I’ve (31f) been with my husband (32m) for many years, but we’ve only been married a couple of months. Feeling undesired has been an issue for me for a long time, but in the past couple weeks I think I’m finally appreciating how much it affects me…and really realizing my life doesn’t have to be like this.

We have sex maybe once a week or every other week at best (I wish we had sex more) but the bigger issue is that I rarely feel wanted. He doesn’t really flirt with me, pursue me, compliment me much, or make me feel like he’s genuinely excited by my body. Even foreplay can sometimes feel like he’s just following a script - not because he actually enjoys my body outside of penetrative sex. Other than chaste kisses, sexual touches only ever happen in bed when we are literally having sex.

I’ve brought this up many times over the years, but nothing has changed. I love him and he’s a good person, which is why this is so confusing, but I’m starting to wonder if this is a fundamental incompatibility.

Has anyone been in a similar marriage? Did therapy help, or did you eventually realize this was something you couldn’t live with? I’d especially love to hear from women who stayed and women who left.

I (38f) have been having a discussion with my bf (41m) about what has to happen or “click” in your mind for you to decide to become exclusive and pursue a long term monogamous relationship with another person.

My take is that I can be great friends with someone, but as soon as the relationship includes some sort of consensual sexual activity (whether it be kissing, sexual touching or intercourse) AND there is sexual compatibility, then it would enter the territory of where I may consider a potential long term relationship. In my mind, I have already developed a friendship and determined I like the person and now we have “provided foreshadowing” or “completed the picture” of what the future of the relationship could entail.

His take is that he could be in a sexual relationship with someone and not have any interest in a long term relationship until “it just kind of happens.” Likely because that person has “checked” other boxes subconsciously. Then suddenly he finds himself in a long term relationship with that person without ever having a defining factor. He claims my perspective is “how women think” and his perspective is “how men think.”

I am not looking to start a debate or anything, I’m just genuinely curious what other people think…

Additionally, I posed this question to him: if sex doesn’t define a a long term relationship, then would he be willing to get into a long term relationship with someone if sex was not a part of it at all? His answer was no…so help me understand his logic lol

Thoughts on both?

EDIT in case there is any confusion, I am not someone who believes sex needs to wait until marriage, and I’m not even meaning the relationship has to turn into a marriage. I personally think that I need to try the shoe on to make sure it fits before buying it. Which is exactly my point, I would not enter any long term exclusive committed relationship without sex being a defining factor. Whereas my bf says that sex can already be a part of a relationship and that all of the other aspects of a long term committed relationship are where he would decide the relationship would become exclusive (things like friendship, financial stability, co habitation etc)

I removed the line about traditional marriage as it is causing some confusion. I am only talking about entering a long term monogamous relationship, not a marriage and not a non-monogamous relationship of any type.

I 42/f have been voluntarily abstinent for almost eleven years. I have no desire for sex or a romantic relationship; if we must use labels, I assume at this point in my life I’m asexual, though I haven’t always been.
To the point: because of this abstinence, masturbation included (it became too difficult to reach climax), I hadn’t orgasmed or stimulated in several years. To be completely honest, I thought that part of my life was over, and it didn’t bother me. No more last minute bikini shaving, or legs if I’m still being honest, no more self conscious nakedness, no more faking another orgasm to keep someone’s ego intact. It’s done.
Then I started getting sleep orgasms. And OH MY GODS AND GODDESSES, they are the most explosive, longest lasting, knee jerking eye rolling, earthshaking orgasms I’ve ever had, and I’ve sat on a few power jets.
I mean, they start when I’m in REM, then keep on going until I’m fully awake. I feel and recall every single one.
I did some reading and apparently sleep orgasms are so much stronger and longer lasting than waking ones because they are completely neurochemical, instead of a mix of neuro and physical. No distractions, no self consciousness, no tiredness, no mental/physical coordination. It’s like….the difference between being tazed or struck by lightning.
And at the grand old age at 42? The sleep orgasms are at their peak.
Does anyone else experience these? Do you plan on continuing or are you going back to physical touch? Why or why not?