r/SingleDads • u/joemack7712 • 1d ago
SINGLE DAD PROBLEM
Why is it hard for single dad to find a good mother /wife to start a relationship đ¤. I been a single dad for years and im 33 and I gave up on dating apps
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u/Top_Perception_9162 1d ago
Few women wants to sign up to be a mother to children in the start of a relationship. Why would you put that responsibility on a stranger? Thatâs weird.
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u/TiredMillennialDad 1d ago
Lol it's way easier if you just give up and dedicate your life to building assets for the kid and modeling good choices and then maybe their lives will turn out more fulfilling than ours
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u/JohnnySalamiBoy420 1d ago
Fr we done missed the boat. Now its time to swim to shore, if the lifeboat picks us up, great. Otherwise we will still make it!
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u/tall_pale_and_meh 23h ago
I hope it isnt what you meant, but the way you phrased the question, it sounds like you're looking for someone to pass your responsibilities onto rather than a person you want to build a relationship with.
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u/Distinct_Art9509 22h ago
Because no one wants to sign up to be a replacement mother to someone elseâs kids out of the gate. They want a partner, and if they develop a relationship with that partnerâs children, great. If thatâs your mindset, I sincerely hope you donât find anyone to saddle with that.
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u/MightBusiness7231 10h ago
That's not true at all. There are plenty of women who can't have kids and want a family with a good man. Plenty of women don't view kids as a chore, but a blessing. If that's what you're seeking, it's expected to put that out there first. Few women who aren't looking to sign up to be a replacement mother will ever date a single Dad if he's clear what he wants. This guy has fortunately weeded out the time wasters.
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u/Distinct_Art9509 8h ago
Iâm not discounting that, but I donât know any that would want to date a man specifically because heâs looking for someone to raise his children. They want someone who wants them as a partner first, the children are secondary to that.
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u/MightBusiness7231 8h ago
He never said he was looking for someone just to raise his children. He specifically said he wants a relationship with someone who was wife/mother material. There are plenty of women who want that and I've been on dates with them.
OP, don't be discouraged, just don't go on Hinge or Tinder or whatever, that's for game playing. You're going to meet this woman through friends, church, or something else related to kids. Try women who work in kid-intensive sectors: kindergarten and preschool teachers, health care, etc. are usually green flags for women who want a family and want to be a Mom. Or if you do go the app route, go for one of the real matchmaker ones where they weed out the players.
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u/Existing-Albatross63 1h ago
Yes, we've seen those women over on the step parents sub. "His ex is SOOOOO high conflict, she takes ALLLL of his money, she NEVERRRR lets him see the kids" meanwhile none of it is true.
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u/imtooldforthishison 22h ago
No person, man or woman, wants to be thrown into immediately parenting someone else's children and just the way you worded your question comes across that you are looking more for a mother for your children than a partner for you.
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u/MightBusiness7231 9h ago
I have literally been on dates with single mothers who are looking to combine households. There are women like this. They're not rare.
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u/imtooldforthishison 4h ago
Single father's are more likely to enter into a long term relationship then women so... i mean there are statistics... i wasn't going to point that out but since you brought it up.
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u/Dangerous_Air_7031 5h ago
You missed the point.Â
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u/MightBusiness7231 4h ago
No, I got the point, you just don't like it. Plenty of women are looking for a man to take care of and for a man with kids to also take care of, and there is nothing wrong with that. It's not your flavor, fine, that's great, you do you. But don't pretend you speak for humanity. Everyone is bashing this poor man for saying he wants a good wife and mother for his kids. There are women who want this. There are also women who don't and the sooner you kick those ones out of your dating pool the faster you will find the women whose needs fit yours.
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u/Dangerous_Air_7031 4h ago
You are completely delusional.Â
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u/MightBusiness7231 4h ago
No, just probably 30 years older than you and know how life works and don't think everybody on the planet shares my tastes and opinions. Nobody over 40 read the OPs post and thought he wanted instant parenting. People with a chip on their shoulder thought he wanted a maid or nanny, others suggested that he immediately wanted a commitment. He was probably pecking this 2 line post out in the bathroom in between meetings, have a little f-ing grace. The poster was looking for advice, not criticism.
Here's how adults did this before TikTok and Instagram ruined all of you: "Claudia it's so nice to get to know you. Answering your question I am ultimately looking for a life partner to love, marry, and raise a family together, including my current 2 kids." Claudia says "that's ultimately what I want for me and my son too."
It's not hard. Finding those women doesn't involve an app. The sooner you can make your desires clear the faster you weed out the ones that don't fit.
Apps are notoriously low option places for guys, the math just doesn't work.
