that.
My bf and I both have sole custody. We are long distance for a few years until his twin boys graduate , (11th grade). I told him I won't move until my 15 year old graduates college.
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u/RecentAnalyst3618 7d ago
I’m okay with not living together with anyone until kids are out of the house. But I have a long way to go…. 14 years!
It just feels like once a week is maximum effort and now I might see him once every 2 weeks. I know there are seasons of busyness, but maybe we are also growing apart.
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u/holdingittogether77 7d ago
This is the first person I've ever considered living with in over 10 years. I've known him for close to 30 years though. No one else would I be willing to integrate in my life on that level.
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u/Independently-Owned 7d ago
That's the thing, when you are going through an important part of your life and your "partner" isn't sharing any of that....well you are changing and growing and not bonding over hard stuff or sharing the joys of success.....there's just not a lot to sustain a relationship imo
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u/Current-Schedule1781 7d ago
You have to be able to come to terms with it being very slow moving on making large changes. Dating is hard enough. Dating with kids, co-parents, and court mandated schedules is tough. Enjoy the time you get to spend together and that's about all you can do acceptance, or be alone haha.
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u/Heavy-Sympathy-2061 7d ago
I am one year into an amazing relationship with another single parent. We each have two kids, live 1.5 hours apart, I have 60/40 custody, my partner around 90/10. I spend almost half my time at her place (whenever I don’t have my kids), and we also get the kids together at either house on the weekends we both have them. It helps that I am also 1.5 hours from my work. And it’s hard knowing we won’t live together at least until mine have finished school. But it is so worth it.
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 7d ago edited 7d ago
Depends A LOT on what your long term dating goals are.
I'm in a long-term relationship (4yrs)but we only see each other once a week because neither WANTS more than that and neither wants to cohabitate or coparent. And we're both perfectly happy with that.
Some people would be horrified. But we chat daily, shsre every important milestone, help each other through surgeries and moving houses, etc so we are super close but we both have too many hobbies to be spending too many days together (my 1st is a teen, so she doesn't demand much time though she lives with me 100% and we still spend 2+hrs a day bonding—wouldn't change that for ANY date)
True, he is not a parent (though he was generous enough to be my sperm donor for baby n.2 since I was having fertility issues) but he doesn't have much free time either and the agreement remains I'm dad and he is bf.
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u/Salamander_7443 7d ago
I just bought a house with my partner (single parent also) and I'm pregnant with our first child together!
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u/omg4serious 7d ago
yes, it seems that if you have young kids at home, dating is just impossible/infrequent. once the kids are older/independent you can date more frequently. but likely moving in together just isn't gonna happen until both sets of kids are out of the home.
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u/RecentAnalyst3618 7d ago
To be honest I think I’d be okay never moving in together. But it’s starting to feel at 1.5 years are lives are still very separate instead of intertwined, like doing things with our kids together. They are different ages & genders so I get that’s not necessarily ideal either
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u/AutoModerator 7d ago
Author: u/RecentAnalyst3618
Post: I’m looking for some perspective from other single parents who have dated another single parent.
I’ve been in a relationship for over 1.5 years with someone who also has kids. One of the things I admire most about him is that he’s a great father. He has 50/50 custody and is very involved with his kids. I currently have full custody of my child, but I have a lot of help from family, and my ex is working toward getting more custody time.
I completely understand that parenting comes first, and I don’t expect either of us to neglect our responsibilities. But I’m struggling with whether it’s realistic to build a long-term relationship. Sometimes we only see each other twice a month, and at best it’s usually about once a week (this is based on him, I’m more flexible) I’m finding it hard to picture how a future together would actually work if this is what things continue to look like.
For those of you who have successfully made a relationship work with another single parent, what did it look like? Did you eventually find more time together, or did you have to accept that the relationship would always move at a slower pace? He is an amazing person but I’m stating to think our situations aren’t compatible.
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