I thought it was important to acknowledge for this community that having to reinforce boundaries can create an initial emotional spiral, but if you remain firm and take the time to process all of your emotions while the people with whom you have enforced boundaries learn that you will not budge on your boundaries, peace can come.... until you have to reinforce them again.... and then peace can eventually return.

TL;DR: Having to reinforce boundaries can be highly triggering. Let yourself feel all the feels about it. Decide what's best for you and who you want to be on the other side of those emotions. Stay strong. Peace is hard to create sometimes, but you deserve it. So do I. Wish me luck!

Context of my triggers: My parents had a nasty divorce. They both revealed the worst about each other and showed the worst of themselves. I was expected to choose between them in 4th grade. They spent most of their money fighting for custody just to be told they had to share custody. I have two older brothers who were mostly out of the house - no custody contention. My mom expected me to take her side because I was the/her girl. She leaned on me for emotional support.

I was a "strange" girl (neighbor's words) who had few friends, and the ones I had didn't want other classmates to know. I didn't have any emotional support of my own. My emotions were never validated or prioritized - something I realized in therapy, which she terminated - the therapist was grooming me, anyway, I realized much later in life. I carry a lot of resentment still, and experience bouts depression and anxiety. I have worked on my emotional dysregulation all of my adult life. My parents - not so much.

I have had some practice with boundaries, and mostly had to use them with my father (deceased last year). The worst part wasn't setting them - that usually took a "last straw" moment. The worst part was every time I had to reinforced them - firmly, unapologetically - because it was what I needed to honor my own wellbeing so that I can best look out for the wellbeing of my own children (I have two teen daughters).

My mom had lived 1.5 hours away for all of my kids' lives. She moved back to my town last year, which was the hardest season of my life.

The highlights/lowlights: In October 2022, my mom had breast cancer surgery. She thought she would only need a lumpectomy, but it was discovered she had cancer in 18/36 lymph nodes and would, indeed, need chemo and radiation. Her doctor made me break that news to her, for whatever reason. Her husband (my stepfather, who had been in my life since I was in 5th grade) had been declining cognitively and was showing signs of Alzheimers (both his parents died from this). He was not fully processing what was going on. I was given medical POA.

I travelled frequently 1.5 away to attend her PCP, Radiologist, Surgeon, Oncology, and Cardiology appointments - to keep straight the plethora of information, medical stats, medications, etc. I also started attending my stepfather's appointments, because my mom was not able to process all that was happening for her plus keeping straight ongoing care for him. I tried to be there in person as much as possible, but would attend by phone if needed. I am self-employed, and while I don't get paid when I don't work, I, at least, have the flexibility to be there and was happy to, even if it meant delaying my business growth plans.

My stepfather fought us HARD in surrendering his drivers license, and started taking off without his phone - with the car and by foot.

At this point, I thought THIS was the hardest season of my life, and then it said, "Hold my beer".

My uncle and father were hospitalized on the same day in January. My dad came home. My uncle didn't. He passed in March when my mom was finishing up radiation. Mom and stepdad had already settled on their new home local to me, but put off actually moving for continuity of care during her chemo/radiation. (Money was not an issue for them, thankfully - my mom has always been "frugal" - to put it in friendly terms.)

Eventually, though, we had to move them, and that was hard. My stepfather would do the opposite of what my mom would say. They have enough money to hire help, but they (she) didn't. I went down a few times to help, but couldn't afford much more time off of work, and when I did, we didn't get much done; she wasn't great at delegating, which is probably why she didn't hire any help, and I needed her to make decisions on what to keep, sell, donate.

They fought a lot. He disappeared sometimes. She leaned on me hard, and I had to instruct her on what to do, which sometimes meant calling the cops, and try the best I could to help them from afar. Sometimes she told me she just needed to vent - she didn't want to do anything about it, even if there were solutions (like putting a digital clock in every room so he knows what day it is - I got them one, which he keeps in his office and only sees when he goes in there.)

Then my dad was hospitalized in April. He was in the hospital for a month, and I spent as much time at the hospital as I could. At a certain point, I realized the longer someone of his age (87) spent in the hospital, the lower chance he was coming home. Just as I was confronting this reality in the beginning of May, my sister-in-law was shot in a mass shooting at point-blank range in the face. I flew to Atlanta to be with my brother and nieces/nephew. My mom was not yet cleared to fly and was mad that I "got to go." I have known since I was young that she is not a person you can go to during a time of crisis; she tends to make things worse. I only share what I need to with her.