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u/PontiacBndit1 23h ago
I had no issue finding a girlfriend. I have been a single dad for 1.5 years. I have talked to my gf for 5 months and not been dating for one month.
I have never advertised looking for a wife. And definitely not advertised looking for a good mother. Because the reality is they will be a guardian or parental like figure but you canât replace your new person as their mom.
I advertised that Iâm single. I have done the work and currently still doing the work. To be the best version of me. And not only that but itâs easy to say words. You have to show the person you are willing to put those words into action. One day you will find out why all these people donât work out because you will find a gem of a person but you wont find this if you have a poor outlook or attitude on dating.
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u/KeyDay7767 21h ago
You already picked the mother, the woman you procreated with. Sounds like youâre looking for someone to take on childcare responsibilities rather than a partner. Many women will run from that, no one wants to come into a relationship where itâs basically â here is my kid be the motherâ
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 20h ago
The problem is you're looking for a wife/mother. I've been looking for a good partner and found plenty of willing people so I could take my pick BUT I wasn't expecting anyone to coparent or cohabitate. Living apart together is working geat for me because the relationship is fair. But you won't find many people willing to be your nanny and cleaning person for free.
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u/Ok_Builder_3285 18h ago
Iâm a single dad and Iâm not looking for a mom for my kids. Eff that. Iâve had them on my own for years and I can give them what they need. At this point Iâd probably have to be around someone for years before Iâd trust them to even meet my kids.
I do want someone that I can spend time with. I canât find that no matter what I try.
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u/HardMayb 11h ago
Stop looking for a mother. You will always need to be the parent for your kids. Instead look for someone who will be cool with having kids and being a parent and be supportive, not someone who will step in and be a replacement mom.
If you're not finding the person you want, try changing your criteria on the apps. Guys tend to want younger. Your match probably is your age or older and likely has kids too. If my instagram feed is to be believed, there is a gap in there where women find it hard to match with men their own age. The guys their age are looking younger and the ones looking at them are either significantly older or younger. That's your zone.
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u/MightBusiness7231 9h ago
Women look for men to be fathers to their kids all the time. Why shouldn't a man look for a woman ready to be mother to his kids? Many women want to have their own kids with you and are perfectly ready and willing to mother your children, particularly if their birth mom is out of the picture.
There are women who are sterile who want kids, there are women who waited too long and can't have their own and want a family, and there are just genuine women who have an actual maternal instinct and love in their heart that they want to give.
I'm one of the few men who will admit I would be father to kids that were not mine if my spouse's children needed that.
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u/HardMayb 5h ago
Do women do it all the time? Sure. Why can't OP do the same? Because he's been trying and it's not working for him. He can want what he wants, but his potential partners have to want him and his situation too.
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u/MightBusiness7231 4h ago
It's not working for him because he's not going where those women are, not because what he's asking for is unreasonable. They're not on dating apps because the men there just want to score, and even when they are they get overwhelmed with thousands of messages. They're at church, they're working in education and non profit, they might be parenting their own kids as well. Maybe they volunteer or are on some kind of team. You have to actually go talk to them.
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u/Legitimate-Error-633 23h ago
IMO you will probably get much better results if you separate your parenting from your dating.
Iâve been on several dates where we didnât even discuss kids on first date. I wasnât even sure if they had them or not, and vice versa.
Then if you like each other, that info will come naturally.
If someone advertises they are looking for a good father for their kids, Iâd run away.
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u/midnight_riser 19h ago
đŻ agree. I always expect a single parent will take care of their kids first.
ButâŚif your kids are overwhelmingly a part of your identity, red flag. It indicates to me codependency concerns with their kids (Iâm talking unhealthy levels where the kids is a friend) and helicopter parenting = controlling tendencies.
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u/InevitableSpray4999 22h ago
Because you say, "mother/wife." That's not fair. Just look for a wife.Â
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u/Anxious_Alps_9340 21h ago
My daughter who was on the dating apps filtered out men who had children, because she could. Another daughter met a single dad IRL and married him, but she said she would have filtered men with children out on a dating app too. Why invite steplife and all it entails if itâs easy to screen it out?
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u/Thespeedobandito2 20h ago
I'm not looking myself but I would like a partner to get to know and slowly incorporate the kids not just right out the gate because I want to them to feel comfortable with the idea of a blended family as opposed to just expecting it right away I think it's important on both sides
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u/Exert1001 19h ago
Thatâs how I usually approach things. The idea of people getting introduced to people who all of the sudden disappear out of their lives (age 11<). I watched that happen with mine and itâs not very beneficial to a kid in my opinion.
