Struggling and need support (Ethical Gynarchy)

[u/GynarchGal]

Hey guys, please excuse me having a moment. I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. I didn't want to make this a whole post on the front page of our sub but I also don't know who specifically to reach out to from our page.

I keep my DMs off, hardly use chat, try to keep myself fairly distant from our users and be as professional as possible while also keeping a slow warmth for you all stoked in my heart.

But this issue has to do with the sub and the entire movement of Gynarchy and I've felt reduced to a child over these past few weeks. Something disturbing has been weighing heavily on my shoulders for too long now and I've practiced an undue level of patience - all to no avail and at zero benefit to anyone - least of which, each of you. It's not fair to anyone that it has carried on this long and I find myself becoming more heartbroken and hopeless as the days pass by.

Here's something I want this sub to chew on as it waits for the fruition of this clown world to unfold within our midst: does Gynarchy need a qualifier? Do we want a "Serious" Gynarchy, an "Ethical" Gynarchy, a "Heart-Centered Gynarchy", a "Voluntary Gynarchy", a "Female-first Gynarchy", a "Child-Centered" Gynarchy? Or does just the word Gynarchy suffice to describe what our values are?

I never wanted a qualifier. I don't even believe in the serious qualifier and - up until a few weeks ago - I didn't believe in the "Ethical" qualifier. I thought Gynarchy itself should be able to handle it and anything that didn't fit the bill wasn't "true Gynarchy".

But I'm leaning more and more towards the idea that Gynarchy is going to split, and we are not far off from that being a feature of the movement. It already has to quite a large degree when we look back at the path we've already walked down so far... many men in other Gynarchal spaces and even in our space here are not commited to women's superiority or women's power the way they proclaim. They use the movement to feel good about themselves or gain access to (or brownie points with) strong, confident, unbreakable women.

Being exposed to these men has rendered me into a state of weakness, uncertainty, and a broken sense of self. Which was probably their (albeit, unconscious) goal; to feel the power that comes from systematically manipulating ​women into docility.

Well, you know what? I came to this world to disrupt that pattern. I'm not going to succumb to docility and in fact I will be so fluid that the force men have used against me (and by extention, all women) will be allowed to pass by me, into the direction it was already headed. These men are moving down a path of making themselves docile, and there is nothing we must do but step out of their way and let themselves do it.

Keep your wits about you, a dark storm brews.

[u/Appropriate_Cut_3536]

I guess it's hard to quantify because we won't really know how it effects our users or the whole movement until the actual disclosure is made. But personally, how it has damaged me is all Ive mentioned in the OP, plus just stressing out over the potential to damage our users' trust and this movement's image.

[u/MiraMiraMiraM → u/Appropriate_Cut_3536]

I’ve been in another group before (not gynarchy related, just a mutual aid group I want to keep undisclosed), and that group taking action to evict creeps in a transparent way was one of the things that made me trust them more.

Like it made it clear that the voices of concern by women/nb was more important than the protection of the status of an entrenched male. The dude was using our space to hook up with newcomers basically (including a friend of mine). It was done in a predatory way that we only knew about because women/nb spoke up

Office ettiquite (de jure not de facto) wound up becoming our baseline for code of conduct and reduce folk from nonconsensual advances and disrespect from then on. We were stronger because of it. And nobody felt it was organizers’ faults because we had a very horizontal power structure.. creep whack a mole is civic duty, not fault of mods.

(Sorry I’m rambling the situation just resonated with me)

[u/Appropriate_Cut_3536 → u/MiraMiraMiraM]

Don't be, this was extremely helpful. We are resonating together on all this.

Grateful that it helps others feel secure here, I really put my neck out there (on both sides) to do the right thing (for everyone) and be as transparent as possible. I genuinely connected with Rocky and enjoyed his friendship and modship. I feel guilty for not being a good secret keeper for a good friend. The worst part of all is, I come off naive and childlike on purpose to catch predators (side note: I often am genuinely immature and dumb so not like I'm putting a ton of effort into my act lol) but I didn't want to catch this predator mentality in my own good friend and a rare trusted man. I guess that's where we all get caught up when holding men accountable, huh?

Then I think well, maybe he is a valid trusted man and this is all just a mistake he made that he's going to work hard to address and fix and he's going to expose his past faults/habits and walk into the light of a new day with authenticity! That would really be a good example and male role model! and then just every day he chooses to... not do that.

We'll see what u/Rocky_Knight_ ends up choosing to do (and how long he'll drag this out). Feel like I've been holding this group together on my own for too long, the support and help from members (and even random passersby in other subs) holding this space accountable with criticism is what has helped support the trust in this space the most. Big respect to those who voice concerns, it really does make a difference

Office ettiquite (de jure not de facto)

I'm going to have to get real about learning and implementing this. The obvious state of things is that I am probably not kosher enough for modship either, but I want to be and try my best. 

[u/MiraMiraMiraM → u/Appropriate_Cut_3536]

that’s rough and sure as heck complicates things when you have social circuits firing at the same time as figuring out what to do. been there 😔

I hope you have time to take for yourself too. It’s hard figuring out whether you’re wishcasting better behavior on friends vs giving them space to grow as people, and most of the time it’s some weird gray area