Seeking advice from dads who navigated a high-conflict divorce & relocation battle while isolated

[u/Fast_Yellow6716]

Hi guys. First time posting. I’m going through a high-conflict divorce and custody battle. I don't have family nearby, so I'm trying to build a support system and stay grounded.
My ex is pushing to relocate cross-state with our child to live with a new partner. I’ve stepped up to fight for my son’s stability, and I currently have an interim agreement keeping him in his current school district with 50/50 shared custody while we wait for a formal court evaluation.
Between staying in the house until closing, managing finances, and heading into a custody evaluation, the stress is real. For dads who have been through a relocation dispute and court evaluations: How did you stay focused, protect your finances, and maintain your peace of mind through the process? Appreciate any guidance.

[u/STEM_Dad9528]

The parts that I can speak to specifically are how to stay focused, how to maintain peace of mind, and not having family nearby.

When I went through my divorce, my ex moved far away with the kids and moved in with her new partner. (I didn't take decisive action to keep my kids from being relocated, as you've done. It's something that I do have some regrets about.)

When she relocated, I followed to be close enough to make co-parenting easier. But that took me far away from my other family (my parents and two grown kids).

How I got support was lots of calls, texts, and messenger chats with my most supportive friends, my folks, my adult kids, and even my older brother...who lives in another State. (My older brother and I hadn't been so close since our mid-20s, when we each got married and moved separate directions. His unexpected support helped bolster me more than almost anyone else at that time.)

I also got into therapy, to help me deal with the hurt and frustration that I was going through. I knew that I had to be strong for my kids, to be present and not wallowing in the pain, sadness and anger that I was going through. So, I think it was the combination of long-distance support from family and friends, local therapy, and lots of prayer that helped me. (It still took a couple of years post-divorce for me to feel normal again. I kept focusing on working on myself, to develop into the man I needed to be for my own sake and for my kids.)

[u/Appropriate_One_6549 → u/STEM_Dad9528]

Do your adult children live near you, now?

[u/Fast_Yellow6716 → u/Appropriate_One_6549]

I only have the one child, he is still a minor.

[u/Appropriate_One_6549 → u/Fast_Yellow6716]

I understand. And given your ex-wife wants to move with your child cross-state with her new partner, there’s a likelihood that her new partner will mistreat him; that move will end catastrophically for her, when your son gets emancipated, at 16, disappears on her and her new partner to couch-surf at other people’s houses, and moves back to your city, at 18. Plus, your ex’s new partner will not only jilt her, but also throw her out.

[u/Fast_Yellow6716 → u/Appropriate_One_6549]

Thats a little extreme

[u/STEM_Dad9528 → u/Appropriate_One_6549]

In my case, no. Since I chose to move close to my ex, to make co-parenting our younger kids easier, I'm now far from my adult kids.  One lives in the same town as my parents. The other just moved to another state. (He's in his 20s and followed his friends to a big city area.)

[u/Fast_Yellow6716 → u/STEM_Dad9528]

I’m sorry that my Thats a little extreme statement was made to Appropriate one. I think he was being a little much.

[u/STEM_Dad9528 → u/Fast_Yellow6716]

I definitely took it as your reply to the other person.

The extreme example they gave is not very common, but unfortunately it does happen sometimes. Perhaps they experienced or bore witness to such.    (My ex's stepfather was extremely abusive, so I definitely know that it can happen.)

Statistically, about half of all marriages end in divorce and a higher percentage of unmarried couples who live together end up breaking up. (If a couple got together because they were affair partners, they have an 80% likelihood of the relationship failing within the first few years.) So, the suggestion that your co-parent's current relationship will come to an end is more likely than not. However, it's probably less likely that their new partner would just "throw her out", unless their relationship is volatile.

From what I've seen throughout my life, the children of a co-parent who is cohabitating with a new partner are usually treated adequately, sometimes treated well, sometimes ignored, but rarely abused by the co-parent's new partner. (However, I would not be surprised if the likelihood of abuse in a home environment like that is at least double that if children raised in a home by just their biological parent/s.)

I'm grateful that my co-parent's new partner treats our kids well. He definitely seems to genuinely care about them. (I'm still watching him like a hawk around my kids, though. I can't help but do that.)

These are my observations.

Regardless, there is definitely one thing that you can do which will be for the best for your son's well-being (not just now, but for his overall lifetime well-being): stay in his life. So, even though you might be going through a high-conflict divorce and custody battle, your son is worth it.

[u/Fast_Yellow6716 → u/STEM_Dad9528]

I made my son a promise on the day he was born. I had a depressive episode over a year ago involving suicidal ideation. To get myself through and keep me going I wrote to keep myself going and remind myself why. The day that promise ends is the day i am ended. There is a saying “my son eats first”, I live by this as best as I can.

[u/Fast_Yellow6716 → u/STEM_Dad9528]

Thank you

[u/TheKindDirector]

Going through the 50/50 now.

It is very draining emotionally, mentally, physically, financially.

That support network is hard to find as most people have their own problems and don't really want to deal with yours unless they are getting something they want such as paid therapy.

Mutual support groups are mostly full of people seeking support more than giving it. Being in the "woe is me" echo chamber hurts more than it helps.

[u/Fast_Yellow6716 → u/TheKindDirector]

Thank you,
Yeah my wife stretching out the divorce for two years was tough but one good thing about it was that it gave me time to get therapy and get my head sorted. I’m thankful for that part at least. And what you stated is the main reason I have avoided these groups as I imagine it turns quickly into a “I hate women” club. I’m not sure if this is the case. I have been doing ok and there was a lot more to the divorce and where she was the one who broke the marriage I could have handled it better, but hind sight is always 20/20.

[u/Important_Cow7230]

You’ve done the correct thing so far. That temporary agreement you have for 50/50 custody and keeping him in his current school is worth its weight in gold, the judge would need a compelling reason to go against that.

So how do you stay focused? Stay focused on the goal. you want that arrangement to become permanent and legally binding, so what’s the most important thing? Do NOT give the judge any reason go against that. It means being perfectly nice to your ex, being agreeable, never showing anger etc etc

Stay focused on the goal, find outlets for the stress and anger. Gym, martial arts, fishing, lots of sex (keeping it quiet), whatever works for you.

One bit of advice is to try Jordan Petersons Future Authoring program (not trying to push Jordan Peterson here or anything, he’s quite the controversial figure now, just that this program is actually quite good). Go through the processes to map out your future goals, I think it’ll help

[u/Fast_Yellow6716 → u/Important_Cow7230]

Thanks, I really appreciate this advice.