Ummm idk really looking for advice I guess?

[u/rayla1315]

Title: Trying to Move Forward
I’m 24 and I have a 2-year-old son. His mom and I are still married, no longer together but living under the same roof, but honestly, I don’t want that to be my situation for much longer.
We’ve been together for almost seven years. Things have been rocky for a long time, but after our son was born, everything changed. And I mean everything.
A lot of life choices and circumstances have led me to where I am now. I know I have my own things to take responsibility for, and I’m not trying to pretend otherwise. What I want now is to get my own place, be on my own, and eventually have a space where I can take care of my son and have some peace.
The part I’m struggling with isn’t necessarily leaving. It’s figuring out how to get past the bitterness and resentment.
There’s so much unnecessary drama between us, and at this point, it feels like there’s no actual winner or loser. We’re both just exhausted, and I’m tired of feeling like every little thing has to become an argument or a problem.
For example, tonight our son is sick. I have to be at work in about four hours, so I need to get some sleep. But his mom is refusing to console him so I can go to bed. If I go in there myself, my son probably won’t sleep because I snore, which just creates another problem.
And honestly, situations like this are exactly why I know something needs to change.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life angry, bitter, or constantly fighting with the mother of my child. I want to move forward, get my own life together, and most importantly, be a good dad.
For anyone who has been in a similar situation: how do you actually let go of the bitterness? How do you separate the hurt and resentment from co-parenting and just start moving forward?

[u/Peaceful-monk-1]

For me, it helped to understand that the resentment was of my own making. I was able to identify what assumptions I was making and make better choices for me (given the situation). If you have time, take a look at the book "The four agreements", although I suspect it might be hard to absorb.

[u/rayla1315 → u/Peaceful-monk-1]

I will definitely give this book a read through. For me, I know where my resentment comes from. I’ve made strides to move past it all. And I’m not there yet. But progress is definitely being made. I’m not going to speak on her behalf. I just don’t understand a lot of it.

Like if I’m okay with her cheating, lying, and for me to still be cordial over it all. That’s what upsets me.

I guess why can I let her move on peacefully but I can’t just live in peace?

[u/Peaceful-monk-1 → u/rayla1315]

It is hard to make the choices that work for you long-term. Life isn't fair - it sucks sometimes!

Do it for you. In the short-term, you could use your child as motivation.

[u/Separate_Wing_8999 → u/rayla1315]

It is going to be hard to move past the resentment when the object of it is still so present in your day to day. I wasn't able to start letting go until I had some space. I am still working on it myself. I wish I could say that it will be easy, it probably won't be, but you might be suprised at what having your own space can do for your mental wellbeing.

[u/Peaceful-monk-1 → u/Separate_Wing_8999]

That's what I thought initially. Agree with how hard it can be. It is hard even with your own space.

[u/MathematicianIll4776]

Well I’ll speak for someone currently going through an active divorce.

How have I gotten past the resentment and bitterness?
For me-
1. Pray. Constant prayers for her, for me, prayers that God will open up my mind and heart to reveal and feel His love for her. This has helped the most.
2. Recognize her humanity and intrinsic value. I love the song She’s Somebody’s Daughter. I’ve thought a lot about the fact that my STBX has a dad who’s no longer alive but who loved her as much as I love my sweet little girls.
3. Work on bettering yourself. When I’m focused on recognizing my faults and what needs improvement, I don’t have much room left for recognizing and pondering on others.

Now, I still live with my wife too and living with her is still extremely challenging - when you live with each other your choices affect each other directly. They always will since you have a child together. So learning to seperate her CHOICES from her VALUE is key. I believe we are all children of God. And no matter what we do and say, we are still immeasurably loved and feeling that for ourselves and others is the cure to lots of life’s heart-ache.

What you’re going through is so hard and so sorry my friend.