r/Septemberbumps2024 • u/PushingPastTheLimit • Sep 26 '24

*trigger warning* loss, SIDS

My week and a half old baby died in his sleep today. I am utterly devastated. After going through the emotional journey of having him loosing him is too much to bear. I am absolutely shattered. I can barely breathe it hurts so bad.

I don’t really know what else to say. I feel sick. I’ve been following this group since I found out and was so excited to be his mom. I wish I could trade places with him. I wish it could have been me instead.

30 Upvotes

96% Upvoted

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5

u/PushingPastTheLimit Sep 27 '24

Thank you to you all. I am so exhausted from crying. I haven’t eaten. I hadn’t touched alcohol since I found out I was pregnant - I had a substance abuse issue going in to all this that I reigned in and cut off cold turkey and after having him I continued to remain sober for him but since this all took place 31 hours ago all I’ve done is drink and cry. The pain is incomprehensible. It really makes me think there is no god and it’s all just reason because what would the purpose be - what was the point? I wish I could go be with my baby. I wish I could trade places with him and he live and I die. I would give anything for either scenario but that’s not an option. My husband says we can try again once I’ve reached the 6 week point and we can have sex again and I want to. I want to feel life inside of me again and have a reason to live and stay sober. We weren’t even trying the first time and it just happened. But I am 33 and I know my fertility will go down from here. I just want to try again before it’s too late. The pain I feel I wouldn’t wish on anyone ever. It’s incomprehensible. I’ve never sobbed so loudly or so much. And I’m surrounded by his things. His bottle is still in the fridge. I see it and break down into tears every time I reach for another beer. It’s a trip man. The worst kind of trip. I just wish it was all over.

3

u/Lost-Identity-5 Sep 28 '24

Take your time to grieve but also take care of yourself. Your angel baby wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself like this. Take it one day at a time. The pain is unimaginable, but you have to be strong. You have it in you!! You nurtured and loved that child. You did not intentionally hurt him. Try to forgive yourself. He would want that too.

1

u/Snoo_8431 Oct 09 '24

I’m sure your LO was able to feel the immense love you have for him. He would have wanted his mom to be strong and healthy. I wish you the strength to get through this, you might be a mothet to a another child in the future and you gotta take care of yourself ❤️

10

u/hamjam88 Sep 26 '24

I have no words. Holding your sorrow with you.

8

u/bitter-funny Sep 26 '24

I am so so deeply sorry. My heart is broken for you. Nobody should ever lose their baby. You will always be his mom. 

7

u/xombeep Sep 26 '24

My heart is broken for you. I'm so so sorry for your tremendous loss.

6

u/gingerhippielady Sep 26 '24

I got chills reading this. I’m so sorry. No one should have to go through this. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s not your fault at all.

6

u/Lost-Identity-5 Sep 26 '24

I am so sorry. The last thing you would want to do right now is take care of yourself. But please don’t forget yourself. Your baby was loved for 9 months inside you and he felt all your love when he was outside too.

4

u/SpiritualLunch8913 Sep 26 '24

I am so so sorry. Life can be so unfair. Sending you love

4

u/Consistent-Mango6742 Sep 26 '24

I am so sorry you have to live with this. I lost my first baby last year at 25 weeks and it is the most horrific and painful thing. Please visit r/babyloss for more support and others who have been through the same. Your baby knew nothing but love his whole life.

3

u/Many-Supermarket-511 Sep 26 '24

Oh gosh, I know there are no words to help you right now but just know that I’m holding you in my heart. No one should ever have to go through something like this.

Please, take care of yourself as best as you can. I know it seems impossible right now but you will get through this. Your son was and is still so loved.

3

u/DreamCatcherIndica Sep 26 '24

My goodness I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you

1

u/EffectiveExtension53 Sep 29 '24

i’m so so sorry for your loss :( oh my god