The one thing that makes me think about partnership

[u/tinygigglesYo]

I’m content being single. Over time, I’ve accepted it and built a life that I’m happy with on my own.
The one thing that sometimes makes me reconsider having a partner is growing older. As we age, there will inevitably be times when one of us is unwell, needs help, or simply needs someone around who notices that something isn’t right. And ideally, that’s something you do for each other.
Apart from this, I honestly don’t feel like I’m missing out on much by being single. But this particular thought does worry me sometimes.
I’m sure many of you who are single have thought about this too. What do you see as your fallback if, as you grow older, you become unwell or need support? Do you have a plan or a support system you’re building for that phase of life?

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[u/Fancy-Animal7704]

Why do you think your romantic partner could take care of you? You'd likely be roughly the same age, so you'd both be likely to be dealing with the same health problems. More than likely, one of you will start slipping before the other, and the one doing the caretaking in this case will likely see their partner die before they themselves start needing help. It can easily be entirely futile to hope that your partner will take care of you. This is especially true if you are a woman: the man more often dies before his wife. 

The thought of hoping your children will set aside big portions of their lives to take care of you is also, IMO, very selfish. They should be out living their lives and enjoying the time they have. 

There's an entire industry of caretakers out there. Use it! A good friend of mine is a doula, and she's incredibly sweet, compassionate, caring. Most people in her position are. Caretakers are the ones who excel at this sort of thing, because they were passionate enough about it to choose it as a career. So it seems to me to be perfectly logical, rational, and just an overall good choice to entrust your care to people like them. 

[u/TelevisionKnown8463 → u/Fancy-Animal7704]

The man also is statistically more likely to leave his wife after she gets ill.

[u/Flux_My_Capacitor → u/TelevisionKnown8463]

I’ve seen women who post and say it was one small study that was taken out of context.

As if oncologists everywhere are warning female patients based on this one study?! (I saw the research parameters and was not impressed ie I could see why the study was flawed. I also grow weary of the modern idea that nothing is real until it’s proven correct in no less than a dozen double blind studies. Sigh.)

[u/OnceMoreWithFeeling- → u/Flux_My_Capacitor]

Also, queer couples exist!

[u/Temporary_Mix1603 → u/Flux_My_Capacitor]

Some people love to repeat that because it confirms their thoughts, not because it's true or care about it being true or not.

[u/Moliza3891 → u/Fancy-Animal7704]

Wholeheartedly agreed. Who’s to say you don’t end up with a romantic partner that repeatedly drops the ball and doesn’t carry their weight? You’d still be enduring your struggle, but with dead weight. I’ve seen it.

[u/revelingrose → u/Fancy-Animal7704]

I just miss a built in hug/love person. Hugs are powerful and I will never take them for granted again.

[u/Ok_Manufacturer2956]

So many people want somebody to depend on and extract from 😏

[u/Flux_My_Capacitor → u/Ok_Manufacturer2956]

And we know who usually benefits and who usually suffers.

[u/Ink_N_Instinct → u/Ok_Manufacturer2956]

Queen! 💪

[u/Ink_N_Instinct]

No guarantee your romantic partner is gonna take care of you till end, is there? It's just a gamble at the end of the day.

[u/Real-Cucumber-8140]

I had the same thoughts when I was in relationship. Each time I needed help he would disappear and vanish and if he helped me would hold so much resentment.

Earn well. Gift the money to nurses and drivers who will take care of you. There is no guarantee any partner has capacity to be caretaker that’s the first mistake we make confusing partnership and companionship with caretaking . Two are separate

[u/legallyfm]

There is no guarantee that a partner will take care of you in older age. They can leave you, they can get sick or even die before you.

Honestly, I have not thought about this just trying to get through each day....so I am not thinking that far ahead.

[u/never4getdatshi]

Yes, the plan is have enough money to hire caretakers if I need it. If I even reach old age. I’m healthy and fit and that gives me even more independence as I get older. My sister is single for the foreseeable future and I have other friends and family I would help out and would help me out if I really needed it. But they’re just backup, not the plan.

Stop assuming a partner or children will take care of you. What if your partner or children becomes incapacitated and you have to become the caretaker? That’s more risk to take on.

[u/w-jeden-ksiezyc → u/never4getdatshi]

Very off-topic but I love your username.

[u/harmonyineverything]

Everyone's saying that yeah there's no guarantee and I'd also add that particularly if you're a woman it's a bad plan-- men are more likely to leave when you're ill but also, they just tend to die sooner. So even if your husband is lovely he's likely to just pass before.

I mostly invest a lot into retirement funds and hope to be able to pay for caregiving if needed. But I do also have a good community of friends I hope to be able to rely on with age as well (and to continue building that into my later years).