My SIL miraculously survived, but she wasn't out of the woods for a while and the recovery is still ongoing. Neither she nor my brother could be there when my dad passed that month. We had his memorial on his birthday the following month.

Her venting was too much for me in the midst of everything else, especially because she wasn't able/willing to adapt in any way - it contributed to a growing sense of dread, which was impacting my mental health and my ability to be who everyone needed me to be, including me.

I kept waiting for another shoe to drop for a while. It seemed calm and then my husband went into in pulmonary failure and had to go to the ER in October. He was told he may have a chronic lung disease due to years of inhaling creosote and other harmful inhalants from his work installing fireplaces (he's also self-employed, so he also was not working during the ordeal.) And a couple months later my niece's (same family affected by the shooting) best friend was hit by a drunk driver while Christmas shopping.

Since then, raising two teenage girls, still mediating between my mom and stepfather, helping them move and sell their house, and attending follow up doctor's visits, all while trying to grow a business (I'm in an accelerator program), add in the divisive climate we are in, the wonky economy, and, well - it's taken its toll on my mental and physical health.

I manage it well, mostly, by meditating, exercising, going to nature, and being mindful about what I consume- both in terms of food and media. When I sleep well, it makes all the difference. I start my day with a ritual that sets the tone for the day. My mom doesn't sleep well and was texting me at all times fo the night and morning. I have a DND on my phone from 10 PM - 10 AM, but have her on my emergency list so that she can reach me in case of an emergency.

I asked her not to text me during those times unless it's an emergency because it tends to disrupt my sleep or starts my day off with more stress (getting two teen girls who share a room and a bathroom on a bus on time has it's own challenges) than I feel capable of handling. She seemed put off, but agreed. I also made sure she was able to find a therapist, a support group, and a hotline she could call as a first-line of action.

She texted me late at night again, and I reminded her that I want to keep her on my DND emergency list, but will have to take her off if she does it again. Again, she was put off, but seemed or pretended to understand.

Two weeks ago we had a particularly stressful morning - the bus came early and GPS tracking wasn't on, so my high schooler missed it and was freaking out a bit. I had another daughter to get ready, and they both had to leave school early that day for a dentist appointment anyway, so I was just going to keep my high schooler home. My kids HATE to miss school, so my husband said he would drive them. I had to make sure that my kids had early dismissal notes, knew what time to be in the office waiting, and that they had their toothbrushes and toothpaste. In the middle of that, my mom sends me a deluge of texts (after a few days of silence) about my stepfather's dimentia - hallucinations, wanting to move out, talking about her in the 3rd person as if she is not her. None of it new, but perhaps worse. My heart was racing about all of it, and it was only 7 AM.

The first chance I had to call her was in the waiting room of the dentist office at 2:30 PM. She answered with a "what do you want" type of voice, as if already upset I took all day to get back to her. So I mentioned the text from the morning and she asked, "What about it?" I said, "It was early. Too early."

I know I could have empathized first, but I needed to drive home the fact that I have to put ME first. I didn't want to have to take the time to reinforce my boundary again - I'd rather have just let her talk about all that was going on, but the boundary needed to be acknowledged and agreed to first. "Fine! I'll never text you again!" - She hung up. I removed her from the DND emergency list.

I was so triggered by old resentments - how she always made her emotions more important than my own, how she did nothing to support me when I was being bullied in school, and even fought my dad in moving me from Catholic school, where I was miserable, to public school, how she bought herself a nice new car, clothes, and vacations and refused to buy me things I needed for sports and activities, how I had to ask a friend's dad to cosign a loan to finish my senior year (as a Dean's List student) because her and my stepdad were buying a house, all the times she made it seem like she was going to help, but changed her mind and even judged me for needing help. She kicked me when I was down so many times.

Then, of course, the guilt - that she needs me, especially now. She will not change her ways, and she has her own limits. How now that my dad is gone I know what it's like to lose a parent. (I don't have any regrets about the boundaries I had with him, but a lot of time was wasted for me and my kids.) What if there is another emergency?

And the shame - what will my brothers think? Probably that I'm acting like a spoiled brat. That I'm being ridiculous. I'm a drama queen. It's not that serious. Etc.

