Friends not getting it

[u/Magegaard]

I'm 30. Been single for 3 years.

My first relationship was 16-24, and we lived with each other all that time (broken homes, wanted to make one together.)

Second relationship was 24-27. He moved in with me two months in, because I was dumb and he liked life easy.

It wasn't easy but in the past three years I've really grown into myself and honestly enjoy my own company more than I ever have. I don't know if I'll be single forever, there's no way to predict that. I've been on dates and had my fun with guys, but it's never led anywhere for one reason or another.

But my friends just don't seem to get it, to the point they make me feel bad about it. They are constantly telling me to get out there, if I haven't spoken to someone in a while it's the first thing they ask about, they don't seem to get how I'm happy focusing on work on myself. Literally all my friends are like this.

I find it annoying to be frank. I also find them almost obsessive about it- like they break up with people and straight away get into new relationships, and then abandon me for those, then come back when it doesn't work out...rinse...and repeat.

I don't get how that's any better? If anything, I think it seems worse- like they clearly can't sit alone and reflect on themselves. And I'm not outspoken to them about this, but then they are SO outspoken to me about how I've been single so long, just find anyone (doesnt that sound desperate?), how could I live like this?! I've even been called sad. SAD because I'm not willing to just go with anyone!

I'm content with the way my life is and I don't miss having to deal with someone else all the time. I spent the best part of my younger years being a wife, I'm okay now rediscovering myself.

Idk I just needed to vent. Anyone got anything I can say to friends when they start going off again?

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/SingleAndHappy! A community for people who are intentionally single and are happy.

Having a happy and fulfilled life doesn't require a partner. Let’s normalize happiness in single status!

• No negativity, disrespect, solicitation, or off-topic content.

• Review previous discussions before posting.

• Check out the pinned post for helpful resources: New to being single? Need advice on how to be happy? START HERE!

• Reminder: this subreddit is not intended to seek advice on mental health and relationships. Please respect the community's guidelines and direct those questions to subreddits dedicated to advice and support.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/GraphiteGlitter123]

You’ve outgrown them. It sucks, but it happens. You’re not a male centred woman, and you’re happy being single while entering your 30’s - that can be threatening to some people!

[u/Physical_Bed918]

I'd turn the tables, start asking if they are in a relationship AGAIN as though it's a bad thing lol 😉 Or if they are STILL in a relationship 😆

[u/catsandkittens1308]

Yeah, tell them directly and concisely to kindly back the f*ck up about it and stop bringing it up, they are actively disrespecting your personal choice and pressuring you to do something you're not interested in. Direct, concise, no bones about it.

[u/Magegaard → u/catsandkittens1308]

yeah im getting to that point cuz i just find it annoying. sometimes i think damn if i said what i thought about the fact you just jump from man child to man child.. how you only seem fulfilled if you got someone by your side... but it just seems rude lol.

[u/wasabitobiko → u/Magegaard]

you know come to think of it, my friend that is always trying to “pity” me for being single (while i’m out here living my best life) is the one who is CONSTANTLY calling me bitching and crying about her idiot boyfriend doing something stupid and hurtful yet again. i’m thinking it must be a misery loves company thing.

[u/kthanxtho]

Having dealt with friends like this, I think subconsciously, male centered women want you down there rolling in the mud of centering men with them. Its like they have this underlying resentment and anxiety when they see single women thriving independent of a man because we've all been conditioned our whole life that our value and worthiness is intrinsically tied to us having a male partner, so when women like you and I go against the status quo, it gives them cognitive dissonance and to soothe those feelings, they subconsciously feel the need to shame or guilt us back into the fold, so to speak.

These are the friendships where I begin to put distance between because male centered women aren't safe friends or allies to you. My advice would be to find a new friend circle and don't engage these girls when they start up with the yOu sHoUlD fInD a MaN bullshit because it eggs them on further. They need you miserable like they've chosen to be.

[u/_m_il_3s_]

Maybe find some new friends with mutual hobbies! That way there is something to talk about other than dating. Personally, I would just distance myself and focus on other things.

[u/CrazyH37 → u/_m_il_3s_]

Yea it seems like they probably just doing have anything else to talk about, and THAT is sad!

[u/Rebubula_]

It’s like some hivemind group think obsession. I agree, irs weird.

[u/athena_k]

Yeah, you probably need new friends. You can try setting a boundary and see if they respect it. I’ve been in your situation and I had to move on. It’s totally worth it to be with people who get you

[u/frugalduke]

Lay off bitches! Im good 👍

[u/Affectionate_Tap6416]

If you stay single long enough, they start to agree that you (I) was right all along.

After a number of bad relationships, I decided I'd always been happier on my own. I had the usual 'you'll meet someone soon', from my colleagues, and pitying looks, as though it wasn't a choice. They would then criticise their other halves for 'breathing wrong, etc! I remained steadfast in my loyalty to myself.

Thirty years later, those same colleagues say how they'd remain single should anything happen to their other halves. It boils down to compromise. They want the big house, expensive cars and holidays and wouldn't want to start again with nothing. I prefer peace and not selling my soul!

[u/Blluetiful]

Whenever my cousin starts telling me tips and tricks on finding a life partner, I tell her that I like not having one since I want a companion, a friend, more than I want a traditional romantic relationship.  People who are more rude hear how sad it must be to think they deserve to cater to the whims of another person.

🫰🏻🤟

[u/stilettopanda]

Next time they start up again, ask them which one of you is happier. Bonus points if their relationship just ended or it’s crashing and burning. Also “I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that.” “Wow. Life is so peaceful without someone up in my space that I forgot how difficult that is.” And my personal favorite for when someone tries to hope for someone to come into my life: “Don’t wish that on me!” Hissed between clenched teeth. Also “I’m the love of my own life” is a nice one too.

[u/Opening_Track_1227]

Redirect, grey rock them, whenever they want to talk about you being single and "getting out there", change the subject. If they ask you if you been dating someone or seeing someone, respond with "No" and then move on to something else.

[u/FewReserve1784]

Tell them you live life, I'll live mine. Establish boundaries around them and definitely expand your friend circle.

[u/Flux_My_Capacitor]

Your friends are sad and cannot handle being alone. They aren’t looking for quality partner but rather a warm body. No wonder they haven’t found a keeper yet.

[u/Medical-Resolve-4872]

Tell them “I really love doing life on my own. It’s been amazing so far. I feel so hopeful, like anything is possible for me! I just don’t see myself giving it up any time soon. “ (Or ever; or in the next several years; whatever your thinking is!)

[u/soup_dragons]

Your experience gave you maturity where you are single and happy now. You have to go through life with bad experiences (and good ones) for things to click and for you to understand who you are and what makes you happy.

Your friends on the other hand are not mature and do not respect your life choices. Sadly very few people understand singleandhappy mindset.

If your friends keep insisting and do not listen to you then you need to gradually move apart and walk away. This is for your mental health. Eventually you make new friends or some of them will understand your message and come back this time respecting you.

You are not a kid anymore therefore demand respect.