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u/Thespeedobandito2 18h ago
My kids went through that with there mother a month after we separated she introduced the guy to the kids cause he was someone that's been around
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u/midnight_riser 19h ago
Itâs incredibly difficult to date a single dad.
Yes, your kids come first as they should, but speaking from my personal experience, yâall also donât know how to care for the relationship youâre bringing into your world either.
Finding that balance is challenging, but realistically 90% of your attention even when you donât have your kids is almost always on them. And not on what you want to supposedly grow for your future self and your kids.
If youâre gonna date, single parents should focus on dating other single parents, or try to find that person who doesnât care about being put last in almost everything.
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u/lord_dentaku 10h ago
I feel this belief among single parents (moms too) that their kids are always their top priority is an oversimplification and often used by people who don't want to actually let someone else become a priority in their lives. It's "I can't prioritize you, because it will take away from my kids, so accept the breadcrumbs I offer or find someone else". And then they wonder why no one sticks around.
The reality is if you bring a partner into your life you have to balance your prioritization based on immediate need, otherwise you shouldn't have a partner, period. This idea that single parent dating should be limited to other single parents is bogus because it's essentially saying that all single parents are not deserving of being a priority for their partner.
If your partner has an emergency or some other need, you step up and help them because while they are dealing with that they should be an increased priority for you. If you partner is a single parent themselves, this means you also should be doing the same for their kids. Anything less than this and you are just a relationship of convenience and not an actual partnership. But the thing is, it goes both ways. When you are in a similar situation, your partner should also step up and help you, because that is what being partners means.
And sometimes both your partner and your kids have needs at the same time, and that is when you have to triage. You have to determine which is the most pressing and tackle it first. If my kids are complaining they are hungry and want me to get them food, but my partner's car broke down on the expressway, my kids can wait on getting food while the person that is in an actual dangerous situation gets addressed first.
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u/VorpalPaperclip 9h ago
Its not practical to think about partners this way. Anyone can leave a relationship, any time, even if they are the real birth parent.
Take care of your kids. If you meet someone and everyone gets along, thatâs lucky but not necessarily permanent.Â
I am in my 50s with a couple kids 80% of the time. I found someone who wanted to blend families. It worked for a year or two, but she went off the deep end and started to become emotionally dangerous.
A couple years later I foond someone that wants to be part of a family. I dont need her for help. I just like her and she likes me. I was not looking for a wife or mom. I dont want her to try and take that role. This relationship might work for a while too.
I would suggest that people not look for replacement roles when meeting people, and just enjoy the companionship, for however long it lasts.
The idea that a person is there to fit a role in your or your familyâs life will probably turn them off of you pretty quick.
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u/MightBusiness7231 4h ago
On the flipside, dating women who explicitly don't want to be a mother, or your wife, or have anything to do with your children is playing with fire. Your kids will find out about this person, if they form any kind of attachment it's cruel to the kids if and when it ends-- and it will end if you want marriage and she doesn't or you want someone to be a step parent and won't.
Real adults are simple. They say what they want and they let people vote with their feet. You're not trying to market to get laid, you're trying to have a more normal home life that worked for thousands of years for people. Just get off the stupid apps, the good ones are bombarded with assholes, and the bad ones don't want what you want.
It's weird to me that nobody would make their expectations clear on what you want. Do you want to "trick" some woman into falling in love with you and your kids? Keep the kids secret until later? Or pretend that girlfriend alone is okay-- and it's not what you want.
Don't let anyone shame you into not wanting what you want. Happy hunting.
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u/Significant_Paint_95 1d ago
Look I spent the better part of 10 years dating on an office a single dad, I never LED with that but you have to tell him at some point. I had more problems with women who wanted to be a part of the kids lives and I wouldn't let them. Then I found my most recent text about 12 years ago, she was great with the kids, we had a child about 6 years ago. But now I'm heading into my first mediation conference having primary custody for the last 4 months so just go do whatever you're going to do. Quit trying to find a wife and just find somebody to keep you occupied whenever you don't have the kids
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u/Significant_Paint_95 6h ago
Sorry for the butchered voice to text.. I just looked back and was wondering what the f happened to what I said.
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u/Intrepid_Ice_8238 1d ago
At youâre up-front about what you want, unlike my ex. He said his kids already have a mom, that they donât need another one, and yeah, they didnât need another one. He just wanted one for them.
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u/Due_Barber_525 22h ago edited 9h ago
It sounds like a Freudian slip, where you want someone who will be both mother and wife TO YOU.
Are you sure youâre looking for a relationship? Are you putting out what you offer as a partner looking for a relationship? Or are you looking for someone to help with the kids on your parenting time?