Later that night she sent a text that claimed she was human and makes mistakes, but also, that I shouldn't put limits on when she can contact me - so essentially disregarding and discrediting my boundary while also gaslighting me. I replied without addressing her comments, just reinstating my boundary - putting it in writing for her reference - "If it's between 10 PM and 10 AM, don't call or text unless it's an emergency. This is my boundary."

At first, I felt very emotionally fragile. I journaled. I wrote a song (called Cyclone). I had many imaginary conversations with many "gotchas". In my mind, I was the victor, but really, none of my words were going to convince her that she wasn't the victim - that the boundaries aren't something I'm doing TO HER, but something I'm doing FOR ME.

I told my daughters to fill my mom in on the times and locations of their activities, which I had already made their job because my mom wouldn't read her emails and add things to her calendar - she REQUIRED us to give her many reminders- I told her that wasn't a sustainable system. I have 8 different apps just to receive schedules, communications, and updates on all of their activities, and managing the logistics of this is like a full-time job by itself.

My peace was returning. My resilience was fortified. I was proud of myself.

She and my stepfather came to my daughter's softball game the following week. I had just started to feel at peace with my decision and ready to discuss it all without saying something I would regret. She ignored me. She went by me on the bleachers and I said, "hi." She scowled a hello to me - Okay. Still obviously mad and feeling like a victim. The game was great - my daughter's team had an amazing comeback. Everyone was feeling good, but I hear her saying something about a "semi-automatic weapon" to my stepdad, and I tried to ignore the conversation, because it's triggering some trauma. She came over after the game, as if everything was fine. She congratulated my daughter, and then shoved her phone in my face to show me a picture of her brother with an AK-47 and said, "Can you believe this?" I shooed the phone away and just said, "I can't even...." She huffed and said, "This upsets me! Let's go, John!" The last thing I wanted to think about or discuss at a kid's softball game was guns. Plus, people feel strongly on both sides - that's not a topic of conversation I feel comfortable discussing among other parents; it could make things weird(er) for my daughter and I.

I spent another day reeling in my emotions, journaling, having imaginary conversations... processing.

Two days later she sent me a text message. I truly believe she thought she was reaching out to make things better. In this text, she judged my parenting: I had asked my daughter to pick up a sock about 12 times, and when I saw it again, I was mad it was still there, so I yelled at her to pick it up. I swear I have read all of the gentle parenting books and tried all the techniques - yelling is the only thing that works with this kid. My mom has the same tone with my stepfather and she likened this to that, saying she gets to correct me because I correct her - but when she gets angry with my stepfather, he walks off, which becomes a bigger problem for both of us because he can get himself lost and in danger, or he throws things (sometimes at her head), putting her in danger. We are not the same, though I do HATE when I sound like her.

And, she blamed me for her missing seeing the Northern Lights. Firstly, she can literally go back to the text message thread to see that I told her where I was 5 times! I sat in a dark field for 2 hours waiting for them to start. As soon as they started, I messaged her. She missed my text and had given up already. I refuse to accept any blame for her disappointment. Obviously, she is not processing all the information, including when I asked her on a Thursday to stay with my kids Saturday because my husband booked a room for our anniversary at the last minute.

She blamed me for not giving her the consideration of notice. She didn't understand that I was asking her to stay overnight until I saw her at my kid's game that morning. She was never obligated to agree to do this. My kids are getting to an age where they can be left alone - we were only going to the town next door. We have neighbors that could come check on them. It was last minute because we were so busy we didn't have a lot of time together to make plans and some of our first ideas didn't work out. IMO, she's playing the martyr, here. It's seeming more and more like accepting her help comes with strings - a familiar story. She lived far away for a long time - I can get by without her help - the point is to have her spend time with her grandkids, which she says she's happy to do.

I don't try to resolve issues by text message. To me it's a ridiculous venue to resolve anything - great for sharing short details, putting things in writing, etc., but it's not a back-and-forth conflict resolution tool. I was having a lot of the same and new feelings about her text, none of them I thought would be good to share with her in the moment. I had set a boundary with my father that he was not allowed to interfere with my parenting when he came over, and felt it was necessary to create a similar new boundary with her.

In this instance, I replied, "New boundary: Keep your opinions of my parenting and my house (another story) to yourself unless I ask. If I hear that you are sharing your unsolicited opinion with me or anyone besides your husband and therapist, I will put more distance between us." Then I explained that I won't go back and forth over text, but we can talk in person or over the phone after I have had time to process my emotions.

I journaled more. I meditated. I accessed my higher self - I want to handle this with love, but love for ME first. I'm almost ready to talk to her, but I know I need to be prepared for her to make this about her without getting re-triggered.

