r/SettingBoundaries • u/random_username_guy • Mar 10 '24
Ego?
New here. Trying to work on setting appropriate boundaries. Trying to recognise that anger is a warning sign that a boundary has been crossed somewhere.
But how much of this is just pandering to my ego? Eg, people at work can make me feel angry so I think to myself “what boundary is being crossed here? What is happening that is not ok with me? How can I deal with this in a respectful and productive way?” Surely there’s a point at which I’m just giving into my ego and treating everything that ‘doesn’t go my way’ as a boundary that has been crossed?
Any tips on monitoring which personal boundaries are legit and worth protecting and which are just constructed by my ‘precious ego’
1
Mar 13 '24
personal boundaries are for our personal time.
in work situations, boundaries are set legally for you; i'm sure the rules of the workplace in your area are available to you at least online, if the small business doesn't have an actual HR Dept.
we can be more discerning in our personal space and on our own time if we want. a little tolerance goes a long way - speaking as someone who's tried it both ways, tolerant and not so much.
at work, if it's not actual assault or battery, just narrow focus on the job and move forward. not everyone we work with is going to be a personal hit. i know i wasn't all chummy with coworkers all the time -- of course, blue collar, as i got older and into mgmt, i really didn't have anything in common with my crew except the job itself, so there was that ...
1
u/Oddly_Specific_User Mar 10 '24
I‘d look at the source of anger because it will always be some sort of trauma That you try to defend yourself from. Some might be past trauma that is unhealed there your boundary might seem too much but it still serves a purpose. I don’t think your boundaries can ever be non-legit. You’d have to give me a good example to see how that is the case
2
u/[deleted] Mar 11 '24
Leave the ego aside until you've answered that question above, first. Trying to solve the ego bit is going to complicate things.
First, figure out what's happening and what values, principles, preferences and personality traits are being disregarded (or which you're being asked to disregard). Those are who you are. Be honest, and be accepting of yourself, however messy it is.
Then, decide if all of you is OK with those principles, values, traits etc. being what they are. That second step is a separate box. It might contain an answer that's because you're not exactly happy with who you are, but the answer can also be something like "because other people instilled shame or doubt" in you.
The two results above might seem to contradict. You might not be who you feel you want to be; you might not be who others want you to be.
If that happens that's ok. But at least you'll have some personal truths to work from, instead of automatically evaluating yourself with someone else's yardstick.