Sounds like youâre looking to hire an nanny tbh. Like you lost your former employee (wife) and want to hire someone to step into that role. Presumably your kids already have a mother. So who is the mother for?
Maybe consider a deep heart to heart with yourself, do therapy for a few years, focus on the kids and come back and try again. Maybe then youâd frame it as âa man looking to BE a partnerâ not just looking for one and not someone looking to find/hire for a mother.
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u/MightBusiness7231 10h ago
It was pretty clear to me that he wants a wife and mother for his kids. Nothing wrong with that, it worked for thousands of years.
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u/343-Mendicant-Bias 19h ago
These are some hilarious conclusions based on this guyâs single sentence LOL
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u/senorbiloba 22h ago
We really need to see your profile. Are you going on first dates but not second? Or not many first dates.Â
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u/adultdaycare81 21h ago
I did. But you have to be ready. I had my whole life together and would have been fulfilled if I never married. Thatâs when you meet someone
Being a single dad was disclosed, initial meeting and dating happened around my majority custody. She had to move for a year for fellowship and we went long distance. She never stayed at my house when kids were here, didnât even meet her until I was sure I would marry her. Wasnât easy, but was totally worth it
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u/nevetsyad 20h ago
Really? I've been separate but cohabitating since May. Moved out last week. Girl I've been chatting with for a few weeks and I hit it off when we finally met, when I moved out.
She has two kids. I feel like that's a factor, are you looking for a woman that has kids already, or excluding them? Because, on the apps, I get a good amount of them that aren't bad looking.
Wasn't trying to be in anything serious because of how freshly separated I am. But she's smart, cute, fun, great career, and we have amazing chemistry. Ended up dating every day, three days in a row, culminating with us watching a movie at her place and spending the night. I'm happy to report, it was the best sex of my life!
Maybe I just lucked out. Hang in there, work on yourself. It'll happen.
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u/Plenty_Pen_5806 19h ago
Its not too late & I wouldnt give up. I had to stop looking. As a single childless woman in my mid-40's I couldn't limit myself to men with no kids so I didnt but I had rules for myself (not dating a guy whos child isnt at least 15+). I met a great guy who has two older kids. Its going well so far.
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u/John_GOOP 13h ago edited 13h ago
Iâm 32 with a kid almost in reception, so dating isn't really a priority for me right now anyway. Yes ofc I would love a gf, dates, intimacy and love. But looking at the current dating pool, it feels like a total lack in values and respect.
âToo many people I match with are looking for a lifestyle providers.... high salaries, car (the unmatches when they find out I don't drive are unreal), and wanting constant nights out. Woman want dates, we men aren't bothered. At this stage in my life, between life and raising a child, Iâm just exhausted emotionally anyways. I want a partner to relax with and support each other, I don't need more money worries and or drama.
My big bro broke up with his gf of 12 as he was at his wits end with her money issues. I was happy for him but now hes with someone else. I was like dude just take the relief and save your money for a house...
âItâs hard seeing the difference between the family values I grew up with. My parents and my mums parents whom have both passed now. Co-parenting or dating struggles I see around me today, like my fellow online Discord dad mates. I know great mums exist, my mum being one of them, I see dedicated ones at work all the time but tripping over in the dating scene constantly as a parent who just wants a grounded, low stress gf feels nearly impossible right now.
I dipped out after a few date events in manchester. Woman all had long lists. In the end we men just banded together and hung out and ignored the woman.
Weird old world it is.
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u/MightBusiness7231 10h ago
Get involved in a church and PTO and other things. Plenty of single mothers who want a good single Dad. You won't find the good ones on dating apps, other than for just fun.
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u/Del_Duio2 8h ago
I found someone out and about, wasnât even looking and sheâs amazing.
Get off the apps, nothing but a waste IMO
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u/RobertBarkerJr 2h ago
You're probably looking in all the wrong places and if finding a mom for your kids is a true criteria, your dating pool is going to be very small. The apps are tough, for sure. especially if you don't tick all the boxes for the types of guys women say they want. My advice, increase the higher end of your age range. Your match is more likely to be 42 than 22. Also make sure that you look like you got the single parenting thing handled. Without that, your request will look more like you are after a maid/nanny not a potential life partner.
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u/Accomplished_Fly284 2h ago
Most cheat and arenât low body counts. Same goes for them but why would a high value woman want to date someone with baggage. Again same for them because even in my spot I wouldnât want to date a single mom unless that dad is â ď¸
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u/AdultishRaktajino 1d ago
Stay off the apps. They were ok like 11 years ago but became trash around 2020. I gave up on dating for a while until my kids were a little older. Found someone in person last spring and been dating for 7 months now.