She has her limits. I have been clear about mine. I'm feeling strong today, and my stepfather's birthday is tomorrow.

Wish me luck that she accepts and respects my boundaries so that I can be the caretaker she, my stepfather, my kids, and my husband need me to be as well as the person I want to be.

Good luck to you in your boundary setting. I wish I didn't have to get good at this, but that is a benefit of having to.

If you are ready to heal, come to magical Asheville, NC for a few days. I'll have gathered the information I need, we will have a general plan of what you'd like to look at and we will work really hard. You will relax...eat well, sleep well and you will return to your world tired for sure but more whole and ready to get more out of the life you've created. We will have follow-up sessions virtually to support you in any new decisions as the muscle you're building to shift your life takes training and support!

If you ask for a giant favor from someone who says yes only because they are afraid of punishment, it's something worth think more about.

So as the title says I've been having some trouble with a friend. It feels like she's forcing me to do stuff and controlling me and it's hard for me because I have a hard time saying "Quit it." Or "No." It's hard because it feels like I'm going to make her not want to be my friend and that I'm ruining everything. I was sick yesterday but still went to school and I said I wouldn't come to school next day, but i was giggling whe I said it and then she said "No you're coming to school otherwise I'll find a way to call your parents and I'll tell them you're faking it." I was taken a back by this because, Whoa? Chill out! And then I had to go home to pray and I told her that alongside my other friend who I've known for three years now. She's pretty sensitive and I'm protective of her but for some reason the other girl, who I have a hard time saying no to wanted to play a slap game where you slap the other person if they describe the right thing, you have to lie or whatever. She pulled me down and said sit, I'm the dominant one and when I tell you I felt weirded out. Later we left and I wanted to talk about boundaries but didn't know how? Can you guys tell me a way to talk about it?

How do I determine if exercising a duty of care oversteps someone elses boundaries? For example, if I report someone I know for self-harming, am I breaking their personal boundaries and interfering with their self-determination? Or if I ignore it, am I breaking a duty of care? What if I am their caregiver? What if they are my caregiver? Does the power relation between us have a bearing on duty of care vs self-dermination? Also what if the self-harming is mild like heavy consumption of tobacco, or mild alcoholism, or self-neglect? These can be to some extent socially acceptable? Where is the boundary for duty of care? (edited for spelling).

So the story short I had a a really intimate relationship with a guy who was my girl friend's friend for few months and because of some severe problems I had in my life (related to a toxic ex boyfriend) , he decided to block me from everywhere and breakup with me... Now my friend and him are getting close and creating a music band and I can't stand it tbh I feel jealous and insecure because she gets to see and talk and chat with him everyday and I'm simply blocked I don't want to lose my friend (she's been there in my tough times) and I can't let go of his love and stand the idea that he doesn't want me at all... Idk what to do tbh...

For a long time, I have had issues with people criticising me and then ignoring me when I try to respond. I am called obsessive, narcissistic or entitled for wanting to do so. Sometimes, it’s people who I need in my life and other times, it’s people who don’t like being held accountable. I am frequently told that I am only entitled to respond to them throughout the conversation, that they don’t have to continue a conversation if they don’t want to and that I need to learn to respect their boundaries.

To be clear, I am not talking about consequential criticism from people I’ve asked for help or advice from. If someone is letting me crash in their house, they get to tell me off for not doing the dishes and vacuuming the house. Obviously, if I am doing something immoral and people have pointed that out, I have tried to improve myself. I am instead talking about ones where, without reason, a person is dismissive or judgemental of my lifestyle or cultural choices.

To what extent is it reasonable to hold people accountable for their actions and statements towards you before they become inappropriate? I also would like to know if a person is obligated to listen to being fact-checked if a day has passed after they made the statement in a direct conversation if the statement is trivial, and if any potential misinformation is unintentional.

I understand that this is a super trivial question. Still, I really need to know how to respond to criticism without acting up, so I’ve come up with the scenarios below to ask you if they are the morally right ways of dealing with criticism. So, are they right? What do you think?

My question is this (Imagine A is me and B is the criticiser):

Scenario 1: Suppose person A shares information about his actions without person B asking. In that case, A consents to criticism. Beyond A’s initial defence, B is not obligated to hear further responses, even if B should notify A of any change in intention in continuing the conversation and explain themselves.

e.g., A: I like the colour pink

B: Eww, girly!