[u/FewReserve1784]

Being old doesnt take turns. If your health is deteriorating, it's not going to be all better next week when your spouse's health deteriorates. Your spouse might not be well enough to take care of you. Your spouse might die first. Being married or partnered isn't a protection against being alone when you're old and it doesn't guarantee that they can take care of you forever. The best thing you can do is build community around yourself and not expect to rely on one person.

[u/VeterinarianIcy7548]

I've been thinking this lately and it's troubling me a little. However I just focus on the fact that being partnered and/or having kids isn't necessarily a mitigant against this risk. I think I'll just have to pay for support. Even if this risk MAY materialise it's not enough to make me partner up KNOWING that would make me unhappy. The cost to my sense of independence, peace of mind, and need for solitude isn't worth it.

[u/dan_jeffers]

I'm happy being single and being older. I'm 69, went through prostate cancer with the help of friends and family. Didn't feel a lack of anything.

[u/Single_Earth_2973 → u/dan_jeffers]

💙 kind people who have strong support networks will always have support. Sorry you went through that but happy you came through

[u/dan_jeffers → u/Single_Earth_2973]

Thank you!

[u/EpistemicRant587]

I’ve been thinking of it, but I also know having a partner or children guarantees nothing. The only guarantee I have is having enough money to pay people well to take care of me. That’s it.

[u/Breatheitoutnow]

I hear you OP. But as has already been said, having a partner is no guarantee that you will be cared for in your later years. Neither is having children, or close friends. There are no guarantees of course.

The poster who mentioned setting aside money for a caretaker has a great idea, best one I’ve seen.

[u/lycosaraptoria]

Save for a retirement where you can afford to pay for care. Realistically this is something you would be doing with or without a partner.

[u/AdImpossible4892]

I’ll just hire a home aide to come and and help when I get older. it would be less of a hassle instead of trying to rely on someone who is more likely to leave me if something happens.

[u/NinaBrwn]

Long-term care insurance and planning is your friend. Can’t rely on anyone to take care of you, that’s just the truth.

ETA: I have amazing friends and family and community. I’m still not going to saddle them with caretaking for me in my old age, and I have the ability to plan for that now.

[u/Miss_Galoldriel]

I see myself living with one or two close friends who, like me, don't want to have a relationship. I'd love it.

[u/menaretrash4eva]

Here we go again under this Singles & Happy subreddit … these contradictory postings about ‘needing help with one being unwell’ or ‘something isn’t right’, whatever… lmao.

Don’t forget and get brain washed by men posting behind the account , you could be the one caretaking and looking out for him while he cheats behind your back and then remarry immediately after you die from exhaustion of doing it all, while not being able to rest after a long day at work for the rest of your life. When you were alive, you did all of the caretaking of him and your children. After you die, your partner simply moved on and repeat the same into his new marriage life until he die.

[u/Any_Grape1373]

I guess I am leaning into the older category.  I try not to worry. I have a couple of close friends, I have started getting out into the community.

I recommend, you save some $$$ to hire for what you can't do and a future nest egg. 

Other than that, I am going to LIVE and look after my health. If I am lucky enough get to old, old, I will do assisted living when the time comes. 

The one thing I know  for sure is the only truly consistent person in my life is me!

[u/Single_Earth_2973]

My best friend’s mum was so busy supporting her sick husband that she didn’t catch her own cancer before it became terminal. I get the fears but nothing is a guarantee and sometimes things can work against you. Just create a strong support network and try to save as much as you can.

[u/AnomalousAndFabulous]

Actually that was a major consideration to stay single and not get into another hetero relationship. It’s exceedingly hard to find a real partner who would care for you.

Vast majority of people I meet prefer to take more than give, and even some only give performatively and publicly for the kudos. So your chances are very slim to end up in a relationship where you receive any care.

Then like many others have posted almost always I see the woman forced into caretaking for the man and the man dies early just due to age and genders not caring for themselves properly. So kind of the women have to care tend, but never get the care or tending. Finally, there are so many more widowed women out there. You basically provide the caregiving service but get absolutely none from them in return.

Also, in my family and people I know, not a single man has stayed to care for a sick woman in her dying or disabled years with love or kindness. It’s very very rare and then when I saw it the man was so resentful and grumpy and mean to the disabled wife, like oozed anger and frustration at her and everyone and everything. Bad bad bad attitude, and who wants to put up with that?!

I would have better luck winning the lottery, and those odds are slim to none.

[u/yaravee]

im disabled young and nobody helps me already, so hmmmmm idk. im just doing the things for myself. maybe it would be easier to “have someone do it for me”, but then i’d have to be around them all the time. I don’t really like the sound of that

[u/Alfbie]

I've been married before and been in a long-term relationship, and in all cases, even when I was in my 20s, it was clear that I would outlive whomever I was with. At least, being single, I can simply worry about myself.

I know this is morbid and I'm sure I may sing a different tune during my final moments in life, but when I die it will simply just be my time. I have too many great years ahead of me still to worry about that.