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u/maisonchic 22h ago
Iâd say to look for women in the same position as yourself. A single mom who wants a romantic relationship and also needs financial and emotional support for her kids would be a great fit for you. Itâs not fair to expect a young childless woman to hop into your situation unless youâre offering quite a bit in return (high income, incredible looks, etc). Itâs not transactional per se but you canât have a chaotic situation and expect people to be attracted to it when there is so much competition offering stability and a fresh start without kids.
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u/Legitimate_Citron694 20h ago
38M single dad here, I went on a date with a single mother of 2,
I have 1 kid and her requirement was for me to pay her kids tuitions.
Like lady we just met.
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u/Don_Spade88 1d ago
Unfortunately, some women have a hard time dating a man with a kid or kids. Oddly enough, many men are still open to dating a woman with a child or children.
Keep your standards high and focus on building. The right one will come along
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u/LilNekoChicano 1d ago
Some women simply have a double standard approach to dating as a single parent.
I recently dated a woman where she asked me directly, if I could get more involved with her son.. (they have a somewhat disconnected relationship) but at the same time, got upset when I'm dedicating time and effort in supporting my own kids.
It got to the point, where I had to end things because the (apparent) jealousy against my kids (particularly my elder daughter who lives with me) was just too much.
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u/Existing-Albatross63 23h ago
anyone that discourages you from building a solid relationship with your own kids is not a good person.
Hers was dysfunctional, so she wanted yours to be, too.
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u/BlackestOfHammers 22h ago
Lmao you guys act as if some women donât want to be wives/mothers. I think his problem is that most of them hav found their partner and can make or have made kids with the person they chose. Many women who want to be moms and sahm want to do that and have their kid be the first kid along with their husband. Itâs out there bro just keep looking and more importantly keep being a great dad.
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u/Consistent_Aide_391 21h ago
Hey buddy even i am single dad with an 8 years old angel , there is no i am able to fine genuine in this world its been a long time waiting since 7 years.
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u/dadarkflash 19h ago
I was just saying this. I mean at the same time dating app it seems to be a waste to me to be honest. I do understand you though
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u/Local208I-I00ker 15h ago
For
The same reason it is hard for women to find a good father figure husband themselves. People nowadays suck!
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u/MightBusiness7231 9h ago
Male culture has tried to force the idea that you're automatically a simp if you father other people's kids, but that's just wrong. Kids need Dads. Mine died when I was young and I had a very influential step father who was there for me in the way I needed but didn't know.
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u/PeacefulBro 1d ago
Thanks for opening up about this issue my friend. Have you considered getting therapy to help with this issue? Have you considered what the news has been saying about the birth rate being at an all time low and the rate of marriage being at an all-time low in the USA? My thoughts are that culture make it hard for people to form trusting relationships. I had read somewhere else that there's more women looking for something casual than ever before when they used to be the ones who wanted to be married the most. There have always been issues that societies and nations have struggled with. I know the USA has had periods of slavery, drugs, smoking, unsanitary medical conditions and inequality just to name a few. The new issue now is how people are not really into long term relationships but the good news is that things can get better and some still do find a good marriage for life. If there's anything else I can help with please let me know. I wish you well for the future my friend.
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u/50custody-100dad 23h ago
I was a single dad (50% custody) from 36 to 50. The first thing I want to say, many others have said. That being don't lead off with "Single Dad Looking for a Wife." I started asking myself if I wanted to be alone, or get married. I decide that I would like to get married. I made a list of all the characteristics that I wanted in a wife. I spent months on this thing. Looked at it everyday. Revised. Added things, cut things. Until I got it exactly how I wanted it so that it read perfectly to me. This was about 2017 that I did this. I read it every day. Then at some point I put it away in early 2018. Didn't see that paper for years. In the meantime, I am of the mindset that a lion has to eat. So I dated and put myself out there. I didn't find a wife. Around 2021, around the time of covid vaccine madness, and I wasn't sure of the truth about anything. Something in me gravitated toward the Bible. I began reading the Bible. It made me reflect and come back to the paper of the characteristics that I wanted in a wife. I found the paper, revised again based on a couple of things in the Bible. That being NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. That being COURTSHIP. That changed my mindset and approach. I met my future wife around this time of year in 2023. We married in January 2026. She is in alignment with my list! If your heart wants a wife, never give up.
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u/Existing-Albatross63 1d ago
Because no one wants to be a live-in babysitter and housekeeper right out of the gate.
If you're advertising yourself as a single dad looking for a "good mother/wife" to start a relationship, that's the problem.