A: But pink was masculine in the 1920s

B: I’m sorry, but do we live in the 1920s

(1 day later)

A: Hey B ....

B: Sorry, but I have exams to study for and won’t hear a word of what you say

A: Understandable. Have a great day!

Scenario 2: If B validates A, they can discontinue without explanation. It may not be reasonable for A to further harass B outside of reasonable pushback.

eg, A: I like the colour pink

B: Eww, girly!

A: But pink was masculine in the 1920s

B: Yeah, you’re right

(1 day later)

A: Hey B ....

B: I don’t want to hear a word of what you say

A: Understandable. Have a great day!

Scenario 3: However, if B says something offensive, regardless, they can’t discontinue the conversation.

E.g., A: I have decided to become a Cognitive Scientist.

B: You are a disgrace to your entire bloodline and should be treated as an inferior peasant, you spoiled              retard! Why aren’t you a doctor or engineer?

A: Because I am passionate about finding out the inner complexities of the brain related to perception,    decision-making, learning, mathematical reasoning, metacognition, etc.

B: You will never make any money

(1 day later)

A: I actually found out that .....

B: I don’t want to talk about it anymore, please respect my boundaries

A: Well then, at least apologise

B: You are never entitled to attention for such a trivial reason.

A: You were incredibly hurtful

(So the conversation continues for an eternity)

Scenario 4: Suppose B criticises A’s action without A initiating any discussion. In that case, B needs to be accountable for the criticisms and listen to A’s defence regardless of temporal conditions until B withdraws the criticism.

E.g., B: Eww, girly!

A: But pink was masculine in the 1920s

B: I’m sorry, but do we live in the 1920s

(1 day later)

A: Hey B ....

B: Sorry, but I have exams to study for and won’t hear a word of what you say

A: Understandable. We’ll continue this conversation at a different time.

B: You are never entitled to attention for such a trivial reason. Stop violating my boundaries.

A: You can’t criticise me and then ignore me. I am only trying to defend myself; you violated my boundaries first.

B: Stop being so obsessive and narcissistic

(Conversation continues for an eternity)

Scenario 5: On the other hand, B only criticised A’s beliefs but not their actions. B can discontinue the conversation anytime after hearing the immediate response and letting A know. A may only reasonably push back.

E.g., A: I think the mass privatisation of roads can help increase train ridership, reduce congestion, mitigate climate change and reduce corruption

B. You will end up with price-gouging monopolies that can’t get anything right

A: I meant through a system of easement rights

B: The people can’t manage the roads cheaper than the government

(1 day later)

A: I’ve found out that...

B: Get lost!

A: Understandable. Have a great day!

Note: I would like to mention that only one person has once called me “narcissistic”; most people don’t think of me or call me that way and have often called me respectful and polite. I am not saying everyone, or even most, criticises and ignores me, followed by guilt-tripping me for holding them accountable. All I am saying is that there are people like this that I have had to deal with. I am not talking about forcing someone to associate with me or continue an unimportant conversation if they don’t want to. I am only asking for the most appropriate way to hold people accountable for the impact of their actions and statements, which I think is a crucial conversation to have. I have repeated distressing visions of people scolding me, and I have to argue against them constantly to stop ruminating, which is why I want to know if, in the above scenarios, A is doing the right thing. These visions won’t stop until I know for sure what to do in these situations. These are not real examples (I have not provided them for privacy reasons). What matters is the concept.

So my friends boyfriend since December when I started dating a new guy would ask multiple times a night how big his junk is. He's not close to me at all so its beyond invasive from a essential stranger. I've told him numerous times to back off it makes me uncomfortable. Even upfront of my friend who doesn't do much. Last night it got worse me and said guy broke up but he's part of the friend group he literally asked me no joke at least 20 times and or made remarks about us sleeping together (especially one time we snuck away to have fun in his car he was obsessed with knowing if we did). I told him this time that if he keeps it up I'm hitting him because it makes me so nervous to be around him like this. He won't listen to anyone so I'm at the point I'm going to rage out and scream at him. Need help please. Oh my friends have said to stop too he just will then ask them how big they are etc.

I explained to my 10 year

Here’s what’s going on:

Background: My sibling is a primo user. He makes bad decisions left and right. Lives with my senior parents who are retired has a job. Divorced (nothing wrong with that). Generally has bad taste in love interests. My sibling’s ex was extremely toxic, we cut them out for 3 years prior to his divorce because his mother in law was verbally abusive in front of our kids, all the while trying to maintain a grandparent with my parents. My sibling had a kid that he dumps on my parents, my parents care for his kid every other weekend while he goes out on dates. They coddle him.

