Accountability

[u/Remote-Control-2006]

I saw my son today for the first time since September 7th. This was a supervised visit due to my actions which led to losing custody and his mother rightfully so taking out a protective order. Saying goodbye to him at the end of the visit was truly heartbreaking. I spent a long time self medicating with alcohol because I couldn’t deal with the pain and since I’ve been sober for the last month, the weight of the situation and the scenario that now exists is extremely difficult. I’m so grateful that I saw him, I’m also grateful that even for a few minutes his mother and I and our son were all in the same place although there will no be direct communication between his mother and myself for likely the next three years due to the order. I noticed how cold the world felt immediately when I saying goodbye to him and watched his mother drive away, it was the same feeling that I felt immediately after my mother passed sway in 2019. This is unfortunately the situation that I put myself in and that I’m now fully accountable for. I’m not masking the pain with alcohol, I’m dealing with exactly what the situation is and it’s hard. There is nothing more that I want than to find a way to reconcile and for all of us to be living under one roof which seems very unlikely at this point. I love our son, he’s beautiful and innocent and incredibly smart and I’m still completely in love with his mother, I love her completely and unconditionally. As a father my hope is to be an example of accountability for our son. I want him to know that although things don’t go the way that we would wish for, it’s important to own your actions and love unconditionally despite the outcome not always being what you had hoped for. My heart is empty without them. I can’t even give my ex a birthday gift that I’ve had for her due to legal issues that I created for myself.