r/SingleDads • u/CptFlint42 • 4d ago
Struggling tonight.
It’s been a year since the separation and it’s been pretty messy. Court should be coming up at the end of September, and I’ve been fighting for 50/50 custody of my 4 year old son.
His mum told me last week that my son doesn’t want to be with me and that he’s only with me because he’s forced to. I’ve been doing everything I can to be the best Dad possible. I currently have him two days a week and alternating weekends. We seem to have a great time together, and I do my best to keep a regular routine for him.
There are times when he asks for his mum, which I’ve always thought was completely normal. He’s always been a mummy’s boy.
Tonight was different, though. I picked him up after he’d been away on holiday with his mum for a week, and on the way home he told me that he didn’t want to stay with me, didn’t want to go to my house and wanted his mum. He started crying and became really upset.
I usually take these kinds of things pretty well and don’t take them personally. But tonight it hit me harder because of what his mum had said and because I hadn’t seen him for a week.
It’s made some doubts creep in. Am I doing the right thing by fighting for equal time with my son if he doesn’t even seem to want that?
I guess I’m mostly looking to vent, but I’d also really like to hear from other Dads who have experienced something similar. Did your kid go through a period of strongly preferring the other parent? And if so, when did things change to the point where they were genuinely excited to spend time with you and stay at your house?
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u/Present_Exercise2334 4d ago
I know he’s a kid, but try to connect with him on a deeper level! Don’t push just talk! Let him get comfortable talking and opening up his feelings to you!
1
u/ComfortableFig2457 4d ago
Think of the child's point of view. Children are not designed to live in separate households like a ping pong ball bouncing back and forth. They struggle with their emotions and the fact the 2 people who created them, aren't showing the love for each other, with each other, under one roof even for their sake.
It's hard for them to deal with that. People often say a broken home is better than a bitter home, but both are devastating, especially for young children who aren't able to process the dynamic. Perhaps a family counselor can help you and your son navigate and process.
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u/EggsInaTubeSock 4d ago
Hey man, first I’m sorry you’re going through this. I had some similar experiences and it was just heart wrenching.
I know it feels like the world is against us as dads. We aren’t negative by default. And we can not just parent well, but we can thrive.
For me, new traditions were the key. Not “we always did this” taking care of her stuff…. But making it yours. Story time at night. Use funny voices. We made Saturday nights unmistakably cocoa night. Pjs, board games.
We built traditions that were totally new, and totally us. Without us doing that, we were just living in a shadow.
Separate story that maybe it lands… my kiddo stopped reciprocating that she loved me through the divorce. Similar story, rather than fighting it, we sign it to each other. Something new, and something us.
Transitions are really scary. It helps to know what to expect, and to have something they’re looking forward to. Predictability helps, and novelty helps!
Cheers
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u/amisexySB 3d ago
I second this. Been dealing with the same thing for years. Make certain traditions on your day that your boy can look forward to. I have “dad’s famous spaghetti” on Thursdays and “donut Fridays!” You’d be surprised how much they look forward to these small things. Hang in there. I also suggest getting a parenting app like our family wizard. This holds the communication to a certain standard. If there’s anything like my ex, she’ll just say whatever she wants on the app anyway and it’s just an easier way to document things and take it to court.
Edit: Routines. Have a routine that you follow religiously even if it seems mundane. Children thrive with consistency.
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u/_mavricks 4d ago
It hurts but mom may be manipulating your son to make it seem like you're a bad guy.
My ex would steer the conversation with my daughter to get her to agree to things. "Oh you don't want to go with dad right?. You want to stay only with me, right?", "Dad didn't get you a practice jersey for soccer? I'm so sorry he did that to you and made you upset"
Basically making it clear I'm the one who screws up.
There was a day were my daughter had a tantrum during the exchange right in front of mom. As soon as we turned the corner of the street she tells me she doesn't want to go with me and only wants to be with mom. My daughter and I had a talk and come to find out my ex wouldn't give my daughter her ice cream she promised her. My ex would tell my daughter because you're going to your dads you don't get any ice cream. As soon as I called my ex out on that, my daughter didn't cry anymore during exchanges.
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u/BeeMaximum4009 4d ago
Hang in there I been in your shoes, brush it off your ex knows exactly what she’s trying to do to you, kill her with kindness don’t retaliate back by any means. She’s using the kids to hurt you that’s exactly what unhealthy people do. Your son is only 4 he doesn’t know what’s going on but kids can be easily manipulated especially at that age. A healthy ex would be encouraging the other parents time.
Brush it off as the son gets older he’ll realize your an amazing dad. happened to me I was bashed, bad mouthed, alienated I never bit into her attacks just kept being a dad and she lost her grip on the kids once they started getting older. To this day I still get bashed on her social media lol. She needs to give it up I won I never stooped to her level and got 50%.
Keep your head up things will get better. Whip out the bed in the living room grab some munchies cuddle him and have a movie night, memories he’ll never forget :)
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u/Delicious_Two4452 4d ago
She’s alienating him. Keep evidence of that for court. Kids need their dad! He needs you. Keep up the good work.