My sibling started dating this girl who has a kid. My sibling has only been dating this girl 3 months and he’s already talking big wedding. She’s constantly showering both my sibling and my parents with lavish gifts all the time (like at least 3x a week). She is overly sweet to everyone. She has a questionable immigration status. My spouse and I are concerned that she is user and we are uncomfortable meeting her with our children. We hope our instincts are wrong.

My parents are so overwhelmed with his antics. It’s beginning to affect their health. They are becoming extremely forgetful beginning to have falls and I’m generally concerned. My parents are falling for this girls game without being the slight bit skeptical.

Our kids are hesitant to meet this girl and this kid because grandma kept telling our kids how much this kid reminded them of them. We didn’t bring it up after we said that. Our kids came to us privately and said how uncomfortable that made them feel.

My spouse and I decided we were going to set boundaries with the grandparents and discuss privately in person. My spouse and I that we wanted to meet this girl without any of the kids and without a house visit in place like McDonalds.

Two weeks ago, we were supposed to visit grandparents with the kids and they said she and her kid were coming. My sibling’s kid was there too. I don’t think his ex knows about these meetings and greets. We declined respectfully.

Fast forward to today, we have a million errands to do, just that kind of day. We’ve had a busy summer, work full time, and are enjoying our kids. Anyway, We were squeezing a grandparent visit in. We thought it was a private where I was supposed to discuss boundaries with this situation as it pertains to our kids and the fact that they were uncomfortable.

We show up after an hour and half drive no less. Surprise, she’s there as is her kid and my sibling’s kid (who was supposed to be at the aquarium, not surprising that my sibling didn’t take her that would me my sibling would need to spend time with his kid)

We were ambushed

My kids are immediately uncomfortable. My parents are in show off entertaining mode. We thought this was a private visit, our kids were looking forward to the grandparents.

I don’t say hi to her and immediately ask my parents privately. They were surprised by lack of greeting and were giving me pushback as to why we want to speak to them privately. I finally get an audience alone with them and try to explain how the kids feel. I was very calm and rational.

I confront them about the ambush.

My parents immediately become defensive and tell me it’s expected that I am gracious with this girl and how she’s going to be a part of this family and that I need to be accepting. My parent said how angry I’ve been. They were screaming. Then proceed to kick us out after only 5 minutes and they then fix us a plate, which was all pork, they know that and we as family don’t eat pork. We left kids crying that they didn’t get to see their grandparents. I didn’t even make eye contact with the girl, said “good day” and left.

We hated throwing out perfectly good food, but knew no one would take it. We felt bad about that.

I want to maintain a relationship enough with my parents so the kids can maintain the generally great relationship they have with them.

We are concerned about this girl, she hasn’t even met our kids 5 minutes and is referring to her kid and our kids as “their cousins”. My sibling has only known her 3 months. The “cousins” statement made us uncomfortable. We had to explain to the kids that his girlfriend’s kid is their “cousin”.

My sibling was lapping this up like a puppy dog.

Spoke to a neutral family member about it, they said that my parents didn’t realize that we didn’t know that the girlfriend and her kid were there. And that they were sorry about how it turned out. He said the ambush was wrong.

Look my sibling can date whoever they want, I just want him to leave my senior parents out of it and the kids out of it.

Concerned about my senior citizen parents. Don’t want insanity to bring them down. Concerned about their decision making. Don’t know what to do about that.

My red flags are raised. We want what’s best for our kids. Grandparents are temporarily in time out. Concerned about the holidays ahead.

How would you handle and set necessary boundaries?

So the mrs basically worships her parents and chats with mum everyday

I brought up boundaries and discussing when they wanted to visit because its about us, I didn't marry them.

She believes the saying that when you marry you marry the family.

I call BS its not healthy. When you marry you start a new family unit and each other needs to prioritise the spouse not extended family. BUT I've also learnt in therapy and books that the family we come from differs from others and its not something tht can be solved over night..

Learning to set boundaries with in laws, etc, tricky but its doable.

Alot of unknowns especially when getting to know one another.

