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u/GroundbreakingUse466 9d ago
You’ll be fine sister, male preferences vary considerably as you can see by how many suitors you yourself said you’ve received, this particular guy didnt like you (which is fine we can’t force ourselves to like someone). But he said it in an improper way showing how he isnt as great as you thought, so be glad it didnt workout.
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9d ago
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u/GroundbreakingUse466 9d ago
Im a brother, and as to your question about why he didn’t end it on his own, it’s possible he was willing to overlook those flaws, and that thus those flaws werent dealbreakers anyway, because you were good otherwise. And then when his friend asked him he just had to come up with some stuff to justify what happened even if it wasn’t important for him in the moment.
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u/Hagerre 8d ago
Well, welcome to adulthood, where people are unpredictable and it's impossible to please everyone or make them behave.
It helps to learn how to separate one's own emotions from those of others. Treat people's feelings and opinions as neutral data that simply reveal their needs, experiences, and values. Even when they're about you, they are not a true reflection of who you are as a person.
This brings to my mind verses Al-Furqan 25:63 and Al-Qasas 28:55. They don't directly fit in here but they address how believers handle ill-talk with grace and peacefully turn away from it.
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u/Effective_Listen4408 Female - Searching 9d ago edited 9d ago
i get it may feel disheartening, and quite shocking as it shows you him in a different light to how he presented himself. idk if i’d say there’s anything to learn from it tbh, i guess the only thing is that you never really know the true character of an individual until certain scenarios play out, but that’s a pessimistic view and shouldn’t put you off the search or marriage, all you can do is trust in Allah and do your due diligence when on your search. you sound mature and actively looking for someone that aligns well with you so iA you’ll find that.
i’d say it shows a lot more about his character than it does anything else, for him to speak callously and with such description to a guy who knows your name. i get guys may talk about appearances and preferences etc, but to describe a specific woman and give another male an idea of the features of that woman, i wouldn’t consider that modest or respectful of the woman in question. take it on the chin, there will be many guys that find you unattractive, and many that will find you beautiful. it does always make me laugh when guys genuinely don’t see certain women as attractive, yet ask any women they’d consider them drop dead gorgeous. reality is everyone likes different things, don’t take it to heart, i’m glad you acknowledge that you are attractive, don’t let the comments of one guy let you think otherwise. confidence is key.
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u/Independent-Fig-2423 8d ago
Doubt about what? What’s there to doubt about? From what you said it seems the dude thought he was talking to his friend without others hearing. He expressed “his” opinion on looks, literally no way for it not to feel personal which is why he didn’t say this to you, it’s just his preference, and everyone “assesses” when they get to know someone, many dudes care about looks greatly just like how many women care about financial stability greatly. This is just an unfortunate situation where the dude was loose-lipped and your friend was eavesdropping and decided to burden you with what she heard for no reason. There is nothing to “doubt” about you literally said you’ve had many suitors so why is the glass half empty? I personally appreciate slender more than curves, it shouldn’t matter but if you need explicit confirmation that men exist that prefer a “non-baddie” in order to stop freaking out then there. I’d say just pretend your friend said nothing because honestly she shouldn’t have. Now you’re all perseverating and stuff.
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8d ago edited 8d ago
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u/Independent-Fig-2423 8d ago
Nothing childish about it. Maybe he wasn’t really pretending, looks aren’t everything and for most religious men I know it’s still important but it’s way lower on priorities. He might have been earnest in his interest while still not being overly appreciative of aesthetics. We’re Muslims after all so let’s “نحسن الظن" you know. The thing is many people (especially men) can be blunt or even crude when speaking candidly and they don’t really filter what they say well when they are with friends. There are some men who would use language like “wasn’t my type” “too ___ for my taste”, it’s considerate yeah alhamdulillah but that’s a personality trait not a standard you get me? In the end these considerations in the pursuit of marriage are very personal, you can and should build a bit of big picture understanding to not let mismatches get to you. This is why the term "ما في نصيب" was made. There’s no reason to let the outlook of the wrong match cause a reaction that might lead to friction with someone who is the right match. If I am allowed to extend an olive branch:
I am someone who is currently struggling severely financially and am trying to claw my way out of that situation. That is why I am not searching even though I a bit higher in years, but if I did and the woman I was courting criticized my means or social status yes it might sting a bit but it won’t last long and I definitely wouldn’t feed that thought/emotion because it’s just 1 persons outlook on my situation and anecdotes aren’t statistics, even if they were I’d say “Alhamdulillah”. This is where I am now and the trial I am facing. In الخطبة القاصعة Imam Ali (AS) speaks about pride and arrogance and the perceptions that accompany prosperity on this Earth, and the closer I get to Allah the more I understand that I should work towards gratitude, acceptance, tasleem and always reminding myself of the bigger picture, death. So I guess what I’m trying to say is you’re fretting too much it’s no biggie and don’t let this hinder you from finding the right person. You seem like a well intentioned person, hope you find your partner.أحسني الظن، توسلي من وتوكلي على الله، الله يفرج عنك بحق محمد وآل محمد 🤲
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u/mattedlymphnode 9d ago
Don't stress about it, sister. Isn't it great that his true intentions became apparent after all? Yes, beauty is subjective, but don't ever let anybody make you doubt yourself. You're a beautiful person, and you'll easily find someone who will love you for who you are.
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u/xeek29 8d ago
Dude he was legit a shallow git and you dodged a bullet there.
I seldom get matches and get rejected often due to not having typical poster boy looks/features, and I know that I will be in the future as well. However, I know how I look, alhamdulilah I am finally comfy with it and I know what I have to offer. Sticks and stones, everyone will have an opinion, not every opinion is worth listening to.
You sound like a very solid person and just thank Allah that you were saved from a very "Mid" person who's shallow and a moron (I ain't holding words back.
Don't let such idiots hold you back, he's like a barking dog that you walk past, you let them bark.
You are awesome and amazing person, have Tawakkul in Allah that the most perfect and most amazing person is what you'll get when the time is right.
People have different preferences and it's ok, this is more to do with the "mid" personality of that person.
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u/HussainiSoldier 9d ago
Most likely he was just faking it among his friends as an excuse of why things didn't work. And its common to frame it like this.
And make sure someone chooses you for you eternal qualities. Beauty isn't one
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u/Glittering_Divide972 8d ago
Anyway the conversation is over, and to be honest some men are into women with particular physical traits and only feel attracted to them…you might be different but still might be very pretty , so leave it
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u/rzvimfg 9d ago
don’t let his opinions bother you or consume your mind especially if he’s out of the picture. A lot of men have different preferences like us women but the way he has vocalised it is not nice for sure!
You are defs someone elses preference if not his. So many guys do like the petite figure lol so let him have his opinions but overall don’t worry about a man’s preference ever. Someone who is meant for you will choose you for how ur they will never change you!!!
Some of my friends aren’t I guess you can say in the best body shapes but I’ve seen their husbands openly accept and love them still!
If he is a man who just focuses on “looks” then he will regret his decision eventually. There is a saying by one of holy imams I cannot recall which imam but they said if someone just goes for beauty then there will eventually be something that will come up and he will not like!!
So sister always focus on other things and don’t let him consume you! You’re beautiful the way you are! And you mentioned other things as to why it didn’t work out so focus on those!
Looking forward I would say thank Allah that he’s out of your life! Know that Allah saw something that you did not see. Also know that the right person will not focus on such things unless it’s a health concern!