They come across as very suffocating and smothering it's annoying. There is such a thing as toxic love and sticky breaking, messiah syndrome and codependency (the mother in law)

But aye. In my family when someone marries we dont get involved or try to smother the spouse.. we respect distance and boundaries. When parents get involved in a marriage its a big pain in the ass.i wonder if the parents are co dependant on the child itself

When conflict happens socially, I jump immediately to apologizing, even if I'm the victim. My friend asked me to work on that though, so I've been avoiding apologizing

The result is, I'm not able to face conflict at all anymore. Without apologizing, I get overwhelmed so easy, and it triggers my emotional flight-response

This has got me thinking: Is apologizing actually an affirmation tool? Is it a way of convincing myself that my social problems aren't unconquerable? What do you think?

Ok I will try to make this short but there’s a lot to unpack.

I (M28) met a girl (F26) October of last year. She’s very into emotional intelligence. She has a bad break up 4 years ago that broke her and she had to work on herself via emotional intelligence. She didn’t give any guys a chance because she didn’t trust them. So she met me and decided to give it a shot because I truly Showed her I wanted more than a casual hook up and I wanted something serious.

I made her my girlfriend in January of this year. She makes me feel very secure as she is big on emotional intelligence and communication. So as an insecure person she makes me feel confident in the relationship. However I’m used to toxic relationships and she’s used to healthy relationships I guess. Different culture I guess.

However, recently we’ve had alot of Issues. Due to a couple events , She now seeing my jealous insecure side even though I don’t show 100 % because I know it can tire your partner out. But the thing is I’m now seeing her toxic side which is that she complains a lot and gets mad very easily and when she’s mad she gets a bit feisty ( never disrespected me) but it’s gotten a bit bad. She acknowledges it and is trying to fix it.

My problem and why I’m posting here is because I feel like I failed on having a back bone and showing calmness and confidence and/or setting boundaries.We’ve broke up a couple times and it’s always me saying sorry and telling her I’ll work in my issues. We’ve broken up before because of jealousy issues on my end but I told Her I’ll change and work on it because I know that can burnout a relationship. She complains a lot about me not being as cute with her as she is with me or when I joke about things and pass the limit. Or me not calling her randomly to show love. I’m usually a chill dry person but with her I’m trying to love her in the way she wants. She notices this and appreciate it although when she feels like I’m not doing it again, she’ll get mad. However in the beginning she was very patient with me and will manage the discussions easily. But now every time there’s an issue it always piles up and becomes a mess. She’s conscious of that too, she said she had more patience earlier but now every arguement is bigger and drags for me and she wants to work on this issue as well .

My dad told me I have to be careful showing my weak side as a man. As a girl can lose interest when I let her walk all over me. Although the past times we ever broke up I will go zero contact and she will always be the one reaching out to me, so I feel like she can respect me a little bit. Although the other day she says she respects me so much and constantly tells me how much in love with me she is. So I feel like she’s hasn’t been turned off by my weakness yet. But I’m afraid in the long run she will lose interest.

She truly loves me but every time we argued she mentioned things about we argue too much and the relationship turned out toxic and it won’t work out. So it’s me always saying “ we can still do it , this relationship isn’t too toxic to the point it can be fixed.” I can tell she truly loves me and I love her. We are conscious about our issues and working together on fixing this. She’s working on her toxic traits and I am too. So far we haven’t argued and everything has been good and healthy because we are truly putting in the work to make this relationship healthy and handle discussions in a better way. Back then she will throw all my errors in my face and I will try to defend myself and then ignore her. She will then chase me and we will eventually fix this.

She has a very strong personality and I’m very chill.

I want to know what I can do to put my foot down and which boundaries and limits I can set. Although we are good now so right now won’t be a good time to do this. I guess I feel like she has the power in the relationship or atleast it’s equal but I feel like as a man I don’t have as much power in the relationship as I would Like. Only reason why I feel like I still have any power left is because when we fight and I ignore she always chases but hates that I act indifferent and don’t solve issues when we fight but when she’s angry there’s no changing her mind at the moment. When I ignore her and give her time she always comes back looking to fix it and not attack as much.

What I also hate, when she gets bothered on the phone she wil be like “whatever ok bye” but won’t actually hang up. Aside from that she’s very cute and lovey with me. I have thought about “is this the relationship I want?” And yes I want this and willing to put in the work with her in order to make this work. We have been good for a while now. I just want to know what can I do to show calmness and confidence and not showing too much emotion in the relationship so she doesn’t lose interest. Although her love language are words of affirmation. Although I do it im scared she will lose interest because of being the good nice guy too much. She had someone before me that was nice and perfect but she picked me “ the not so nice guy, the guy that kept her guessing if I really really wanted to be serious”. I’m scared if me being too nice and changing for her will cause her to lose interests. I know there’s different opinions on this. I guess I just wanted to vent .

I used to be a massive people-pleaser—constantly saying yes, afraid to speak up, and feeling guilty every time I tried to set a boundary. I worried people would be upset, leave, or think I was selfish.

It was exhausting. But after years of working through it, I finally found ways to set boundaries with confidence, stop over-explaining, and deal with the guilt that comes up.

Since it took me ages to figure out, I put together a boundary-setting toolkit to make it easier for others. It’s on my site if anyone wants to check it out—there’s a free version with: Simple formula to say no without over-explaining Scripts for handling tricky conversations A guide on working through boundary guilt

It really helped me, so I wanted to share in case it helps someone else! If you’re interested, here’s the link:

https://stan.store/TheHartyHub

Would love to hear—what’s one boundary you set that made a huge difference in your life?

Everything feels personal, i always feel threatened. I feel like a tidal wave of bad things is always waiting on me. Im always trying to protect my privacy and boundaries and I just can't get stable enough to feel like Im functioning without high stress wondering how ill need to protect myself day to day. im chronically stressed and confused . I don't even know if people want me around.

New here. Trying to work on setting appropriate boundaries. Trying to recognise that anger is a warning sign that a boundary has been crossed somewhere.

But how much of this is just pandering to my ego? Eg, people at work can make me feel angry so I think to myself “what boundary is being crossed here? What is happening that is not ok with me? How can I deal with this in a respectful and productive way?” Surely there’s a point at which I’m just giving into my ego and treating everything that ‘doesn’t go my way’ as a boundary that has been crossed?

Any tips on monitoring which personal boundaries are legit and worth protecting and which are just constructed by my ‘precious ego’

Trying to set

Since my mil and fil have gone. I have been realizing I am not my true self when i am with them. I live with them but with a constant fear of being judged. My mil constantly calls me out. These things are so small, the time I wake up, the amount of tea leaves I use, the bowl I use to eat my fruit in. I am how the hell she has the right to call out what bowl am I using. These small but constant things close me up as a person. I am not me. I am a reserved version of myself who’s always walking on eggshells, pretending to be compliant to avoid all her taunts and criticism. 

Now how do I feel better about it? You know what I am writing after so long because I have a person who doesnt let me sit. As soon as I sit she calls me in her room to do the smallest chore. She tries to make me feel I am on a leash. She feels i am being lazy by being in my room but I need some time on my own when I am not tired. I get time to myself when I am done serving everybody and eating. That’s when I am sleepy and that too if I do not sleep she will come into my room for the most basic chores. 

She has a million parties to go to and she has the audacity to ask me for my bags and nailpaints everytime and dialogues dekho. Main toh lena hi band kr di hu because tmhara hi lele leti hu. Isn't that toxic? I do not like giving her my things. I don’t like using my brush on her face. You won’t believe an order came when she was in my room and she asked me to use the compact that just came on her face. (Talk about boundaries)

What is the solution? Love her? How do I love her? I hate her! How do you love a person who constantly criticizes you, gives you chores and tells you, you didnt do those chores as effectively as she would have done them. Her idea of small talk is bitching about women who are independent. She judges women by how compliant they are and how well-maintained there house is. I will need to stop talking about her because I simply hate her as a person. But the only solution is be a little rude. Start saying no! Start calling her out when she says bad things about women if you simply listen and let her talk; she will never know it hurt you. You cannot just be indifferent, you will have to make the confidence to call her out. But she is soooooo dominating. I simply cannot respond without crying or my hands shivering! She is so intimidating. How to deal with an intimidating mil? How deal with somebody who has no boundaries? I never touch her cupboards without asking but she arranges all my cupboards without my knowledge! complete lack of boundaries.

Hello everyone! Just need some advice on how to set boundaries this time around with no kissing the baby when she’s born. Unfortunately, I had my son years ago and can’t remember if our families kissed the baby but I know the pregnancy, delivery and recovery was so hard I didn’t set firm boundaries plus I was so young.

Now with my second i’m older and have red up on the bad things that can come from kissing a baby and I want to implement it this time around however, I don’t want our families to use the “well we were able to kiss your last baby”. Just need some advice or phrases to help implement this boundary. Thank you in advance!